Dear Miss U,
I’ve been with my gf now for 7 months. We have been friends now for over a year. We meet when I was getting deployed to Afghanistan. When I finally made it home we started dating and really hit it off. I got a new job that requires me to travel. They sent me back to Afghanistan and I’ve been here for three months. Everything has been going ok until now. It seems like all we do is fight over stupid things. When I first got here she was really emotional and was having a hard time but I would be able to calm her down and we would work through it. This last month has been really hard on me. I’ve been really emotional and having a hard time being here. We took a mortar round that hit about a 100 ft from me and i got peppered with shrapnel. I’m ok and nothing happened to me, but when I heard the whistle of the incoming all I could do was think about her. Since then I have become very emotional and not very happy with my decisions with taking this job. Since that day we have been fighting more and I have become very emotional and clingy. Things that wouldn’t normally bother me do. We have never fought until now and I’m tired of fighting. She wanted me to give her some space after our last fight. It’s so hard though I try to but she is always on my mind. I’m afraid if I keep bugging her to talk to me I might lose her. I’ve never felt this way about anyone like I do her. I took this job so we could have a good financial backing before we got married. She still tells me she loves me.
~ T
Dear T,
You have my utmost respect, and I’m sure many readers here feel the same.
As to the fighting, it takes two people to argue. One of you has to want this relationship enough to put the brakes on and stop the dispute in its tracks. Talk to each other about how best to defuse arguments, or write to each other (letters or emails, don’t do it over text messages) if talking is likely to end badly. There are different ways to turn a bad conversation around; some people have a lot of success with humor (eg: “Are we fighting? I hope we are. That leads to make-up sex right?”) While others calm themselves down (deep breathing, taking ten seconds to think before responding), and apologize or agree to disagree. Some people recall a hardship they faced with their partner, and think “This is nothing compared to that, why are we even bickering?” or “We’ve been through so much together, why am I letting this small issue worry me?” Talk to her, and discuss what ways each of you can best defuse a disagreement. What techniques would work for your personalities? Admit that you’ve been oversensitive, and hopefully in time she will do the same.
You mentioned that things which usually don’t bother you now are. So my suggestion is to work with yourself on this. When you feel that niggle – You know the one. The onset of irrational anger, jealousy, unfounded protectiveness etc – stop and ask yourself “Why is this bothering me?” also look at the situation as if roles were reversed. Would she be upset if you’d said or done whatever it is that you’re now getting upset over?
The truth is we can not change our partners, and we’re never going to find that person who never irritates us, never accidentally upsets us, and never makes mistakes. Thus we have to work with what we’ve got and pick our battles. Is it really important? If it’s not a deal breaker, and if no one is being harmed, take control of yourself and let it go. Someone once said to me “You can spend twenty minutes arguing about why he doesn’t put his dirty socks in the hamper or you can spend twenty seconds, do it yourself and have a happier relationship,” and that has adapted to many situations for me so hopefully you too can make something of it.
You both love each other. It’s time to remember you’re on the same team.
Dear Miss U,
Me and my girlfriend have only had 3 months together and the rest she’s been home for the summer were separated by 800 miles .. she goes from loving me to hating me … she tells me I don’t try anymore but all I do is try my life revolves her every day of mine is dedicated to her just now we were talking fine all day I called her and she said “don’t ever call me again.” She’s always doing this to me, I feel like she could just throw our relationship away like it’s nothing and she can easily tell me to fuck off and etc … I love her so much and I don’t know what to do .. I’m picking her up from the airport in like 2 and a half weeks… this isn’t even half of it.. But I don’t know what to do.
~ Dylan
Dear Dylan,
She seems to have a lot of issues and to be playing games with you, I’m not sure you can salvage this relationship; but before you throw in the towel, discuss with her that people show love and expect to be shown love in different ways. Ask her what makes her feel loved. For example, some people give or like to receive random gifts to display love, while others want to be told, or want to be shown sexually. Perhaps she is expecting you to “try” in one way, but you’re trying from a different angle, like speaking different languages. In a relationship both parties need to clearly communicate their needs verbally otherwise it will get nowhere fast.
One thing is for sure, you deserve to be treated better. I know you love her, but being in a relationship with someone who actually shows you respect will unlock deeper levels of love within you that you didn’t know you had.
Dear Miss U,
My bf and I met in March 2012 when I was holidaying in Miami. He’s from there and I live in Australia. I went back to see him in Sept 2012 and he came to see me in May this year. We chat via text every day and video chat whenever we’re both free which is only about once a week because of the time difference. I honestly think he’s “the one” and we have spoken about me moving to the States in a couple of years’ time and starting a life together. Problem is I am having serious doubts. I’m really close to my family and I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope without them. He doesn’t want to move here (he has valid reasons) so I feel like if I don’t do it that’s it for us. I don’t want to lose him, but every time I bring it up he says it’s my decision. Is it too much to ask for him to tell me he wants me to move and fight for what we have? It’s so hard to communicate properly via text and even though he tells me he loves me every day I feel like I need something more so I know he’s worth the move.
~Lil
Dear Lil,
I always say “Don’t move for someone who wouldn’t do it for you,” but only you can know if this relationship is worth it. I’d suggest doing a trial run, to see if this relationship can cope with day-to-day life and stresses. There are plenty of working holiday options for you to test run this. (A working holiday visa is different from a work visa and is much easier to get, lasting a year.)
To me, people are more important than anything else. Leaving behind a family and friends that you are close to is extremely difficult, and I must point out it is harder for us women who are naturally more socially-dependent than our male counterparts.
To me it sounds like he’s not really ready to advance this relationship.
Your situation sounds a lot like something Mr. E and I went through. He was visiting me, and I was to return with him to his home at the end of that visit. We had a fight because I felt he was forcing me to move. He yelled “I’ve never once asked you to move! I’m not making you do anything!” as his defense, and it was true. But he’d also told me he wasn’t willing to move for me. So I said to him “One of us has to move. If you refuse, you’re essentially forcing my hand. What other choice are you giving me?” The only other option would have been to break up, which neither of us wanted, but at that period of time he just wasn’t ready and didn’t need the relationship in the same way I did. That conversation was a turning point for us, because he didn’t realize that not saying anything was still making a choice. Perhaps it is a conversation you and your partner also need to have
I can’t make this decision for you, nor can I tell you if it will be worth it. Sometimes there are no good options and you just have to stick with something half-way-decent until another door opens. Be patient, keep communication open, and listen to your instincts.
