Dear Miss U,
I am currently in a LDR due to my job. Originally I was living with my SO before having to move for the post, which was a 1yr contract – the plan was to go back once it ended. Now however it’s looking a strong possibility of becoming permanent.
Me and my SO have been doing this LDR lark for over a year now (I had to move somewhere else previous for a small while for my career again) and since it began I have been doing all the traveling for visits. That was even before I’d learned to drive and got a car, I used trains etc. The only one time he met me half way was for Xmas at my Nan’s.
I feel I have been more than reasonable, as he works weekends, so it is harder, but there are periods when he hardly has any work, his current reasoning is that his car is making noises. Every time I try and bring the subject of my job becoming permanent he turns and says…”when you come back….” it hasn’t registered that I might not.
I am starting to feel like saying to him if you don’t attempt one visit at all; you can forget the holiday we are planning (a cottage break in wales) as everything seems to be at his convenience. Or say something a lot worse. Please help.
Nomnom Elf
Dear Elf,
Your SO seems to have the misguided idea that as the distance in your relationship is “your fault” you should be the person to travel; but it just doesn’t work like that. I think it’s admirable it’s taken you this long to lose your cool over the subject. It seems like he isn’t going to take a hint though so next time you know you’ll have a decent amount of time to converse with each other, start with “I’d like to discuss my job going permanent and the issues surrounding that.” You’ll need to find a different plan for closing the distance if you’re not planning to move back to where he is, and at the same time you can make it clear you’re not going to be doing all the visits anymore.
If he makes excuses, call him out on them, you’ve been together long enough to not dance around issues. For example:
Him “My car is making funny noises”
You “Perhaps you could use the train?”
Him “The train smells funny”
You “I respect that, but I feel like you’re just avoiding seeing me. Is there an underlying reason you don’t want to make the effort to come?”
It’s alright to expect fairness.
Dear Miss U,
Hello There! My boyfriend Eyad is in Saudi Arabia right now with his family and he is not coming back to the U.S. until July. But the distance will continue because he has to go to college in Indiana and I’m here in California. It’s hard to imagine that we would have to continue missing each other until either him or I save up and decide to move out. I’m open to the fact that he will get busy and his life over there could completely change our relationship, but I just need some pointers on how to make our love thrive. How often should we visit each other?? Is Skype sex too desperate?? How can I clear my mind of any doubts of him cheating while he’s so far from me??
Almarée
Dear Almarée,
The answers to some of your questions are very subjective to your relationship. There is no standard amount for visits, some relationships thrive on one or two a year while others manage to see each other once a month. It will depend on your resources and schedules. Generally people who have shorter weekend visits make the trip more often than people who can stay a couple of weeks. Remember though, each visit will take away savings for a future together and may actually delay your ability to close the distance once college is over, so don’t spend every penny on visiting in the short term.
Skype sex is not just pathetic and desperate, in fact it’s a lot like conventional sex. Sometimes it’s desperate – like when you’ve gone without sex for a long time, get drunk and find yourself in some stranger’s bed/ webcam and you wake up feeling dirty in the morning – but a lot of the time it’s just a way to connect and have fun with your partner. I would venture to say that the majority of couples in long distance relationships are engaging in some form of sexual contact at a distance, be that Skype sex, cam or phone sex, role playing, cybersex (typed sex) or exchanging risqué pictures and videos as masturbation aides. The sexual side of your relationship is still important, and we all do what is right for our individual relationships to keep that going.
I can’t clear your doubts about cheating. But I can tell you that research shows people in long distance relationships do not suffer an increased rate of infidelity when compared to the rest of the population. If he’s going to cheat on you, he’ll do it no matter how close to him you live – even if you’re in the same house. Things that may help avoid cheating would include a satisfying distance sex life and strong communication.
The rest comes down to trust.
Dear Miss U,
My significant other and I have been friends 3 years prior to our relationship. We moves in together for a little bit, but then I had to move back home. From the west to the Midwest. Now we live over 2000 miles away. We have been maintaining a LDR for the last year. It has been very hard. But my love and dedication has kept it going.
First of all, he was doing his own the business, and couldn’t move. But he was having a hard time adjusting to living alone. So he stops the business and decides to move back home in Cali. I thought that it would have been different, that he would have moved to been with me. But he told me that he never wants to live in WI. I have 2 kids here so living far from them is not possible. This is the reason I came back. He knows I need to be here for my kids and says he will wait however long. My daughter is young, and that will be at least 10 years before I think about moving.
Anyways, he moved back in with his mom. He told me about a conversation that he had with his mother stating she made him promise he would never move. I feel that his mother is enabling to have this dependent behavior and it infuriates me.
Anyways, so I was upset about him moving there instead of here. I’m an independent woman, and take care of myself. I just feel that this relationship is unfair. I love him and can’t break it off. He’s great when we are together, and loves me very much, and yet I never have the heart to break it off. Confused and confused. Advice?
Excepted Everything
Dear EE,
It saddens me, but I somehow doubt you’re ever going to have a fulfilling, conventional, near-proximity relationship with this guy. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to move past the issue of him being lonely and so choosing to live with his mom. Frankly, he strikes me as being both immature and selfish, but I guess we all need flaws to balance the good qualities.
If you can’t move and he won’t move, that leaves you in a long distance relationship for a very long period of time. Some people do manage that, particularly people whose emotional needs don’t rely on being together, and people who can afford frequent visits. If you are both happy in your everyday lives despite the other not being physically there and you don’t want to have any more children, then maybe you could make this work for ten plus years. But if a long distance relationship isn’t what you want then you may need to stand up to this mommy’s boy and tell him that if he will not move to you, you’re going to have to let him go so you can find a partner who can meet your needs.
Work out what you need and what you can live without, and take the logical option from there.
