Should he give her his passwords?

Dear Miss U,

I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 2 years. We haven't been able to meet that frequently but he never fails to make me happy, even though we aren't physically together.

Recently I asked him for his passwords to his social media accounts but he didn't refuse to me directly. He just said, "Don't you trust me?" and said that he doesn't remember any of his passwords, and if he would have remembered then it wasn't an issue for him to give his passwords. Then I asked him to recover his passwords again and then share it with me. To this, he got a bit upset and told me that why don't I even trust him for a bit. He asked me do I even know why I keep doubting him and now asking for his passwords.

Now can you please tell me what all this even means? Is there is something that he is hiding from me or he keeps talking with some other girls and he is scared that I will come to know.

Nabanita

Hey Nabanita,

What it means is that you are being rude and hurtful, asking for information you have no right to. He deserves privacy, and what’s more, it’s a terrible idea to share your passwords with people, especially over the internet!

Why do you want his passwords? Is it because—gasp—you don’t trust him? Because there’s no other reason for you to have them if you don’t intend to check up on him. Of course, he’s upset, he has every right to be devastated that someone he loves and trusts has zero faith in him.

My advice would be to apologize profusely, then go and see a counselor about your trust issues before they destroy your relationship.
And Nabanita? Any time you snoop, any time you go looking for something to be upset or offended by – you will find it. Not because the other person is doing something wrong, but because you’re looking through the lens of your own bias. When we want to find something to be upset about, we always succeed. So check your attitude, and if you can’t give him your trust let him go find someone who will. We can’t be vulnerable and nurtured properly within a relationship without a foundation of trust and integrity to fall back on.

Dear Miss U,

My (ex) bf and I broke up about two days ago. He told me he just didn't think we were going to work out bc of the distance. We went in blind into the relationship, knowing that he didn't actually really believe in LDRs. we've come to love each other but he told me that his doubts still haven't changed and that it would be better to stay friends for now and see what happens in a year (when I'm 18 and able to move out so that we'll be able to meet for the first time). I've been taking this very badly, I've lost several kg's over the span of three days and I can't stop crying when I think of him or when I see/hear something related to him. I know it's still fresh but I still decided that we can continue as friends.

However, one of my best friends told me that he thinks he might've found someone else, seeing that my ex started a new school about two weeks ago and he told me that he thought of breaking up since his school started and he once told me about a girl classmate of his which he liked her clothing style. I know he cares about me and wouldnt hurt me but I am just too scared of him finding someone else and leaving me behind.

There's still a whole year left before I will be able to meet for the first time so there's so much that can happen. I don't want to open up for a new relationship but I know I'm only setting myself up for more heartbreak. What do I do?
Rab

Dear Rab,

If he loves you—truly loves you on a soul level—it won’t matter if he dates someone else. Sometimes we lie to ourselves, and we say “I don’t love this person” or “I can’t date this person because they are too far away” or “it’s too hard, I won’t try” but the heart doesn’t listen to that stuff. The heart isn’t convinced by logic. The heart doesn’t care about too hard or too far. It knows what it wants. If he loves you, at some point, he will realize he isn’t happy with anyone else.

Of course, there is the chance this is just infatuation between you, Or maybe you really are just better as mates. Time will teach you either way.

But I can tell you not to worry about whether he dates other people or not. Mr. E and I went through this too. We were young, poor, and in different countries. We both dated other people. We both tried really really hard not to love each other. We stopped talking to each other for months at a time, but in the end it was harder trying to lie to our hearts than it was to find a way forward together. We’ve been married 8 years now, officially together for 12 years. Was it easy talking to him before he went on dates with other people? No. Did I ever cry after he came home and told me everything they did together (and I mean everything)? Yes. Yes, I cried a lot. And he did too, not that I knew about it.

Love isn’t always simple. It doesn’t happen the way with think it should, at a convenient time. But if it is love, his heart won’t be fooled. Don’t let your imagination torture you in the meantime.

And if it’s not love? Time will heal the wounds. Like you said, it’s still early days. You haven’t been together very long. You both will recover, no matter which way this goes in the end.

For now, be kind to yourself. Cry if you need to. Watch sad movies and listen to angry music and eat the bad food and process your feelings. Live your life as best you can. Remain friends if you can (because good marriages are built on great friendships) and let time take care of the rest.

Dear Miss U, ...I recently asked him to give me his password for Facebook. We share all the other passwords and he knows mine. I already had his password but because I never used it I forgot it. I asked to have it again because even if I don’t use it, me having it means that he has nothing to hide. And well he refused to give it to me. Saying that he has issues with trust and decided that he would never give his password for Facebook. So I sort of got upset and we talked a lot about that and I explained why I wanted it and he doesn’t want to give it to you. I know he isn’t cheating on me, because I know him and he would not be capable to do that to me. But I feel like I can’t really trust him anymore and he doesn’t really trust me...[read more: Trust & Expectations]
Dear Miss U, My boyfriend and I have been in this long distance relationship for about two weeks now. I will be living in the US for one year, while he is still back home in South Africa. We have each other’s Facebook accounts on our phones. So about two days ago I noticed that he had searched his ex-girlfriend’s timeline. To be honest it killed me inside. I haven’t confronted him about it yet coz I just don’t know what to say or react because this has never happened before. We speak on a daily basis however he tends to read my texts and replies after hours. This has been happening all week. It is very scary because it’s still too early to be facing these challenges, that’s what I think. I love him dearly but I really don’t want myself to be fooled. I really don’t know what to do! [read more: Log Out]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.