My boyfriend and I met when he was stationed here. We were together for two years before the military moved him to a new base. Unfortunately, I was unable to go with him. When he was here we had a very strong relationship because I was there for him when he went through days where he was depressed. Because I was able to be there for him, our relationship grew stronger.
Once they moved him I haven't been able to be there for him like I'd like to be and he needs. It's hard for him to trust and make friends that he can open up to. I try to go to see him for at least a week when I get the chance. In that time, things are well and he feels happy again. But the minute I have to fly home, his depression kicks back in. I'm doing everything I've heard to do and more but it takes a lot to make him feel even the tiniest bit better.
He has his good days but his bad days are really bad. How else can I help him with how he feels on his bad days other than texting, calling, Skyping, and sending dorky pictures to make him laugh? He constantly feels alone he has no one for support where he is and I'm the only one who calms him down and makes him feel safe and secure when he's depressed. We both knew this was going to be hard and we have made plans for when I'm done with school and he's done there and everything will be ok if not better. What would you suggest to do with in the next two years we are separated?
Brooke
Dear Brooke,
Before I go into this I want you to know I’m speaking from a place of compassion and as a long-term sufferer of depression. Sometimes tone is hard to control over text, and I’m not one to sugar-coat anyway. But here’s the thing: You’re not a doctor.
For whatever reason, we women (and some men and enbies too) get sucked into relationships where we think we can love our partner enough to fix them. We’re going to be the salve for their wounds. We are going to hug them so hard it will meld their broken pieces back together. Unfortunately, that shit only works in the movies. Let me make this loud and clear: As much as you want to, it’s not your job to manage his emotions. You are not a magic pill. You are not a block of chocolate. And you shouldn’t be the one-and-only bandaid for his emotions. This is above your paygrade.
Moreover, the strength of your relationship shouldn’t be determined by how much time and effort you pour into keeping him afloat. It can be super hard to uphold your end of the relationship when you’re suffering from a mental illness, so I’m not making light here or saying it should be easy, but strength in a relationship comes from all the people in that relationship working together to make the experience enjoyable, nurturing, and fulfilling. Here it sounds like a one-way stream from you to him. What are you getting out of this? (Don’t say love. We can get love from dogs. Go deeper. How is he contributing to this relationship and to your long-term health and goals?)
Woo! I’m the Queen of Unsolicited Advice today. Thanks for bearing with me. To answer your question, the best thing you can do is hook him up with the tools he needs to manage his mental illness and wrestle back some control over his emotions. I have talked a lot about this in letters over the years and I usually refer to it as building a tool kit.
Help him build his tool kit. Empower him to feel his emotions, process them, and let them go. This might look like encouraging him to see a psychologist, or even just his GP. Depression is an illness. You wouldn’t try to love the heart disease away, and this is no different. No amount of goofy photos can cure this illness. If he is sad all the time without you, that’s something his doctors need to know.
Other things you can do include teaching him to meditate. You can do it with him or lead him through guided meditations. I imagine he has little to no control over his diet, but if he does, he should prioritize whole, plant-based foods. I imagine he gets plenty of exercise in the military too, which is good for mood and hormones. You can research self-help material and find something that would fit his personality.
You can remind him you’re always a phone-call a way; always holding him in your heart, sending your energy, loving him unconditionally. You can surprise him with care packages, love letters, or next time you visit hide little tokens of affection throughout his stuff. You can record him bedtime stories to listen to as he falls asleep, if he’s in a position where that’s viable. You can drag him into online support groups for LDRs, online fandoms for interests you share and other groups where he can practice building friendships and being vulnerable in a low-risk setting. You can encourage him to hang out with workmates and help him develop some of those contacts into real friendships. There are so many ways to love someone and keep a relationship fun and you can do all of those things!
But at the end of the day, you’re not a doctor. To overcome depression, he’s going to need a healthcare professional, perhaps a team of them. I’m not saying he’ll need medication, though there’s certainly no shame in it, but a good doctor can find him the right therapy. We all love the idea of being essential, but you’ll do him and you both a disservice if you support him continuing like this.
All the best. xx
My partner of 3 years announced he would be moving to Croatia from the UK for work (I knew he applied but didn’t think it would happen). We currently live in his house and he will be renting that out (not to myself as it is too big and expensive for myself and daughter -age 13- to live in and run). I will be honest I was angry with him, called him selfish – said he had no consideration for anyone other than himself, I have calmed down now and trying to see things more positive. He knew I wouldn’t be able to come with him as I have my daughter to consider and her education.
He is not an emotional person – he is very blunt about what he thinks and what is happening. This is a permanent role with no end in sight or at least not until my daughter leaves full-time education (18). He says we can adapt, he can come home (to wherever I move to) potentially once a month maybe twice and I can visit him when I can. I am struggling to see how he can seem so confident about it all.
It’s OK for him, he is going off, new job, new people whereas I feel I am the one stuck at home picking up the pieces of what will be viewed by many as a failed relationship - I am getting that comment already which hurts. How can I look at things and think it will be OK? How can I make it OK? What do I need to do to be that supportive partner he wants without neglecting my feelings?
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
What the what? Who the eff does that? You’re together three years, you’re living in the same house and he’s like “by the way babe, I’m moving to another country so get yourself somewhere to live.”? Gees, you have every right to be infuriated. I’m infuriated and I don’t even know the bloke. What a dick!
Personally I feel like this is an instance of the trash taking itself out, if he truly believes the way he is acting is in any way okay. I can’t fathom a relationship between grown adults surviving that kind of cruel disrespect. But if you want to be a bigger person than me, I recommend a counselor or some other talk-therapist being your first point of call. There are free services online if you don’t have the funds/ are living in a place without free health cover (they are generally location-based, so none of my local Australian ones would be good to you, but run a couple of searches and you’re sure to find something.) Talk therapy will help you process and release your feelings of betrayal, will help you access if this new future is right for you and your personal goals, and will help you devise a way forward.
If you don’t want to neglect your feelings you need to know exactly what you feel and (I believe) you need to be getting something out of his move if you’re expected to support it. There should be some kind of pay-off for your sacrifice. What is he doing to make this easier on you? What should he be doing? Is there a way he can mitigate the damage to your reputation he’s done?
You’re not obligated to put up with this treatment, however. I’d be taking a good long look at this relationship and making sure it’s still worth it to continue. He better be pretty amazing for you to take this insult on the chin and then muddle through five-odd-years of LDR for him.
Related Posts
- Dear Miss U, My girlfriend and I have just begun a 2 year LDR. I moved to the US to do a masters and she is in UK finishing her undergrad. Before we got together she was very depressed, locking herself away for days at a time, not eating, and feeling as though there was no positivity in her life; she nearly dropped out of school. The year we were together she was always happy, positive, and we planned our future together. Now that I am here she seems depressed again. She finally went to the doctors and they prescribed her pills. But that same doctor has previously misdiagnosed friends and family, and she was prescribed pills primarily because the waiting list for counseling is too long – she is unwilling to take the pills. She has recently made the decision to take a year off and focus on herself. I am so pleased she is doing this, but she refuses to go back to the doctors saying that it is pointless and the only thing that will make her happy is when I am back in the UK. How can I make her want to get better and find happiness in things other than me? [read more: Depression in a Long Distance Relationship]
- Dear Miss U, My partner and I have been together for 2 years. We were both at university together, we’ve graduated and traveled together, lived together, and he’s my absolute best friend. We had an amazing relationship where we shared everything and communicated so well, we adored each other. He qualified to work on cruise ships as a commercial officer last year and I’m finding the distance a lot harder than expected. It’s taking me a lot longer to acclimatize than I thought it would, and I feel guilty for this because I’m pushing him away so I can process and deal with how I’m feeling… [read more: When He Chooses Distance]
About the Author
Search for Miss You Issue Topics:
Ask Miss U a Question
Ask for long distance relationship advice anonymously. Submit your question here.
Long Distance Relationship Forum
Browse our LDR community for support and advice from other people that are in long distance relationships.
