Baby, Think It Over

Dear Miss U,

~ Anonymity is okay

Dear AiO,

I see what you’re going for, and I think a lot of people would tackle this the way you have, but no, you’re not doing the right thing here. It seems to me like you have little to no experience with grief such as what your significant other is struggling with, so let me address that first.

If you wait until things stabilize for her, you could end up waiting years. It is not as simple as just waiting until her father dies, or even a month or so beyond that because the pain is going to be there as a constant for quite some time. There are many stages of grief – pre-death grief, shock or relief, anger, and feelings of abandonment are just a few things she is likely to experience before acceptance comes and she is able to move on. The loss of a parent, even as an adult who doesn’t rely on their parents any more, is often a life changing event. You can’t expect her to be ‘stable’ in any reasonable length of time.

It also occurs to me that perhaps this situation she finds herself in could be the root of your struggles with intimacy. For many people, when they are under large amounts of stress their libido suffers. I’m certain the distance is not helping this, because when you are finally together, she’s likely seeking the things she needs and has missed most – and sex is not one of those things at this time.

I think if you’re going to continue this relationship, as a charade or genuinely, a deeper discussion of your bedroom issues needs to take place. A relationship is two people working together to meet both parties’ needs. Ask her what you can do to help her be more interested in bedroom activities as well as finding out if there’s anything she needs from you in other areas. Figure out if her libido has always been this low; if it’s situational or if it’s hormonal and could be fixed by a trip to her GP before you write-off what appears to be an otherwise great match. Gently let her understand that your needs are not being met, despite your high regard and love for her, and that (if it’s true) you would like to address this and potentially save the relationship.

Although she is going through a lot in her life, it is wrong to assume that all else must wait to be addressed until this crisis passes. I speak from experience here; I have been through a very similar loss to that which your girlfriend is facing but even in the midst of that pain I knew my relationship at the time was on the rocks and I repeatedly tried to address it with my partner. In the aftermath of that family member’s death, I ended the relationship, but my now-ex tried to cling to what we had. I mentioned how many times I had tried to address our problems, and he bought up new problems that I had been unaware of saying that now this other crisis had passed we could work on it; but there was nothing left to work on, the problems had gone on too long and destroyed any hope. When I asked why he didn’t talk to me about this on one of the many occasions I discussed fixing the relationship his excuse had been that I “had enough problems” and he “didn’t want to burden me” with more things to deal with during such a time and I know a lot of people think that way but I’d have much preferred to be given the chance to save our relationship than to let it deteriorate to a point where it was not salvageable or I’d have appreciated being set free so that I wasn’t wasting my energy on something that would ultimately only gain me heartache. The fact is: our lives go on even when a crisis is taking most of our attention.

If you feel like you’re abandoning her and you don’t wish to do that, scale back the relationship until you are just friends, but don’t string her along. It’s cruel to let her believe she’s investing her time and heart in this one-sided relationship. If you’re going to leave her anyway, then do it now so that she can start healing from it now.

Dear Miss U,

~ Lilly

Dear Lilly,

Please bear with me while I sift through your letter, because I need to process all of that vocally before I give you any advice. Much of what I’m about to say you’re not going to want to hear, but it’s going to be more or less the exact reaction you get from any adult, so you may as well know what is going to go through their heads. After that, I will do my best to address your question from a sympathetic standpoint.

Dear Miss U,

My man and I have been dating for three months now and our love is beyond what I have ever expected in any of my past relationships
You’re nineteen! How many quality, long-term, adult relationships can you have possibly had?

We had a pregnancy scare a while ago
… A while ago? You’ve only been together three months. Even if you were having sex before you considered yourselves to be dating, this is an obscenely short period of time to be considered “A while”.

after we figured out I wasn’t prego, we decided we should try to have a baby
I completely understand the disappointment you both felt after you discussed the pregnancy scare and readied yourselves for a positive outcome. I understand the hope and the fear, the excitement and the let-down. But you’ve been with this guy for three months. That’s less time than it would take to gestate said offspring!

We decided to get married by next month.
BY next month? By? As in before? Isn’t that needlessly rushed? What’s the hurry? You’ve expressed that you would like the support of your family in this, possibly including their participation, so it would be prudent to give them time to digest news of your engagement and make any arrangements they need to if you expect them to attend.

… I really love this guy and I have 100% trust in this guy and we will be financially stable for all of this.
You love and trust him… but you barely know him. I’m sorry, but that’s the blatant truth. You’d be marrying someone that’s a short step away from being a stranger. It would be prudent to let the first flush of love and enthusiasm settle down, have some experiences together, spend some time – quality time, more than ‘a while’ – in each other’s company before you chain yourselves together for life (or the very least the duration of your baby’s childhood). You’ve heard of the “honeymoon stage” I imagine. Let that stage pass and see if there’s any substance to this relationship before you build a future on it.

But the only problem is that we don’t want to tell anyone about our plans yet
I sense this is because most reasonable people will react in much the same fashion I am reacting – only worse because they know you and love you. You know people are going to react badly, and I’m sure you can see how immature your decision making looks in this situation. Surely you can understand why people would be concerned and alarmed. Imagine your sibling or best friend coming to you and announcing plans to marry and start a family immediately with someone they have not even been with a year.

but at the same time I do because it is exciting for me to say that I will be starting my own family.
Yes, it is exciting to start your own family. But it’s a lot of other things too. It’s stressful. It’s hard; mentally, financially and physically hard. Being a parent takes a huge amount of selflessness. People tell you about the dirty diapers and sleepless nights, but that isn’t the half of it. Being a mother is the never ending job. There’s no five o clock in parenthood. You can’t hang up your coat for the day and go to the pub. If the child is not asleep, and sometimes even when it is, every moment will revolve around that baby. Which can be delightful. I am a parent and I have no regrets. But some days it isn’t delightful, it’s an uphill battle in a landslide. Some days you don’t want to be fun. Sometimes you don’t want to cuddle or feed, or be demanded from constantly. Sometimes you’ll be sick, and even then you will need to be selfless. Motherhood is the acceptance that for the rest of your life (or the next 18 years at least) you come second. You are less important to all the people who know you, and to yourself as well – but you are the most important person to that life you have created. Parenting in this age in our culture is alienating and full of judgement.

But, you’ll have him there, won’t you? No. Not necessarily. You’ll be financially stable you say – but what happens if he leaves or dies in a tragic accident? How will you support your family then when you don’t have a degree or job experience because you leapt into parenthood unprepared?

You know what else parenthood is hard on? Your marriage. Yes, when I held our offspring for the first time and looked into Mr. E’s proud face I have never loved anyone so much, but in the time since then I’m well-aware that our marriage would not have survived if we’d gone into this unprepared. Even after lengthy discussions on parenting and ethics, we still sometimes think the other is doing it all wrong. Sometimes the stress is so high we lash out at each other and only the groundwork we laid in our years of dating manages to pull us through. If we were still adjusting to living life as a team when our first was born, likely we would have scrapped this enterprise altogether. Not because we’re in any way incompatible, but because it would have been too much too soon and we wouldn’t have the sure knowledge that we have needed to cling to. In our darkest moments I can reach back to a memory or a promise we made together, I can recall who he is (because after years of communication and experience I knew him as well as one person can know another – I had only began to scratch the surface of that in our first couple of years), who I am (as a woman. And I can honestly say that I was a different person at nineteen before my brain had finished developing) and what it means to be “Us” outside of the parenthood role and that gives us strength. I can not properly articulate why this is so important, much to my endless frustration, so please take me at my word on the truth of it.

All of that aside, why now? People are going to ask you that and you ought to know the answer for yourself anyway. Why are you marrying this man? If you can’t answer that without falling back on “because I love him” then it is way too soon. There is far more to a marriage than love. Love does not conquer all.

What is the hurry? If you are “meant to be” then you have all the time in the world. You have the time to let your families get to know you as a couple and come to support you on their own. You have time to plan a wedding or elopement. Time to travel together. Time to make your career plan, because that is important to new mothers, contrary to what you might think.

My best advice, that I’m well aware you won’t take, is for you to get a baby think it over doll and for you to get pre-marriage counseling together. Give both six months and then re-address this issue.

Now, let me answer the question you came here to ask:

“How do we tell people what our plans are without having people trying to convince us not to do what we want to do?”

Unfortunately you can’t control people or their reactions; the best you can do is preface your announcement with “I love you and I want to share my excitement with you because you are an important part of my life. I realize this may come as a shock to you but I have made my decision and any attempts to convince me otherwise will only strain our relationship, so I ask that you try to be happy for us…” or something to that extent, and hope that concerned family can appreciate your standpoint. You might try reassuring your family that you have put a great deal of thought and discussion into your plans and acknowledging their concern for you is born out of love. In the end though actions are more convincing than words so until they see that your relationship is good for you, making you happy as well as helping you grow as a person, they may remain quietly skeptical.

I know how hard it is to be so sure of your course – so happy – only to be faced with disapproval, suspicion and endless questions, and I do feel for you on that despite believing you have romanticized marriage and parenting in your imagination. I want to congratulate you on finding happiness, because that is truly wonderful, and wish you all the best for your future, your marriage and motherhood, though I do hope you approach them in their own time and savor each step as it comes.