Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years come the end of the month. We have been long distance for most of our relationship. We are over 900 miles away from each other. He lives with his family now, and I’m here with my family, the place I was born and raised. He is not from here.
We have always been really good at dealing with being long distance, but now, for me, it is getting harder and it’s me who is having trouble with this, he is perfectly fine knowing I’m his.
I am missing him more and more every day. We used to talk every day and now we don’t talk as much because he has been working a lot. He is growing up and acting like his age and doing things that he needs to do as an adult. I am having trouble doing anything. I do community college right now until I transfer. I don’t have a job and I don’t really do anything productive anymore because I think so much about him that it makes it hard for me to get my mind off of it and do something.
It is really frustrating to me and makes me angry that we don’t get to be near each other. I want to do things and be like my friends but I have trouble doing things being away from him. I want to do stuff but with him and I cant. He is able to work, and hang out with friends, and do things and be perfectly fine even though I’m gone and I know he has to but I can’t even do it and I don’t understand how he is so okay that I’m not there when I miss him so much. I want a plan about living with each other or near but we don’t. Help?
~ Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The question is WHY don’t you have a plan to live near each other?
The thing with long distance relationships is generally people reach a saturation point, they are done with the distance and want to move on to something more. Particularly younger people who have not settled down into a home and marriage and all those things society tells us we want to have. It sounds like you have come to the point where you need to give this relationship everything it needs to succeed, or you need to cut yourself free before the loneliness destroys you. There’s no point in suffering through the distance if there is no future to light the end of the tunnel, so sit down together and look for that glimmer of hope. Draw a map to get there. Because without a plan, I can guarantee your lives will not conspire to bring you together.
In addition to that, confide in a good friend or close family member about how you feel – someone who will force you to live your life in the interim. Someone who is willing to drag you kicking and screaming back into the light of day. Don’t be afraid to turn to your support network for help, and don’t hold back from your boyfriend that you’re needing more out of this relationship now. Three years is significant, you’re not strangers; you’ve made a commitment. Find a way to live the life you want to be living.
Dear Miss U,
I have been in an LDR with my girlfriend for over 4 years now. It was never an intentional relationship, but we fell in love and at a young age were full of passion.
I live in the UK and she lives in New York. Being students, we only get to see each other twice a year. To make matters worse, she is an undocumented immigrant to the US since the age of 5, and so she can’t travel to see me, or work, which has meant the responsibility to see each other has been all mine.
She is from a religious family, and whilst initially we were comfortable sexually on camera, phone and text, she is no longer turned on or attracted to me when I am away. When I am with her things are fine (though we haven’t had sex) but when I am away, she acts cold and uninterested, and has said she has no sexual attraction.
Last week she told me she had kissed other guys and dated, which left me heart broken. I believe she did it because I’m not there, and she wants attention, but I am left feeling embarrassed, emasculated and incapable. She says I should leave to not get hurt anymore but I know she loves me and misses me.
How do I move on from her cheating and bring spice, interest, and intimacy back to our relationship when I’m away, and make her want me like she does when I’m with her, instead of other guys? How do I allow her to feel comfortable around me and aroused over such long distance? How do I bring back the passion and trust we used to have?
Thanks for your advice,
Ben
Dear Ben,
There are many obstacles here, I understand why you’re feeling overwhelmed!
I guess firstly, she needs to tackle her illegal immigrant status. It is not ok to walk into adulthood with the expectation that you will never work or travel, and her parents have done her a great disservice by setting her up thus. I have absolutely no clue what can or should be done to fix this nor am I qualified to advise you on a course of action, but it’s glaringly obvious that something must be done.
As to your sexual issues I need you to understand that you are not incapable! You have been reaching out to her sexually and trying to fulfill that need as best you can from a distance. It is her that has withdrawn from your (at-a-distance) sex life. Do not blame yourself for that. You are not less of a man simply because your partner won’t meet you half way.
What you both need if you are to move on from this is to talk openly and find some solutions. You need to know why she no longer feels turned on or attracted to you while you are away. I know it won’t be an easy conversation, but it is one that must be had. Is it simply she is bored or turned off by the limitations placed on your sex life and is struggling with the reliance on technology (plenty of people just don’t enjoy phone or cyber-sex) or is she genuinely not attracted to you? Is she bored or worried that she’s missing out on things? Is she deliberately sabotaging this relationship because she doesn’t know how to break it off? Ask her the questions you asked me, because she is the person who can answer them. Don’t guess as to why she has acted this way, but find out for certain. It’s important to know why this has been happening, or it will happen again. If there is no solution, then she might very well be right and you should consider ending the relationship, although I fully understand why that is the last thing you want to consider.
The only thing that heals trust is time but I find that fun is the best kindling for passion, so find ways to have fun together again. I hope she will open up to you and work with you on this relationship but remember that it takes two, and not to blame yourself if you’re the only person trying to hold this thing together and it falls apart.
