Ace of Hearts

Dear VonMaxim,

New stuff can be very scary, but the good news is you’re in this together, on the same team. You’re not facing these challenges alone and the reward is a fulfilling relationship with an amazing person. That’s worth all the headaches.

Time differences are my jam. Firstly, there is no time difference longer than 12 hours. Once you get to 12, the clock goes back the other way and the actual difference you have to navigate gets smaller, even if the day changes. Google tells me that there’s five hours between Scotland and Ontario (but of course Canada is a massive country, so there might be a couple extra hour on that.) Still, 5 to 8 hours isn’t terrible. It’s about the same as Canada and Australia. So when one of you is having breakfast, the other might be getting ready for dinner. One of you will likely be asleep while the other has already started their day. You can manage this if you’re both flexible about it. When I was in high school, I’d get up at 5am so I could talk to Mr. E on his lunch break. Then he’d stay up late to talk to me when I got off work. Sometimes life might get too busy, and you’ll have to leave recorded messages or emails, that’s fine. Connection is connection, you don’t need to always communicate in real-time. You also won’t always know where each other is or what they are doing, and you need to be cool with that. Being secure in yourself and trusting your partner is going to be crucial.

You know you’re doing the right thing because you will feel a deep gratitude having the other in your life, even when it’s hard. When couples “go official” varies, but to me, when you commit to making it work and when you both stop dating other people, that’s when you say you’re dating.

What do people do in serious relationships? I’m sure that’s wildly subjective, but to me, having a partner is having a best friend who I also do romantic stuff with. A person I can be 100 percent my true self with, a person who loves me about as much as they love themselves. It’s wanting their happiness as much as my own and working toward individual goals together as a team. We’ve both made sacrifices for each other’s careers for example. They are the one person I can stand to live with. The one person I feel like I could worth through anything with.

Yes, there are loads of things you can do together in a long distance relationship, and no, they aren’t all sexual. A lot of the people who write to me don’t do phone/cybersex for whatever reason, so you’re in good company there. You will still find loads of activities for couples in the list on this website and can do all the usual things together: date nights, enjoying shows and books together, laying in bed together on the phone and sharing your souls. Again, just like having a best friend, except you want to live with them and cook for them and make them smile.

When it comes to your sex life the hardest part is likely to be separating the concepts of attraction (lust) and affection (love). A lot of people lump these things in together and feel emotionally injured that their partner doesn’t want to be sexual with them, but they are separate things. An individual’s sexuality is about them, not their partner. If she doesn’t feel sexual attraction, that doesn’t mean you’re not attractive. It’s not about you. Likewise, not being attracted doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel romantic. She loves you! If those things are all muddled up in your mind, sit down together and sort them into "boxes." Is holding hands romantic or sexual? Kissing? Etc. Talk about it. That’s the only way you’ll get anywhere.

You’ll also need a plan to deal with your needs. Some couples are happy to outsource sex, others aren’t, talk about it without putting any pressure on each other. Talk about it when you’re doing something completely non-sexual, you’re not in bed, you’re not naked, and you’re not horny.

If this is your first serious relationship, I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re comfortable with masturbation. Lots of people are all “ew, I only do it because I’m single” or some bullshit, but really we all need to be able to take care of ourselves. Even in relationships between people with “typical” libidos there are many many times where one partner is horny and the other isn’t interested. Contrary to what our parents’ era thought, being married doesn’t give you rights to the other person’s body. No means no. It’s never okay to rape anyone. If enthusiastic consent isn’t present, it’s a no-go zone. So be prepared to man-up and take care of your sexual needs most of the time.

Ace and demi people do sometimes choose to have sex. Their bodies work the same as everyone else’s, they feel pleasure and stuff. Sometimes they masturbate too. But it’s not a priority. It’s not a burning all-consuming need. It might not even be a blip on their radar. If it happens, treat it as special, and don’t expect it to happen again tomorrow. It’s like just because I might let you borrow my car today doesn’t mean you can just take my keys and drive off any time. Each day, each situation, is separate. There’s no all-access pass to a person’s body. (I shouldn’t even have to say this, and I’m sure you know it already, but women, in general, are treated pretty bad so it’s worth saying for all the men here still learning.)

I wrote a letter recently covering sex and masturbation in relationships, so definitely read back through recent articles and absorb that information.

Being in a serious relationship is simply living your life with two people in the center, not one. You don’t have to jump in the deep end, you can tip-toe in slowly. Open up and talk to each other about everything that matters, a little more each day. If you’re both honest and coming from a place of kindness, everything that develops will be beautiful. Your relationship is about the two of you, it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. There’s no standard model. Enjoy it, nurture it, see where it goes.

Good luck!