Dear Miss U,
I have been with the woman I love for over 6 years. Our anniversary is September 2006. Since the start of 2011 I moved just a five hour drive away to Tennessee for school. I’ve been for just over 2 years now. We were handling the distance fairly well after a while, but then something happened. Ana has always been my comfort as I’ve been hers and we have held each other through some of the worst times in our lives.
I’m studying for my career as a pilot. In January last year when I was about a couple days from my first license check ride, my mom was admitted to the hospital. She was eventually diagnosed with liver cancer and wasn’t given much time. I tried to find comfort with Ana but I needed her in person. Contacting her is difficult as it is with limited cell phone time and Skype can be like talking to a brick wall. With school I could only see her once a month if I was lucky. We have been engaged for some time now and we had talked about wedding plans and how we needed to do something while there was time. I even moved to a new apartment where she could be with me and settle in and bring her favorite cat with her.
Time ran out. My mom passed away a month ago. I have tried to talk to her about how much I need her with me and, worse than ending it, it has just brought our relationship to a standstill. I’m at the end of my rope. I’m writing this laying awake at night feeling my lonely than I ever have.
~ Cameron
Dear Cameron,
Your question hits very close to home for me, and unlike the way I address other letters I receive, I can’t manage to write back with that necessary detachment. I’m not certain I have any useful advice, but I could not leave you alone, your message unanswered.
I lost my mom to cancer too. By the end it was everywhere, we couldn’t even honestly say what kind of cancer took her. My now-husband and I were in a period of long distance, and every day I live with the deep regret that she never met him. When we married, I did what little I could to honor her during the ceremony (and when the time comes for you, you are more than welcome to write to me for ideas) but of course it’s not the same. She will never meet any children I have, won’t celebrate with me when I buy my first home, can’t tell me she’s proud when I land that promotion. The years pass, but the pain never does.
One thing I learned was that people tend to struggle when dealing with grief that isn’t their own. They don’t know what to say or do, because most of the time there is nothing they can do to make it better (I realize this is not entirely true in your case, you’ve told Ana very clearly you need her there) and the weight of our sadness can become too much for them. I also learned that when we are grieving we can become very selfish people, to the point of being nasty without even realizing it. I’m not assuming that you are doing this, however I would recommend that you strive to be completely aware of your words and actions to be certain you are reaching out rather than pushing her away.
There are several stages a grieving person tends to go through, including anger and resentment. I don’t know what kind of a knowledge base she has on the subject, but it may help her to support you if she had some resources to learn from. Perhaps you could suggest she put some time into research if you think it would be beneficial.
At the heart of the matter, you need to know why she isn’t willing to move to you, and I can’t guess myself why that would be. You’ve been together a long time, you’re engaged. Accepting your proposal indicates to me that she’s ready to start that “happily ever after” with you. I recognize that she’ll be leaving behind her family, friends and job, but likely she knew that before you moved into a place that is supposed to be your home together.
It is hard when you’re mired in grief to sympathize with other people, but for you to get anywhere you need to both understand the position of your partner. Try to talk it out rationally, and really listen to each other. Repeat her words in your head if you are having trouble with focusing. It may be that there is a good reason for her hesitation, but she is afraid to talk to you about it because your troubles are so much greater at the present time. She needs to know that holding back is not protecting you from anything.
For the life of me though, I can’t think of a single reason she wouldn’t want to move to you even temporarily to support you right now. It is not too much to expect for your life partner to drop everything to care for you during such a time. If you have not tried stating your point in plain words now might be the time to do so. You might think that you’ve been clear that you need her to come to you, but she might not have interpreted it that way if you’ve not said it in plain words. Other than that, the best you can do is discover why she’s hesitating and go from there.
I am deeply sorry for your loss.
