Dear Miss U,
In August I will be attending a professional school that will require me to move about 10 hours away from my boyfriend. We have not yet decided whether we will stay together and attempt a long distance relationship, or whether we will break up when I leave.
I want to stay with him, but I’m terrified that he will cheat on me when I’m gone. I know that he cheated on his last long distance girlfriend with an ex-girlfriend he was visiting. I also seriously suspect that he has slept with another one of his ex-girlfriends during the time that we’ve been together – I hesitate to call this cheating because we had not yet started referring to ourselves as being “in a relationship” at that point, although we had been dating exclusively for several months. Whenever cheating comes up in conversation, my boyfriend is quick to defend the cheater and he acts as if infidelity is not such a big deal.
I have been cheated on in the past and I have been hurt badly by it. I find it very difficult to trust in relationships, and I get jealous easily. I do my best to control my negative emotions, but I am constantly afraid of being cheated on again.
Is it foolish for me to consider an LDR with someone who has been unfaithful to a long distance girlfriend in the past? Should I be worried that my boyfriend will cheat the second I leave? How can I ensure that it is safe to trust him? Please help!
– Tough to Trust
Dear Tough,
Usually I would be typing “cheating in the past does not mean a person will cheat again in the future” but in your situation with this young man, I’m almost certain he will cheat on you, if he isn’t already. Not just because he has done it before, nor simply because of his relaxed approach to cheaters but due to the combined effect of this and your feeling that he was unfaithful early in the relationship. I feel there is a reason that you are finding it hard to trust this man and that your intuition is a powerful tool you should trust in to protect yourself.
There’s never a way to know for certain that a lover is being faithful, and being long distance usually does not equal a higher incidence of cheating, however if he’s not remorseful over his past actions he very well might decide that cheating on you will also be justifiable. Honestly I wouldn’t be able to trust him enough to stay in a near-proximity relationship with him, never mind trying it at a distance, so yes I do think it would be foolish of you to attempt a monogamous long distance relationship with your boyfriend.
Dear Miss U,
In July of 2012 I started dating my now girlfriend of 10 months. July was one of the best months of that year for me but it had a bitter sweet end. In early august she had to return to schooling in Missouri until December. I convinced myself I was ready and willing to go long distance for her. 10 months later we’re still going. We had a 3 week period where we could see each other in December. It was a good break but it instilled a deep pit in me. I know how special she is and the in the months after she left I just missed her more. I’ve been finding it extremely hard to keep her off my mind. I love her, a lot. I want her to be here physically with me. I work a 9-5 daily and take 2 online courses for college. I feel as though I go day to day alone. She was in a long distance relationship before for 3 years and I guess she can easily cope with the constant yearning for the other person, but the longest distance I’ve ever been away from a SO was 15 minutes. We Skype and text daily, but she’s becoming increasingly more frigid as the months pass. Saying I love you less and less. I usually have to initiate the I love yous, and I feel like hers are just half winded and only given as reflex response to when I say it. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being selfish for not supporting her in school but I just miss her so much. Please I want this to work but I’m scared that soon I’m going to have to say enough is enough and move on.
Sincerely, Andrew
Dear Andrew,
Firstly I think it’s important for the two of you to have a nice long conversation about where you’re at in the relationship and how you’re both feeling. Find out if there’s a reason why she’s backing off with the declarations of love (though don’t go as far as to accuse her of not having her heart in it when she does say it) and instead of assuming that she’s handling the distance better than you are, ask her how she’s feeling. Because it’s possible she’s suffering but is trying to remain strong for you, or she might not be feeling as connected but it’s still early enough to stoke the fire up again.
Being alone doesn’t mean you need to be lonely, and it can take some time to develop that sense of being loved and connected to someone when they aren’t right there with you, but I assure you it’s possible. A physical reminder of your love for each other, like promise rings or some other small token to carry with you, might help to keep you focused. When you think of her or are feeling particularly lonely, take a moment to push your love for her out in her direction. Love is just energy, and energy goes where we want it to. Some people even visualize bouncing their love energy or messages off the moon and into the heart of their companion. Reach out rather than withdrawing.
Distance is not forever, but love can be. Don’t let your unhappiness with this situation turn into an unhappiness with each other, focus your mind and rely on that strength to see you through till the end of this. Also remember that being at a distance doesn’t have to stop your relationship being fun and doesn’t need to stop your relationship progressing forward. The more you put into anything the more you will get out, and your relationship is no different.
Part of a good healthy relationship is the ability of both partners to grow and feel nurtured within that safety net, so don’t underestimate the importance of supporting her educational efforts. She’s working hard toward a future for both of you and it’ll do neither of you any good if she feels you don’t appreciate that, just the same as you probably appreciate being acknowledged for your own hard work.
If you cannot handle the distance, move to her, even temporarily. Don’t pressure her to give up her education and come to you just because you’re not coping. Take the initiative to make your own life better. If she’s so special, is letting the relationship go to no longer have to deal with the distance really the best answer? If you’re going to sacrifice something to increase your personal happiness, make sure you choose the right thing to sacrifice to achieve that goal.
