Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I met online on deviantart when I was 15 and I’m reaching a point where I’m feeling really troubled and anxious about our relationship. This is my first real relationship and I want it to last, but a lot of doubts cloud my head. First of all people keep telling me that love at my age doesn’t last, that you’re just going to break up when you go off to University (Which I will be going to in a few months), Secondly people keep telling me that this online relationship “isn’t a real relationship” and that they easily fail.
I love my boyfriend. And if I’m too young to know what love is, I really really care about him. He’s been such a big part of my life for 2 whole years and he’s the one I run to when I panic or that I’m scared. I’m looking forward to meeting him for the first time yet terrified that it will change things between us. I’m also scared (because this is what my parents say) that committing too early in my life will eventually ruin my life.
So this brings me to my two questions, when two people meet online for the first time, will it change anything? Will we feel less love for each other?
And secondly, can love that started at such a young age even survive?
Thank you for your time,
Feeling Anxious
Dear FA,
There’s one important thing you must learn about life: It is full of people who talk up a storm about stuff they in actual fact have no clue about; to put it politely.
You are never too young to know what love is. Yes, I said it. Against the nagging voices of a thousand parents I will say it again. You are never too young to know what love is. You might be too inexperienced or sheltered to know what you want out of a relationship or what you can and can not expect from a partner; you might be naive and easy to manipulate, you might over-react to things because they are new and you don’t yet realize it isn’t the crisis situation you are making it out to be and you might be too young to legally commit but the ability to feel love is innate. No one has the right to tell you something you feel is invalid or imagined. Besides that, you’re not that young. You’re both adults.
Meeting for the first time does change things. Occasionally people meet and find out that they are not as compatible as they thought they would be, but most of the time the main change is simply that it makes being long distance harder. When you go back to the distance after meeting you suddenly know exactly what and who you’re missing and you have more to miss: their presence, their energy, their scent, the feel of their skin. You’ll mourn the ability to wake up next to the person you love and the ability to do things for each other.
Meeting, generally speaking, is the turning point. It will either confirm you have a future together or provide you with closure so that you can move on. Meeting your love online does start you off on a different footing than meeting them at a bar, at work or in the classroom (just for some more common examples). When you meet physically at the same time you meet mentally, the physical things tend to take precedence. The physical relationship asserts itself much sooner and there tends to be less of that soul-deep communication. When you can do nothing but talk for two years you get to know someone really well, communicating forms the basis of your bond together whereas in some relationships that started more conventionally bonding tends to be something maintained more through sex than heart-to-heart conversations. Relationships that start online and are maintained primarily at a distance are still real relationships. If it’s not “real”, then what is it? You’re not imagining this! You are two real people connecting to each other romantically, how much more real does it need to be? Yes, it is different than being in a near proximity relationship, it is more limiting. There’s only so far an online relationship can take you before it needs to become physical or it will deteriorate; but who intends to date online forever? No one who’s sane.
You’re not going to love each other less when you meet unless you’re one of the few couples who find they shouldn’t love each other at all. In most cases finally meeting makes your love stronger and gives you that I’m-living-a-fairy-tale feeling.
Love that starts young can indeed last the test of time. I loved Mr. E when we were just teens, and I know other couples who met at a young age and went on to have successful marriages. There was a time where that was the norm. It won’t necessarily be easy or without sacrifice, but nothing worth doing was ever easy. Committing early in life won’t ruin your life. It could, if you continually gave up opportunities for your partner and never received anything in return, but then things like that can ruin your life no matter how old you are.
When it is time for university be smart about it. Understand what challenges your relationship will face, discuss them before they happen and go in with a plan. Talk to each other, make each other a priority without giving up the things that matter to you.
A successful healthy relationship is a point of pride. If you can hold one down from a young age with both of you uplifting each other, working on your dreams and goals as a team, then you ought to be commended.
Trust yourself.
Dear Miss U,
We have been going LD for almost 6 months now, at the beginning I was OK, but lately I have been really depressed. I miss him so much, I cry for most of the time I’m awake… I don’t go to uni unless it’s absolutely necessary because everywhere I go everything I eat on campus reminds me of him… we skype everyday but it’s never enough… I’ve been calling him lately, and crying for hours at end. He feels really frustrated and helpless and this makes me even sadder. I don’t know how to control my emotions. I don’t know why I’ve been feeling so particularly down these few weeks. I keep telling myself that after my finals I’ll be seeing him again in less than a month, but I can’t console myself. I feel lost, lonely, and sad. I cried for the entire 11am-5pm today and then sporadically from 5pm till 2am… I was supposed to complete my assignment which is due tomorrow but I did nothing but cry. When my friends are around me, I try to appear happy, but as soon as they leave I fall into this deep black pit again. I miss him so much I just want to quit uni just to go back to visit him. Help me?
Kelly
Dear Kelly,
I think your best course of action would be to visit your doctor and get a little bit of help with this, whether it be counseling or medication or even an alternative therapy option to help you manage and eventually overcome this depression.
This level of despair is neither normal for your situation nor healthy. It is not ok to base your entire happiness off one person, not even if you’re married to that person. I urge you to become whole within yourself and let your significant other be the icing on the already fantastic cake of your life, rather than being the whole cake and the platter it is sitting on. If you won’t visit your doctor or a counselor on campus, at least reach out to a friend and ask them for help. Someone to hold you accountable, someone to drag you to class and ensure you have some fun in your day could go a long way.
Try to change your attitude to this too, why let being reminded of him make you sad? Be happy that he is in your life, focus on how blessed you are to know each other rather than wallowing in his absence. It will do you no good to throw away your uni education for a guy – and you are already doing that by the minimal effort approach you are taking. Please, step back from your emotions and see what you are doing to your future – the future you are working towards together. Re-read the letter you sent me and pretend a friend wrote it; what advice would you give her?
I wish I were qualified to help you, I hope you can find what you need.
