Dear Miss U,
I live in Australia and he lives in the Caribbean. We know each other like the back of our hands. We have kept our relationship a secret which is an issue to me now.
I am having doubts about us though. We have plans for him to come to Australia in March next year however I am finding it all too hard now. I feel like I have missed out on my teenage years in away because of this relationship but am afraid to tell him this because I don’t want him to feel it is his fault when it isn’t.
I love him to pieces and really don’t want to leave him but a am thinking more and more about leaving him just for our own good, I don’t know what to do, we video chat more often now and things but I still feel like we’re not going to work.
I am worried that if he comes here and we don’t work out it would have been a waste of 2 years for both of us and getting back on our feet due to the flight expenses will be difficult.
Please help me figure out what I am supposed to do.
~ Oceans Apart
To figure this out I need to know what about your teenage years you feel you have missed/are missing out on. Why is it too hard? Do you feel like it won’t work just because of the distance or due to your compatibility?
– Miss U
The finding out who I am and the being an irresponsible teen I guess, I had to act like an adult since I was 15 due to other things in my life as well. I find it too hard because organizing for him to visit is difficult, with high costs and all I really want now is to have him with me in person. We are a very compatible pair, we share similar likes and dislikes as well as beliefs but some of his beliefs are stronger than mine which does tend to cause some arguments occasionally but besides that we work quite well as a couple. So it is mainly the distance that makes it seem like it won’t work. It seems like we will never really be together, we are so far apart from each other.
~ Oceans Apart
Dear OA
I personally don’t feel that an individual needs to be single to find out who they are. We are re-discovering ourselves all the time whilst remaining a part of something greater than ourselves. We do not stop being daughters, sisters, employees, or friends to grow into ourselves so why then should we need to cast away romantic relationships to discover the same? If you do not develop the skill of being yourself and growing as yourself within a relationship, no marriage you have will be able to survive. In addition to that, I do not believe that being irresponsible is necessarily a part of being a teenager. When I recall that period in my own life, I see many things I did that were irresponsible or selfish – but I know at the time I did not intend to be that way. I was never deliberately irresponsible, in fact I thought I was the sole of responsibility. Life almost every teenager in human history I believed I was mature for my age, wise beyond my years. And in some ways I suppose that was true. I was independent, I didn’t live at home with my parents or rely on them for any part of my survival. If I didn’t go to school or work, there was no one who would make me go. But with the gift of hindsight I see all the ways I wasn’t independent, the poor choices I made and of course all the things that were not keeping with my true self. So, you do not need to go forth and be a wild crazy irresponsible youth (I’m not sure we can use “I was young and dumb” as an excuse if we know perfectly well we are doing the wrong thing) because you are already being wild, crazy and irresponsible: a prime example of which is your secret relationship.
From my limited point of view, you have not missed out on anything. You can’t miss out on your teenage years; that is an impossibility. You can of course spend them differently to how your peers have, but there’s nothing wrong with that. We all have our own experiences and our own unique regrets.
All of this is just food for thought however, because my advice is this:
Don’t give in to your (typically teenage) longing for drama. Look at this from a factual standpoint: You have not missed your teenage years, for they are many, whilst you’ve been in this relationship less than two, and in the event this relationship doesn’t work out (a risk we all face) then what you have lost in time and money you have gained in experiences and knowledge. The great thing about money is that if you work hard you can always make more of it.
Closing the distance and cresting the visa mountain top is certainly a challenge, and you are not at all alone in feeling overwhelmed at the prospect, but it is attainable. Seeming this relationship is a secret and you are a minor, I’m running on the assumption that you have not met in person, I apologize if I am wrong in this. I strongly recommend that you meet and spend some time together in person before you make the decision to give up on this relationship. Meeting face to face changes things. It gives you answers to questions you might not even realize you have. Meeting will help you know for sure if this relationship is worth the sacrifice or not. I know, it’s over half a year away, but in reality that’s not such a great stretch of time. Can you let this relationship go and never wonder “What if…”?
With all that said, close your eyes and imagine your future without him. How do you feel? Can you imagine getting your first home, graduating university, buying your first new car, welcoming your child and loving another man not just as much as you love him but more? Does it seem impossible? Does it make you choke up with grief? Or does it make you feel free? Listen to your heart. You already know what it is you need to do. As you read this reply you already know what it is you most wanted to read me saying.
If despite everything your heart whispers “Let go,” then let go. It doesn’t matter who he is or how much you love him. Let go. It doesn’t matter that you’re great together, that you’ve never hurt each other – there doesn’t have to be a bad guy in every story. It doesn’t matter if you could “find yourself” within the confines of the relationship or not, it doesn’t matter if you have no excuse for how you feel. If you need to move on, there’s nothing wrong with that. Let go. Say goodbye. Wish him well. If your heart says “Let go” then let go – your heart knows already what your mind doesn’t want to accept.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. We’re both 19 and met in college in FL. He’s an international student from Bermuda and I’m from NYC. However, I have to transfer to a school back in NYC. Therefore, we are long distance until further notice. He was supposed to visit for the summer but now his parents are totally against it. They claim we are too young to visit each other and don’t want him coming here or me going there. They’re overprotective and I understand but I don’t understand the extreme measures. I know how I feel and I’m willing to wait but we have to visit each other eventually. They baby my boyfriend in every aspect even try to control what he wears. They refuse to get to know me or my family. Now my parents are unsure of this whole relationship. All they see is their daughter crying. I don’t want to end what we have but I can’t convince his parents otherwise. I think he’s too afraid to talk to them too. We just got into a huge fight and a lot of words were exchanged. I feel heartbroken. Where do we go from here?
~ Franny
Dear Franny,
You know that old saying “You’re marrying him not his family?” It’s bullshit. You totally are marrying his family too most of the time. I know you didn’t say anything about marriage, but it’s the same outcome. The point here is, if you stay with him, you’re stuck with them. Do not assume that’s ever going to change.
Because in-laws become such a huge part of your life, especially if you decide to marry and bring their grandkids into the world, I personally don’t date men whose family I can’t stand. There’s always going to be one or two bad apples in the barrel and you can make do with what you’ve got, but if they are more rotten then not it’s often best to find a better batch.
He is an adult, regardless of what his parents want to think, but if they are supporting him financially they are going to have some level of power of him. If that’s the case he may be afraid to challenge them lest they withdraw their support; in response to which I would say it was time for him to stand on his own feet instead. I do think the “too young” excuse is just that – an excuse – and I wonder what their true motives for trying to stop this relationship are. As to where you should go from here, I think that’s a question you need to ask him. Face the realities together and see what you can make of it; if he won’t work with you on this issue or can’t see what the problem is then it might be insurmountable. I wish you all the best, and hope that he can convince them to give you a chance to show how good for him you truly are.
