Dear Miss U,
Long story short, we started dating in high school, we are now 3/4 of the way through our first years of college. We are four hours apart and have seen each very little of each other over the last 6 months. We are both miserable. I love her and we always talk about getting married but I don’t know if I can do this for 3+ years. Should I end it and get on with my life or stick it out. I know I’ll hate myself if I hurt her but maybe it will be better for both of us. I’m afraid staying with her to not hurt her or because it’s the easy thing to do may be something I regret down the road. I’m miserable but I love her. The hardest part is that I know I’d be happy if she were with me right now. Any advice?
– Ughhh
Stick it out Ughhh!
If the only thing wrong with your relationship is the distance, if that’s your biggest problem, then you’d be a fool to throw such a good thing away! Staying with her doesn’t seem like the easy thing to do in my opinion, committing to years of distance for the relationship you want in the future… That’s an investment. Sounds a lot to me like college, a few years of hard work to earn the future you wish for.
It’s no good being miserable however, and I need to address that. A good rule for life is never to base your happiness on someone else. Be happy within yourself and let that other person be a bonus.
Hold on, and try to find time to do something sweet for each other. Do a few corny things that make a long distance relationship a little less painful and a bit more fun – A hand written letter, your doodles from a boring class, a pressed flower, a card. Throw a few surprises in there, and the joy you will both get will outweigh the tedious waiting.
You never know what could happen, in a year or two one of you might decide to change colleges, study something different, or take a gap year. You might find a way to be together and achieve your goals, but if you give up now you’re throwing away that chance.
You can do this.
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I go to school together right now, but she’s going to college soon. She’s applying currently, and we agreed that we want to stay together even when she leaves for college. She wants to move very far and I am not okay with that. I hate long distance and I want her to stay close. We live in LA so there are many opportunities for her here, but she seems so eager to leave and it’s all very scary. We’ve talked about it many times and she has agreed to maybe look at colleges within driving distance, but still I want her here. She’s my best friend and I can’t imagine not seeing her regularly. How can I get her to stay? Is it fair to make her stay? I’m only 2 years behind her, and while that might seem like a lot we’ve already been together a year, to me it seems worth taking a risk for us. I want her to wait the 2 years in LA with me and then we can move somewhere together. It’s scary enough that she’s starting this new chapter of her life without adding 3000 or more miles in between us. I want to support her more than anything but how can I support her moving away from me? I feel like it wouldn’t be giving us as much of a chance. I don’t want to hold her back, but I don’t want to lose her. I know long distance can work, and we’ve even had a little time living in different places, and it was awful. I’m so conflicted. I desperately need help. Thank you and I really hope you can help me.
– College sucks
Dear College Sucks,
Your letter made me smile. I get so many letters from young people and they almost always say “I’m mature for my age” at some point. Everyone seems to believe that of themselves! And yet, you’re one of the most mature young men I’ve spoken to and you spared me the line.
I agree with you, two years is not such a long time. However, just say she did wait those two years, then she goes to college. When she’s half way through her course, she’s going to know that if she had started right out of high school she’d be finished by now. Having been in a similar situation I can tell you that it is an awful feeling. Then what happens if she finds she isn’t enjoying her study, loses more time by changing majors or is forced to take time off due to illness? No one wants to be behind their peers.
There’s another thing that you may not have considered that almost every woman has to, and that’s the balance of career vs children. If you choose to have a family together, she’s going to have to take time out of her career to do so. Likely, she wants to establish her professional life before starting a family, but starting a family comes on its own time scale. The older she is when she does it, the harder it will be on her body and the more risks will be involved. She probably knows this, and has factored it into the vision she holds of how her life should progress.
Any advice she receives right now is also going to work against you. No one is going to tell her to delay her education for her boyfriend, because the relationship might not work out – and there she would be, having made a big sacrifice of time for nothing. Another reason they are going to tell her to go to college, aside from it being what is in her best interests, is that as teenagers your brains aren’t fully developed yet. The person you are now isn’t necessarily the person you will become, and the same goes for her. This means the gamble is greater than it would be if you were young adults.
I want to make it clear, I’m not opposed to the idea. I don’t believe going straight from high school into college is always the best option, especially if a person isn’t 100% sure what they want to do with their life. Her time would be equally as well spent working hard and saving money, or possibly even getting a little travel time if money isn’t an issue. The main problem I see with your wishes is that it’s all on her. The sacrifice all comes from her. What are you going to put into this relationship to make that fair? What does she get out of waiting aside from the pleasure of your company? Because whilst that’s great, it’s not a good enough reason alone to give up so much for you.
Living far away and having that independence from family would be very good for her as a person. Meeting new people and shedding the preconceptions others have built up about her can only help her grow. Going to college far away is a lot more exciting and daring than doing it in the area you’ve grown up in for the past few years. Perhaps she wants to see more of the world because she’s not interested in settling in the place you both live now. I’m sure that if you can step back from your own feelings and view the situation objectively you will completely understand why she doesn’t want to give up those two years; why she wants to go now and far away.
Have the two of you (and you with your family) discussed the possibility of you finishing high school for the next two years at a different school, close to whichever college she attends? Yes, you’re young, but if you’re ready for the responsibility of living alone, or you have family in other parts of the country that could take you in, it is an option. This way you can both benefit and have that extra life experience. Instead of holding her back, can you not push yourself forward? Or perhaps meet each other half way? She could wait one year, not two. That would lessen the gap at least, but wouldn’t have such a heavy toll on her plans.
A good guide to go by is to never ask something of someone that you wouldn’t give yourself, and to always have something to bargain with yourself, so that you’re not asking for something in return for nothing.
