Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months, he lives about 2 and half hour’s drive away. Although it may seem like a short amount of time, we’ve known each other since I was in year 8 and he was in year 7. I’m doing my HSC at the moment, and he’s in Year 11. We talk to each other every night, and I really do love him, and I truly think he loves me back! The problem is though, there is only a maybe whether he might be coming to Sydney next year, and I have schoolies, university, I’m taking a gap year to work, which will be the year that he moves to Sydney (if he does it) and I really just want to ask is it worth it to stay together? I really want to stay together, I want us to work so badly, and he is the only guy that I truly love with all my heart. I just feel like we are at different points in our lives. What should I do? My friends are telling me to break up with him so I can focus, but some are also telling me to stay with him. I know we are young, and it may sound stupid, but I really think that we do love each other, I think it’s the real thing, and there really is nothing wrong with our relationship except for the fact that we don’t live near each other. How am I supposed to go about this? What do you think?
~ Missy
Dear Missy,
I think you need to listen to your friends less and your own instincts more. Obviously you knew all these things (that you’d have schoolies, that you’re busy studying, that you could consider taking a gap year etc.) three months ago when you got together with him, and you got together anyway; so why second guess that decision now? If I didn’t know better I’d think your mates just want you to be single for schoolies so you don’t have any commitment holding you back. No one wants someone responsible showing them up when they are busy getting plastered and playing musical beds!
I personally don’t feel like you’re at different points in your life, what’s one year? Moreover, what’s a couple of hours? You can definitely make this work. But you already know that because you’ve been making your friendship work for years and a LDR isn’t so much different. You miss each other more, have more phone/skype sex, and you stop dating locally, but other than that nothing changes; so you already know you’ve got this in the bag!
My opinion is that in adult relationships people work or study, sometimes both at once, they have family commitments, they have dreams of travel, they have goals, they have friendships to maintain and they manage all of that and more whist being in a committed ongoing relationship, the distance factor of which is irrelevant. What I’m saying here is, you can still have your life and be together. What does it matter if you’re working whilst he is living in Sydney? That won’t stop you doing the things you want to do together. It won’t stop your relationship progressing.
If you’re both serious about this relationship, then all you need to do is keep each other in mind when you’re making your decisions. For example, unless there’s a really good reason to do so, don’t commit to Uni somewhere further away. Don’t lock yourselves down for four or more years without considering moving closer first. The end of high school is possibly the best time in your life to be in a long distance relationship because you have the freedom to do something about it.
Work together, and listen to your mates only if their arguments against your relationship are valid, because mature individuals can manage to study and have a relationship at the same time.
Find a balance.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend is in the Army and he is currently deployed in Afghanistan. He has only been gone for 3 weeks and I love him and miss him so incredibly much. My parents and my friends don’t seem to like him very much and do not support my relationship with him. Is this going to ruin our relationship?
~ Lauren
Dear Lauren,
It really depends why they don’t like him and if in time their opinions will change. Sometimes, as much as we hate to admit it, our parents and friends can see something we are too blinded by love to see. Talk to them, consider their council with an open mind, and judge for yourself.
Military relationships are difficult, and to go through one without your usual support network will be hard. I don’t imagine all your relationships would come through it unscathed, because hurt and resentment may build up over time. Your parents and friends don’t want to see you suffering, and chances are that’s why they aren’t keen on your relationship with him. They may not think the hurt you will go through is worth it, because they want you to be with someone who is always there for you – including physically – all you can do is show them why this relationship is best for you.
Dear Miss U,
I have been in a LDR for a few months. I live in Ireland and he lives in England the question I have is what do you do the nights when we can’t talk/chat because either of us could be busy cause it hard to deal with a little?? Hope you understand my question!
~ Kiwi D
Dear Kiwi,
I find that people in long distance relationships don’t get the same amount of sleep that the rest of the population enjoys – we’re on the phone too much, often late into the evening! So catching up on all that missed sleep could very well be an option. If that’s not exciting enough for you, try calling friends or family members you may have been neglecting, get some extra study in, work out, bake or create something special as a gift for your partner. Think of those nights as an opportunity, take the time to do the things you love but may have sacrificed for time with your significant other. Take a bubble bath, read a good book, have a glass of wine. Relax! Pretend they usually live with you, but they are out for the evening and starfish on the bed taking as much space as you can. If you know in advance that the other won’t be around you can plan something to fill that block of time, so keep each other up-to-date with your plans.
