Dear Miss U,
I am in a LDR with my boyfriend for a year now. We live on 2 different continents but we have plans to move together to the same place in a year, which is not that much anymore. We meet every 3-4 months, which is probably a quite good thing for an intercontinental couple 🙂
What bothers me that recently he got a female roommate, who is also his co-worker. He could not afford to stay alone financially, and he found a female roommate. We talk every day with my boyfriend, and nothing has changed in our relationship, and I really don’t want to seem a jealous girlfriend because I trust him, but I still feel uncomfortable about this situation. I am thousands of miles away and he lives with someone else. I would probably be jealous even if he would live with another man, just because the roommate is able to see him and talk to him every day and I can’t. I heard that in the US it is common for man and woman to live together without anything happening between them, so maybe it is just a cultural thing.
I just want to stop getting mad and sarcastic with him anytime he mentions something about the roommate or when he goes out with coworkers and she is also there, but it is so hard. I don`t know how to tell him that I am uncomfortable with this situation but not make him feel that I don’t trust him.
~ ILONA
Dear ILONA,
If you do trust him, what exactly is the problem? And don’t give me the line “I trust him, I don’t trust her” because it amounts to the same thing. It takes two people to become intimate or begin a relationship. If one of those people is 100% trustworthy and committed to someone else, nothing can or will happen.
There are many people who see your partner and can talk to him every day. Being jealous of those people harms only yourself. It’s in no way constructive for your mental health or your relationship, so you do have to exercise your self-discipline and have yourself let it go. It might take practice, but you are in control of your own mind.
Specifically, with the gender of his roommate, why does it matter what gender a roommate is? People are people, above and beyond gender. What if he were bisexual instead of straight? Would he then have to live alone to make you comfortable? Just think, are you attracted to every male you come in contact with? No of course you’re not. So why do you need to feel threatened by this person he lives with? Is there any actual indication he’s attracted to her as more than a friend?
I’ve lived with a lot of roommates in the past and let me tell you; living in close proximity with anyone for a period of time tends to make you like them less, not more. This is why I’m very pro living together before marriage. Putting up with another person in your space is hard. They are either more messy than yourself and you find yourself picking up after them, or they are neat freaks, following you around with the dust buster and dropping hints about taking the garbage out more often. They always seem to play music or have the TV too loud right when you want silence, and they always come home right when you’re not expecting them and you’re doing something embarrassing. Roommates, for the most part, suck. One of the fastest ways to destroy a friendship is by living with that friend, so if you’re worried they are going to grow closer just because they live closer, think again.
As nothing has changed in your relationship and it’s a temporary thing, I would recommend you let this one go. Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable, feel free to seek some reassurance on the issue (as long as it doesn’t become an issue you’re bringing up every month or more often) but if he’s not doing anything wrong, don’t expect him to change anything. It is entirely your issue. When you mention it, don’t go into it all heavy with a “we need to talk” try, “I know it’s irrational, but the whole female roommate thing makes me uncomfortable” and then maybe share some more of your culture with him. Hopefully something could come out of that conversation to put your mind at ease.
Where I am from it is also uncommon to have a woman and a man as roommates, but honestly there’s just no logical reason to be upset by it. We’re all people, regardless of what we have between our legs.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve been talking to this girl I met on a dating site a month ago and things have been going really well. Sadly there is doubt in my mind and I’m terrified that I’ll never meet this girl that I honestly think I love.
We talk every day on the phone and send messages. We have a lot in common, so much it is a little scary at times. I feel like I have to stay strong and keep a positive mindset as it’s the only way I can stay sane and keep hope.
I’m worried about her at the moment as she mentioned to me recently she had only just gotten out of a 7 month relationship 2 months ago with a thoughtless guy who made her self destructive.
She went on to the dating site we met on to mess around with other guys and gain experience.
When she told me this I didn’t and still don’t agree with it. She then mentioned that she didn’t want to as much anymore because she had met me and wanted to wait. I feel as if I’m being used as a bit of a rebound from her relationship with this guy but I’m not sure.
We aren’t dating as she lives in America and I live in Australia and she doesn’t want to be in a relationship yet, I totally understand why that is.
I don’t have specific questions but I feel I need advice on how to go about this whole situation. Is it worth keeping my promises and visiting her in 6 months to see how things go or should I quit while I’m ahead and find a girl in Australia? I really really like her, so much it hurts at times.
I hope to hear back from you soon.
~ Jamie
Dear Jamie,
Whilst she could be on the rebound, I know quite a few couples whose relationships started out as rebounds and turned into long-lasting marriages. You can’t control when you meet the right person, and you can’t always expect them to wait around for you to get yourself together, so sometimes you just have to go with it, dealing with past hurt even as you build a new relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as that baggage is dealt with instead of being carried forward.
You also seem uncomfortable with the idea of her messing around and gaining some sexual experience, despite the fact you’re not actually together. I might be wrong, but I feel like this is a moral judgement of her character on your part. And I think that’s slack. If one of your guy mates said the exact same thing to you, that he was going to have some casual relations, you wouldn’t bat an eye-lid. Because that’s what our society tells us is ok. Men get their dicks wet, women try to have as few partners as possible and get all their skills from reading cosmo. I’m sure logic tells you that this social construct makes no sense. As long as she’s practicing safe sex, not leading anyone on and generally just being responsible about it, why does it matter that she wants to have some experiences? She’s young, you both are. It’s normal to want to explore that side of oneself, though I believe you can do that just as well with a small amount of partners, plenty of people would not agree with me.
I’m going to tell you what I’ve told countless young women who write to me about their boyfriends or potential boyfriends seeking the same experiences. Isn’t it better that she get it out of her system now, rather than having regrets later? There’s quite a bit of security that comes from knowing your partner is experienced enough to know exactly what they want, and that you’re it. They’ve shopped around, and you really are the best out there for them. So, if she wants to fool around while you’re not together, try not to judge her for that. It doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. It means she’s in touch with what she wants and needs sexually, and that is a lot better than an innocent starfish laying rigid in your bed if you do commit to each other later.
You really like her! It would make no sense whatsoever to not follow through with meeting in person and seeing if you have that special something between you. Australia to America is a long way, but it isn’t insurmountable if you both want it enough. Everyone has some doubts at the beginning of their relationships, that’s no reason not to proceed. Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “What if…” get over there and find out.
