Dear Miss U,
Well basically, I have been in an LDR with this really nice guy who lives 737 miles away. He plans to come visit me soon and will stay with me for a week. The problem is his ex-girlfriend. He was with her on and off for 2 years and then with her fully for another whole year. He still loves her, she broke up with him about 3 months ago and he still hurts a lot. I am trying to be supportive and understanding, but he’s constantly talking to her (he initiates) and comparing me to her, brings her up in a lot of our conversations.
She lives close to him. This troubles me… I know I need to have trust, but I am a very jealous person. If you have any advice, it would be much appreciated.
Thank you,
Tears From Tampa
Dear Tears,
I know you’re not going to want to hear this, but he’s obviously nowhere near ready for another relationship. My best advice for you would be to break it off with him and remain just friends until such times as he is completely over her and can give you 100% of himself in your relationship. You are not his counselor, you can not fix him; this is likely to end in heartbreak for you because right now you’re his second choice. He wants her, not you, and eventually that is going to destroy not only the relationship you have together but your self-esteem as well. In this situation you need to listen to your jealousy, because your instinct is right. Now is not the time to be putting your trust in him.
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I have always lived apart. We started dating around this time last year when she was on summer vacation from school. She went back to New Hampshire for school and we decided to stay together. Things have been great till now. She recently was chosen for a job in D.C which starts in July. Recently she has been saying things that make me question if she still wants to be with me. For example, she said “what if I go to this city and I feel like you’re holding me back”. She’s lived in a small college town the past four years and is now wondering if the transition is going to bring on some big changes for her mentality about us. She is also saying how difficult it is for her to have been dating me for a year and only spent a few months physically with me and how she wishes I could be with her but given both of our job opportunities that can’t happen for at least another year. She is also seeming to take a pessimistic approach. She is only talking about ways in which it won’t work out. But a few days ago I almost ended things and she began to break down and cry; I wasn’t quite expecting that. So I’ve told her she needs to take a more positive approach to our situation but she refuses to budge calling me an idealist and that I’m ignoring a future problem. This has been an issue for weeks now but because she refuses to change her mind and think positively we just end up spinning our wheels. Is there a chance she changes her mind or is this unhealthy and I should leave?
Confused in ALB
Dear Confused,
I get the impression that what she needs right now is the reassurance of a solid plan. She needs to know not that this will all work out – but exactly how you’re going to make that so. Sit down together and make a closing the distance plan, even though you can’t close the distance for over a year. Knowing roughly when and how it’s going to happen gives some people a better sense of security in the relationship. Perhaps she is concerned that she will love this job but that she’d have to leave it for you, assuming that you wouldn’t leave yours for her. Talk it out. She seems to have a laundry list of reasons it won’t work out, so sit down and address those hypothetical problems. Show her that you’re willing to make your relationship a priority, and that these issues won’t stop you. Give her as much proof as you can rather than empty reassurances. And if that still fails, then you can say you gave it your best shot and cut your losses. Everyone gets down about their LDR and faces doubts from time to time. Occasionally it really does seem impossible but if she can’t snap out of it; say a month after her new job begins, then it might be time to let her go for your own well-being.
Dear Miss U,
I’m not sure what I used as my name before, but I asked a question wondering from a troubled teen’s point of view if a long distance relationship would be possible for my age. I turn sixteen in August, on the thirtieth.
Miss U, if you remember, you gave me so much hope. You said my partner and I could use our age to our advantage. So guess what happened two weeks ago? I moved. I now live two hours from him. We’ll be together a year on my birthday…well… kind of.
Anyway, to my question. I’ve always found it hard to compete with his one ex. Lately he has reassured me many times he doesn’t like her anymore, and that he’s over her. But just a skim over his Facebook, and he has five pictures of her. Two where they’re kissing. And it bothered me. I’m wondering if I should be so…jealous. Or if it would be controlling to ask him to delete them. And do you think he’s over her? She was his first love. And those pictures… when we first met, he was with her. He idolized her. For two days, he hasn’t been answering any of whatever I send him. Texts, calls, Facebook messages. We were talking about our romantic get-away for this summer. And now, he won’t answer me at all…Do you think he’s ready for this kind of commitment? Do you think he’s ready in general?
Oh my, that was around ten questions. But I figure that you’re experienced.
Thank you for everything,
Curious Teen
Hey!
It’s great to hear from you again! Congratulations on moving closer, I’m glad to hear you’re still together.
Listen, she’s his ex. He’s not with her – he’s with you. Because you’re awesome. She’s his past, and you’re the future. So worrying is daft and will just give you premature grey hairs.
About the photos, he might not even remember that they are there. I know Mr. E (My SO) is like that, that kind of thing doesn’t seem to cross the male mind the way it would for us. He still has gifts from girlfriends past that he likes and uses, and he has a “box of memories” where he’s got special trinkets (like jewelry from deceased grandparents) and, you probably guessed it, a small selection of photos of those who came before me. Do I ask him to get rid of them? No. Because we are all entitled to our past. Our past teaches us lessons and makes us who we are. If he hadn’t dated her, he might not be the wonderful guy you’ve fallen in love with. So when it comes to things like those few photos on Facebook, just let it go. If they are still there after you’re engaged, then say something, but for now let sleeping dogs lie.
It’s not very polite for him to just stop speaking to you, but I’m sure it isn’t anything you’ve done wrong. Just give him time, he’ll probably get back to you (and hopefully have a good explanation for his prolonged silence)
A romantic getaway sounds exciting! You might be right and the seriousness of this relationship is a little daunting for him. All you can do is ask him, and if he says it is don’t get angry, just ease things off for a while. Keep things fun rather than initiating big heart-to-hearts. I can’t tell you if he’s ready or not, all I can say is try not to stress about it. Love is supposed to be fun, just enjoy the journey with each other.
