Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I met through mutual friends, and have an amazing relationship. There is a lot of trust and great communication. Before we met he had applied for a contract position in Northern California (from May- November 2013) and I had applied for graduate school in Israel (August 2013-September 2014). We have a great plan for dealing with the distance; I’m going to Cali from June- August. And he is coming to Israel in January, time to be determined by funds and job offers. We will be reunited for good in September 2014. We just started doing distance, and a problem I hadn’t thought of has come up: How do I deal with the emotionally taxing issue of missing him? I am trying to stay busy, but I just know that it would be better if he were here or I was there. I miss him so much, and it’s just… sad and painful. How do I deal with this?
~ Sarah
Dear Sarah,
There’s only so much you can do with keeping busy and flinging yourself towards distraction before you come to a point where the only thing that can save you is your attitude. It takes a certain amount of discipline; you need to foster the ability to approach the situation from a more positive perspective just to save your sanity. First you need to accept your predicament. You are in a long distance relationship; that’s how it is. It might be better if you were together, but you’re not. Don’t put your energy into wishing away your time until you can be together, instead embrace the fact that there is someone in your life that you can miss so much – someone who is worth the pain, the effort, the waiting and the nights in at a computer instead of out on the town. It’s better that he’s in your life, even at a distance, than for this relationship to not exist at all, so focus on that. Focus on how lucky you both are rather than how bad you have it right now.
When you can’t stop thinking about him and missing him, don’t try. Enjoy those feelings for what they are, see the romance in your own story and get what comfort you can from that. Then take the time to do something for him (or with him). Long distance relationships are not just phone calls and lonely nights. They are an opportunity to deepen the relationship through conversations you would not otherwise have had, they let you orchestrate surprises, and they are a time in your lives where the smallest gesture can mean the most, when you can make someone’s entire day with a simple note or photo. Take full advantage of that. In twenty years’ time, when you’ve woken up to each other’s morning breath every day for years upon years, if he finds you in his living room in a giant box wrapped with a bow he’ll think you’ve lost your mind. But if he finds you like that tomorrow, he’ll remember that day forever.
Remember why you need to do the distance and then make the most out of what you have now.
Dear Miss U,
I have been dating a guy in a LDR for 8 yrs. He comes to see me more than I have been there. Everything was great until recently my 16 year old had a baby. I noticed a changed in him immediately…he is very cold and spoke his mind about this situation. He thought she should abort. Being in a LDR communication is a must. He would be mad and sulk and hide and not talk about it or let days go by before he would talk and I usually had to do the initiating. The last three visits he has been here have usually ended in fights well for Easter he left because of a fight I guess he wanted me to chase him and I didn’t I let him drive 8 hours home. Well he was livid we talked and he showed up on a surprise visit for a one nighter. I thought things were great. He has been helping pay my bills and buy Christmas and birth days… well I was blindsided one day where he said I used him and now he is in debt because of me because of all the years of helping me. I know he is not happy in life with his job/living situation/money/his kids and now us…the last thing he said was I will pay your still till the end of year he said he hates me and doesn’t love me even though he professes/ed it almost daily. We were soul mates I grovelled and cried which I never have done before and he still was cold, mean and bitter he didn’t care. Well I changed all my accts to have me pay and not him even though he said he would he wants no contact with me unless there is an emergency he said I am confused. HELP should give time or move on.
~ Jen
Dear Jen,
I’d go with moving on in this case, it sounds like it’s over. Whilst I can theorize how he might of felt used, or what his opinion may have been on your daughter’s pregnancy (seeming he appears to be financially supporting your family) what it comes down to is that anything I’d say would all be guess work that doesn’t change the outcome. He’s treated you badly and told you he wants no contact with you, I think that’s pretty clear that he is done with this relationship. Give yourself the time you need to heal, and move on.
Congratulations on your new family member.
