Care for yourself first so you can care for others

Dear Miss U,
I am very depressed and lonely lately. My fiance is having a rough time, as he struggles with depression which gets much worse in winter. He's been trying to find stable employment for years with no luck. He lost his dog of 11 years last month. He doesn't have professional support because he has no insurance. He is isolating and he hardly talks to me. When we do talk, it doesn't feel the same. It feels like he'd rather be doing anything else than dealing with my emotional neediness. I also have depression, so when he isolates I feel very rejected and unloved. I feel like he is putting his depression first, and isn't really bothered about our relationship because he finds that hard to deal with too.

I am due to fly out to him on Christmas Eve, and he has said he thinks I will regret it and wish I hadn't come because he will be so depressed. I offered to fly out sooner to be by his side through this depression and he just threw excuses at me as to why he didn't want me there. This is the second time I have felt rejected by him and it really hurts.

In the summer I had a breakdown over things that were happening in my life. I was grieving and in a lot of pain, so I asked him to come and stay with me to help me through it. He said no. Money is a constant issue for us, on top of our mental health and the distance. I feel like I am fighting for us on my own and that he is hoping I will eventually give up & leave him because that would make his life so much easier. How can I deal with this?

Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

The thing with depression is you have to want to get better and you have to be ready for help. Until he’s reached that point he’s going to wallow in his own misery, and the fact he is hurting you will only distantly register in his mind, behind his own issues. There’s this vicious cycle, it’s hard to secure long term employment if you’re not mentally well enough to work, and it’s hard to get mentally well enough to work if you can’t access the help money would provide. I’m a long term sufferer of depression and anxiety but it’s strictly managed so I’m "high functioning." I can tell you what has worked for me, and that might help you personally because you seem more able to claw your way out of the dark hole than he is. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so these are the things you can do starting now to fill your cup back up:

* The first thing is to clean up your diet. I know when we are sad we just want to eat junk. Quick food we can throw in the deep fryer or microwave. But the foods that are scientifically proven to help with depression are whole plant-based foods. If it’s high in fiber, it’s good for your bowel and good for your brain. An easy place to start is to just throw a handful of fruit on top of your breakfast, leafy greens on top of everything else you eat during the day. Once your palate gets used to that, you can start swapping out low fiber foods for higher ones.

* Exercise an hour every day. Even if you’d rather eat rats. Do it. Go for a walk, dance to some Figure 8 in your lounge room, join a yoga class. Bonus points if you can get him to do it with you as some kind of a challenge. Our bodies are rigged to help us heal. Diet and exercise trigger those hormones.

* Journal. Put your thoughts on paper so you can make sense of them. While you’re at it, make a little box in the top corner for gratitude and write something you are grateful about every day. Sometimes that might be “the avocado was perfectly ripe,” and other times it might be “I didn’t die today.” That’s okay, just make it positive.

* Do ten minutes of your hobby, even if depression says it won’t be fun. Depression could be wrong. Set a timer, and do the thing for ten minutes. If you’re so far gone you don’t know what your hobby is, read a book.

* Go outside and/or take your vitamin D supplement.

* Have a cup of coffee, minimizing dairy if you can. (Dairy, being from a breastfeeding mammal who just gave birth, is packed with hormones that don’t do us any favors when our own systems are going funky.) Coffee has been shown in clinical trials to significantly improve outcomes for people with depression.

* Talk to someone, preferably someone with training. Mental health support platforms are popping up all over the internet. Lifeline, Beyond Blue, Better Help all come to mind for me, but pop “free online counseling” into your search bar and see what comes up. There will be things that are only available in your country. (I’m assuming you’re not in Australia with me, because you said it was winter). These people can help talk you down if things are really bad and they can teach you skills to manage your depression alone. I’ll include a couple of resources at the bottom to help you get started.

Relationship-wise, it’s crushing but if he can’t support you he might not be in a place where he can have a relationship right now. Think about it; you have the same mental health issue, but you are still willing to fly to him, you care enough about the relationship to reach out and get help. You’re still able to put the needs of others before your own. Depression isn’t an excuse for selfishness. We depressed people know that we have depression. We also know we’re not the center of the universe.

I don’t generally advocate for leaving a person because of illnesses or injuries, but there is only so long one person can carry the weight of the entire relationship alone. After that, you have to be your own best friend. If you’re putting his needs first and he’s also putting his needs first, who is putting your needs first? Someone has to! If he won’t, and the relationship is draining you without giving you any support in return, you need to walk away.

I want to believe that when he says you shouldn’t fly there and help him, that’s his depression talking. Maybe a slice of toxic masculinity too. He might desperately want to see you, but he thinks it won’t be manly to say so or he thinks he’s too much of a burden and undeserving of your time, money, and attention. Personally, I’d still go for Christmas. What’s the worst that could happen? You have a bad Christmas. But if you don’t go, you’re only going to be sad that you didn’t spend the day with him anyway.

Perhaps while you’re there together, you’ll get a little bit of clarity on how you want to proceed.

I’m sorry for everything you’re going through, and I hope 2020 treats you better.

Resources:

Dear Miss U, My LDR girlfriend has been very depressed by her studies and her sick mother. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to express that I genuinely care and am there for her and that I’m patient and willing to listen, but nothing seemed to have changed. Back then, we’d talk and video chat for hours every single day. But during the end of the second month, she became very stressed with med school and the fact that her mother is sick. During the start of the 3rd month, she started taking 1-3 days each time to respond, the most recent being 4-5 days which is the longest she’s hasn’t responded to me. She used to be worried that I’ll leave her and now she doesn’t seem to care. [read more: Perfectly Valid Feelings]
Dear Miss U, My girlfriend and I have just begun a 2 year LDR. I moved to the US to do a masters and she is in UK finishing her undergrad. Before we got together she was very depressed, locking herself away for days at a time, not eating, and feeling as though there was no positivity in her life; she nearly dropped out of school. The year we were together she was always happy, positive, and we planned our future together. Now that I am here she seems depressed again. She finally went to the doctors and they prescribed her pills. But that same doctor has previously misdiagnosed friends and family, and she was prescribed pills primarily because the waiting list for counseling is too long – she is unwilling to take the pills. She has recently made the decision to take a year off and focus on herself. I am so pleased she is doing this, but she refuses to go back to the doctors saying that it is pointless and the only thing that will make her happy is when I am back in the UK. How can I make her want to get better and find happiness in things other than me? [read more: Depression in a Long Distance Relationship]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.