Touch Him With Your Brain

Dear Cabin Fever,

This is going to be tricky for me to answer, because on a fundamental level I think you and I see people and relationships differently, but I’ll share my mindset with you, because it’s part of why I thrive in long distance relationships.

Personally, my internal world is just as vibrant as the external. I read a lot and took part in many role-playing games as a teen, which helps. It takes imagination to do well in an LDR. In addition to this, I see relationships as invisible connections, bands of energy, if you will. Whenever I’m mentally and emotionally present at the same time as my partner, we’re "together." There is no distance between our intentions, between our thoughts and emotions. We are focused on each other and so we’re together. If we agree, we can be together in a park, or at dinner, or in one of our homes. As soon as that video call in connected, there we are.

When you’re with your boyfriend or mates, what are you doing? Talking? Studying together? Watching a show? Cleaning house? Playing games? Dancing? You can do all these things at a distance. Yep, even sex. You can’t have intercourse, but if that’s the only sex you’re having you’re terribly boring 😉 Are things better and easier in person? Yeah, of course. But to get into your LDR groove, you need to assess why you’re so fixated on in-person close-contact. Why it matters, and how you can replicate it.

My sister seems similar to you. She has ADHD and when we’re not together, I cease to exist for her. On a normal week, we will message constantly and see each other for a couple of hours most days. Though 70% or more of our conversations happen over messenger, if she doesn’t see me in person, she won’t message. There’s no reason we couldn’t continue to chat, but without that promise of in-person time (during which she’s on her phone anyway) there’s little contact. Neither of us understand why it works this way, but I think you can take something from this. Have you looked at how much time you would usually spend with your SO vs how much contact would usually be via media? How much of the time you spend together is spent being physical? How much time do you spend physically together but mentally apart?

I feel like LDRs (and COVID-19 in general) are great opportunities for personal and interpersonal growth. They force us to communicate in a world of assumptions. They encourage imagination and effort in a world where we’re used to instant gratification. Use this time to grow. To understand yourself and your priorities better.

A great exercise for building emotional/mental connection is mutual meditation and playing psychic games (Zener cards, for example.) Meditate together. Imagine yourselves in a forest, or cave, haunted house, or beach. Explore together. See if you can “see” and “feel” the same things. You’ll be surprised how “in tune” and “together” you really are.

What does it mean to miss someone in an LDR? Well, like you’ve experienced, you do get used to it and yet it doesn’t stop sucking. You move into a mental state where you accept how things are and you get on with life. Like all emotions, the degree of “missing” ebbs and flows. Sometimes it swells so high it crushes us, sometimes the tide goes out and we wonder if we ever loved our SOs at all. That’s normal.

Others might disagree with me, but when I miss my SO during LDR it’s because we haven’t connected. Because I feel alone and untethered in the world. If we have a long conversation or I create something nice for him or he sends me an letter in the post/a bunch of flowers/ otherwise goes out of his way to nurture our relationship, then I’ll fuel up and the “missing” will be replaced with connection and gratitude. Sometimes I’ll miss my partner and he’s living with me! You can live with someone, sleep next to them every night, but not be connecting on any meaningful level.

I hate to sound like a hippie, but I go through life super grateful I found such a fantastic human to spend my life with. When I feel respected and appreciated, it doesn’t much matter where he lives, because he’s still playing a role in my life. Attitude is everything. When you're grateful, you find a million more things to be happy about.

I don’t think you’re falling out of love. Past a certain point, love is a choice. If you continue to choose him, to pour energy into your relationship whether you’re near-proximity or apart, your love will thrive.

Dear Nana,

He has given you zero reason to think he’s not interested. Why would you assume he is tired of long distance? Is it because you are tired of long distance? There’s no logic here. Don’t feed your insecurities by indulging in these thoughts. Life gets busy. He’s got no reason to stay in a LDR if he’s not happy, so don’t jump to conclusions.

You talk of marriage. Marriage is much harder than an LDR. Sometimes marriages ARE long-distance, and that’s even worse. Your marriage won’t survive if you “go looking for trouble” or leap to conclusions about his feelings rather than just asking. Talk to each other, not to your negative internal monologue (easier said than done, I know.)

Good luck