Would he tell you if he cheated?

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I met in December 2018 and have been seeing each other since. In August, I moved to the UK for a year for work and after a long conversation, we decided to do distance. It was really hard before I left and the first month was brutal. After a while, we got into our own routines and it actually felt fairly easy. We have seen each other twice since August and every time it has been perfect. We have been our normal selves and we have been just as in love as we were before I left for the UK.

Last week, he came here to visit and we took a trip to Amsterdam. The whole time he felt so distant from me and I felt like the romance was lacking. The sex part was fine and we got along like friends but we wouldn’t snuggle or hold hands or kiss and it made me upset. Normally, he is so complimentary and not afraid to be emotional and share how much he loves me but he was not like this at all so I started panicking. I saw him a month previously and he was not like this, so his change in behavior was concerning.

We’ve since chatted and both of us have felt weird about the week. He says he knows he’s being weird but he doesn’t know why. I think it might just be a normal lull in the relationship that has been exacerbated by distance. I’m freaking out and don’t know what to do. What should you do when there is a lull in a relationship but there is distance?

Mads

Dear Mads,

The first thing I would do is look at his life, outside of the distance. Things like stress, hormone imbalance, illness, or family drama can make it hard to connect to the one we love, as can simply being out of practice. Very likely this isn’t about the relationship at all.

If it is just a lull, that’s cool too. Emotions are water, they come and go. If the tide is out, worrying isn’t going to make it rush back in. The best you can do is hold space for him, within which he can sort through his feelings and get back on track. Give him the safety to be vulnerable, showing him that he can come to you about his feelings without you losing control of yours. You are already being honest with each other, and he realizes there’s a problem. From your end, there isn’t much more to do than weather the storm, unless he provides you with some direction of what help might benefit him.

At this point, I’d advise not making a big deal out of it and seeing if it blows over. Sometimes there is an awkward stage when the relationship shifts out of the honeymoon phase, too, which might be contributing to his weirdness.

Give it time. I hope your connection flares up again soon.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. I live in Canada and he is in Austria. We have a very honest and open relationship and would tell each other anything. We have full trust in each other and have agreed that if either of us were to lose feelings or cheat, that we would tell each other because we have enough love and respect for each other to do so. I genuinely know that I would tell him without hesitation if I ever lost feelings or cheated and I believe that he would as well. But I guess my question is, how do I get over that slight insecurity of the possibility that he would hide it from me? And is it abnormal that I feel this way sometimes when I trust him so deeply?

Thanks for the consideration,

Sydney

Dear Sydney,
You either trust him, or you don’t. If you really genuinely trust him then this isn’t an issue for you. But honestly, you haven’t been together that long, perhaps you just need to give it a few more years in which to cement the trust between you. Over time you will gain confidence not just in him and the relationship, but in yourself too. You will know that you are number one, that he isn’t going to do better. You will see that he always returns to you. And then you won’t worry anymore, except for maybe an odd stray thought that pops up through cultural conditioning.

There’s a thing too. We’re all taught that cheating is the worst of the worst. The end of the world. I get more emails about cheating or the fear of it than anything else! It’s definitely not abnormal to worry about. But really, your fear is that there will be a problem in the relationship and he won’t come to you about it. At least, that’s what I’m sensing.

You’re not worried he will cheat. You’re worried he won’t tell you. That says to me you just want to opportunity to fight for him, to help him deal with temptation, or even the opportunity to find a compromise. That’s pretty level-headed. You ought to be proud of that.

Pay attention to when your worry pops up too. Someone once told me that your first thought is your social conditioning. The knee-jerk reaction drilled into you in your formative years. That’s your school and your parents and your friends talking. The second thought is your true thought. That’s you. Not the voice that says “he’ll do something terrible and hide it from me,” but the logical voice that comes after and says “I have no reason to suspect he wouldn’t uphold his word.” Like love, trust is often a choice. We choose to invest our trust in people. It’s an act of faith. You can never know someone’s mind 100%, not even after twenty years of marriage. And like love, we must continue to chose trust every day.

Give it time. You’re doing better than you know.

Dear Miss U, I have been in a LDR for 1 year and 3 months and I think I am anxious. I mean, I often think, “What if he would cheat on me?” I am very scared. What should I do to get rid of this anxiety? I think he’s a good guy, but I don’t know him 100% and you know… you can never be sure of someone. What should I do to stop worrying? I tried to stop thinking about it, but it doesn’t work… [read more: How to Not Fear Cheating]
Dear Miss U, …On my last visit, I felt a change in his interest toward intimacy and am concerned he has met someone else. I wasn’t snooping, but found an email from a French girl in my boyfriend’s inbox – he hadn’t signed out – I borrowed his laptop. The tone was friendly, however, he was suggesting airlines that fly to his closest city for her. Their sign off said ‘send you little kisses.’ I fear she visited before my last visit as, he went to stay with, as he called, “friends of friends,” who he had never met before (from France) visiting the USA in his closest city for 5 nights. This is not something that had happened before. In this time, he wasn’t online every day as usual. Maybe I’m over-reacting but I just have a bad gut feeling… [read more: Is This Goodbye?]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.