Break or Break-Up?

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend said I’m the one that needs to take a break to know if I can really date him because he used some girl as his WhatsApp profile picture just to piss me off... I got mad and was asking questions, he turned the whole thing against me and asked me to take a break. I’m so confused, I’m wondering if he wants to break up with me but too cowardly to say it? Cause he has been doing other things too. Asking me to try and date other guys around me for a week or month.

I’m confused.
Pamela

Dear Pamela,

Mate, I’m confused too. Why would you care what his profile picture on WhatsApp is? Was she an ex-girlfriend, or just someone he thought you’d feel threatened by? Is he using a girl’s image because he’s pretending to be a girl in one of his other conversations? I don’t know. But I do know that he’s acting like he’s 17, not 27. Either way, his tactic worked. Which leads me to think that he must have said something pretty nasty to go with his new, obscure, profile picture.

To me, his goals in this don’t matter. Who cares if he wants to break up? The real question is: why are you with this loser? He’s a manipulative game-player (and possibly also a coward). I recommend taking his advice. Date other people and block him so you don’t have to put up with his crap anymore. Life is too short for his nonsense.

Dear Miss U,
So lately I feel a little lonely because it seems like my boyfriend would rather do other things than be with me. Sometimes he needs space to sort out his mind and I respect that but I've never seen him like this. We used to text throughout the day, Facetime would be 4 hours, we send x-rated pictures, he would try to make me smile. But lately, none of those things are happening. He'll text me for 15 min every other day (leaves me on "read" more now). I can't tell if he's still sorting his mind out because he'll tell me he spent the whole day with friends gaming online. And he knows he's been absent, he apologizes for it, but it seems like there's an excuse or no excuse at all, just text like nothing happened. He still says sweet things, but they've become less and less. We don't have common interests so that's even worse. Do you think he's bored now? Why wouldn't he be honest? I don't know how to bring it up either.

Confused Casey

Hi Confused Casey,

I’m not confident that bored is the word to describe this. Oversaturated maybe?

The type of contact you used to have is amazing and typical of the first rush of attraction, but it’s not sustainable in the long term. Now is the time to find a balance. It’s perfectly normal to want to do other things and talk to other people when you’re in a long-term relationship. It’s healthy. I don’t think we need to hit the panic button just yet.

You do need to strike up a conversation about it though. If he’s got time to play video games, he’s got time to talk to you for an hour each day. And that’s what I tell people to aim for: an hour talk time, and three text messages. Texting gives a feeling of connection, but it’s not an efficient way to use time or communicate. Save actual conversations for voice or video chats. So how do you start that conversation? Something as simple as “hey, I’ve noticed some issues with our communication, can we tackle them together?” will get you started.

Just tell him that you miss feeling connected. Ask him how much contact he expects, share what you expect, and find a friendly middle ground that you can both sustain while managing your work, personal time, and social lives. It’s important to show up for each other, to know you can rely on each other, and that security trumps spontaneity in my opinion.

Talking to each other about how to proceed should bring to light any issues he is having, including boredom. Conversations won’t always be easy, but you should be able to talk to your partner about anything; if you can’t that’s a red flag.

Dear Miss U , I have been dating my boyfriend Francis long distance a few months now. He lives in New York and I’m in Florida and we met through a religious dating site. We seem to be a good match and have the same goals in life, however lately I feel like our convos are too short and we don’t have enough lengthy talks like most couples need while dating. We both have different schedules; he’s a busy man but I’m scared that we not talking enough and one day he will get bored and leave me. Any advice? [read more: He’ll Get Bored and Leave]
Dear Miss U, I messed up a relationship with my ex 8 years ago. We were together 12 years and the last year we were together was not good, we argued all the time, I had credit cards he didn’t know about – maxed out. He traveled with work all the time and came home late Thursday night instead of a Friday and caught me with a couple. Two weeks later he accepted a job in a new province over 2000 mi away. We had no contact for a year and then I email him. He found someone new, and we started to become good friends and discovered we both had feelings for each other. We spoke or texted daily and I flew out to see him. We were both in love and we knew it, but he loved the woman he was with. I accepted that. Our relationship kept growing and my feelings for him are stronger than ever. He has flown out to be with me for a night or two. I don’t want to break up his relationship but told him I want to see him more and have asked for a transfer with work… [read more: You Can’t Fix Him]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.