Dear Miss U,
This is kind of a long story, so I apologize in advance. I met a man on an internet poker site. At first, it was just talking and chatting when we would see each other on the site. Then we exchanged instant message names and began chatting non-stop. We are talking 16 hours a day or sometimes more with getting little sleep. I felt like I truly connected with someone for the first time in a long time. After developing feelings for the guy, he tells me he’s married but extremely unhappy and planned on leaving her before he even met me and money is really the only issue with why he hasn’t. Fast forward and we have met in person and fallen completely in love. We are on Skype all day and night and I know that he isn’t lying when he says he spends no time w/his wife and has no relationship w/her. He claims he needs money to leave and even though he bought his house before they were married and it’s only in his name (he lives in FL) that she will get the house even though she can’t afford it on her own, etc. and that all her debt will be divided onto him, etc. So he’s telling me he won’t be able to leave until he saves money and that could be six months to a year from now. I’m scared he isn’t going to leave and this is all just to fill some void for him. This man is my world and I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if this was all just some joke. I have no idea what to do……
~ Nicki
Dear Nicki,
The absolute first thing I would do here is brush up on your family law and find out if what he says is actually true, you might even be able to get free legal advice if you look around, because something here just isn’t sitting right with me. The second thing I’d say is absolutely under no circumstances should you give this man money. Love him as much as you like, but don’t get financially involved in any of this. Until the point when he is putting you first and you are the only woman in his life you need to be your own number one priority.
You are also right to fear that he won’t leave, or that they might reconcile. Realistically, you don’t have any way to know that he hasn’t done this many times before, as much as I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Proceed with as much caution as possible, because he is obviously capable of a high level of dishonesty (he’s cheating on his wife here, after all, no matter what he says is going on between them).
But do proceed. Be guarded and smart, but see it through til the end. No one can control when they meet their significant other or under what circumstances. Love happens unbidden. Both of you need to hold yourselves accountable for your own actions, and he needs to deal with his situation before he can expect anything more from you, so do not let him guilt you into anything. Six months to a year isn’t really that long; seeming he has given this time period I’d advise that if he hasn’t divorced her and gotten his own digs a year and a half from now that you move on, regardless of how your heart feels come that time. It’s reasonable that you need to wait, but make sure there is a limit.
Understand that until he gets everything in order, you’re only going to be the “other woman” and that will be the extent of the role you’ll take in his life.
My last piece of advice is: be complete in yourself. Let your relationship with him be the icing on an already fantastic cake.
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. She lives in California and I live in Kansas. We met on this chat app we both had and had no intentions of falling in love but we have and on April 14th I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes.
We have never officially met in person so being in a long distance relationship is even harder now. Over, the last week she has been acting different and said “she needs time to think and space” What does this mean?
She knows that I want to come see her as soon as I can and that I want to fly her to New York this summer because that’s where I am interning so we can see each other but she has not responded about it. I am a college student and being in college is hard because breaks aren’t that often and I want to go see her so bad this summer but I can’t because of my internship. However I have told her that I want to come see her over Thanksgiving, Christmas and my spring break but she didn’t really respond to that. What does that mean? I love her with all of my heart and soul and we know that we both want to be together until the end of time. The distance is killing us both right now. Please help me save my relationship I can’t lose her. I love her so much and she is my life and my everything. We text a lot during the day so am I maybe smothering her? Please help me save my relationship. Please.
~ Tyler
Dear Tyler,
Yes it sounds like you’re smothering her. You might also be moving too fast for her, back off on the forever stuff until you’ve been together a year or so. You have your whole lives ahead for you, so enjoy what you have now. Experience the journey, rather than being so focused on the end of the road that you don’t see the beautiful things you’re rushing past.
Plan one first meeting and see how you go after that, because planning to go visit her every chance you get can be overwhelming rather than romantic. Also, meeting in person is a big thing, and can be scary for a girl. You must understand that women face some dangers that aren’t as prominent for guys and we aren’t as able to defend ourselves, generally speaking. That’s without considering everything that gets set in motion when your hearts are on the line. Meeting in person is a make-or-break thing, it changes your relationship, makes the long distance harder to bear. So tone it down a little bit. Give her the chance to instigate your conversations for a while. As a general rule, don’t text more than three times a day and save conversations for Skype/the phone/your main source of communication. Most long distance couples seem to do their most intense chatting in the evening, so save what you need to say until then. Neither of you need to give the other a play-by-play of your day, nor is it particularly advantageous to have your phones constantly in your hands throughout the day. Live more in your separate worlds, rather than turning your back on everything to focus on each other. There is a balance, and you need to find it to save your relationship. I’d recommend talking to each other about your expectations and goals. How often would she want to talk to you, ideally? How much alone time does she like? When would she like to meet, and where? What would make her more comfortable in going through with a first-meet situation? Remember to remain clam while you have this conversation. If she only wants to talk every second day or doesn’t want to meet you until next year, don’t take it personally. It’s not about you, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. Some people are just naturally more cautious or independent.
Only fools rush in.
