Hello! My LD love and I are both Catholic, and as Catholics we are supposed to practice chastity (no sex, no anything, no being turned on.). Everywhere I go, they advise talking in a sexual way because it helps you to be more ‘intimate’ with your boyfriend/girlfriend. We are both becoming increasingly frustrated at the lack of just being with each other. I have found that whenever we do get a little turned on, it gives me a feel of being closer to my other. So here are my questions. In an LDR, is it that important to maintain a sexual intimacy to have a healthier relationship? Also, what other ways can you have that sense of intimacy that are not sexual?
Thank you!
~ Trouble with Chastity
Dear Chastity,
Not feeling aroused is a tall order, I would venture to say it’s unattainable. You might be able to suppress how you feel when it arises (no pun intended) and you can choose not to act on it – but feelings of arousal are natural and healthy, you can’t and shouldn’t try to banish them. There are very good reasons for why your body reacts as it does, so I would highly recommend you research hormones and their effects on your body and relationships. Knowledge is power.
Sexual intimacy is important in all relationships but that doesn’t mean you need to forgo your values. I can understand how hard it must be to find a balance in your life on this issue however, because I’m struggling to find enough of a balance to just write back to you! Within your own minds you need to decide whether or not you agree with the teachings of your church either fully or partially, and follow that to the best of your ability. If indeed you really believe you must not feel arousal, think about sex, talk about intimate acts or have sex of any kind, the best person to talk to about finding another kind of intimacy would be a priest. Don’t be embarrassed, I’m sure they hear these questions all the time and would be relieved that you sought out their help on the matter.
Spiritual bonding, whist not the same as sexual bonding, is intimate so I would recommend turning to faith and prayer together. Let that bring you closer; let your conviction and love for God sustain you. Pray together and confess your sins to each other (James 5:16). Avoid routine prayers or reciting scripted words by crafting your own prayers. Invite your significant other into your personal conversation with God; what could be more intimate than that?
If both of you are on the same page and want to wait to enrich your relationship with sexual intimacy then more power to you. Nothing else you do will give you the same intimacy, but that doesn’t mean you have to do something you’re not willing to do.
Dear Miss U,
Loong loong time ago, I met a guy online on a chat side for teenagers. I wasn’t looking for love or anything, just some fun. I met this guy and we started chatting. I didn’t get his name or anything, and I didn’t add his avatar when I had to go. Then I forgot about him. Then one year later, I meet him again! But this time he has changed his name. It was so weird. Of all those people, I met HIM again. It was now August 2012, I was on summer break. We started chatting, this time much more. We became very good friends, and supported each other, we had long conversations and would watch movies or listen to music together. One day he told me he was in love with me, and honestly, I felt the same way, but had never had the guts to tell him. We decided to get in an ldr relationship, but it was problematic. We fell more and more in love and used as much time as possible together, despite our 6 hours’ time difference. I’d stay up all night and so would he, we’d fall asleep together, and wake up on the chat to talk again. But we argued and we missed each other, and we wanted MORE than just being and online couple, but we were only 17, so we were stuck in school. Now we’re 18, still stuck, but it would be possible to visit. We broke up after dating for 5 months, we’ve been “friends” for 3 months now, which causes arguments ’cause we’re still in love. We both don’t know what to do, and if we can make it work, but the worst is not being together. Can we make this work, or should we give up?
~ Desperately in love
Dear DIL,
If you’re in love, if you’re so tangled up with each other that you can’t think of being with other people and you can’t move on, then what choice do you have other than to be together and make it work? Just do it. It’s not impossible. It might require a long waiting period, some sacrifice and a lot of paperwork. Find out what you need to do, break it down into easily-managed steps and take them one at a time.
