Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I met in May and since meeting we had a ‘thing’ for each over the past few months I’ve realized I love him, although we only started dating officially a month ago. We haven’t met in person yet though he’s flying over to see me in November. The next time we see each other will probably be late next year. Since we met we’ve talked about sexual things and it is a relatively big part of our relationship, although not the main part. We are both virgins and would love to be each other’s firsts. I really want to have sex with him when he comes in November, and he really wants to too, but I’ve always thought you should be in a relationship for a long time before having sex. We’ll only have dated for 4 months in November and I would normally think that’s too soon, but as we wouldn’t see each other for almost a year after that and we have had history, I’m wondering if it’s different. He says he understands if I’m not ready though he’d love to because he’s scared by the time he comes next year I’ll have lost feelings for him and we won’t lose it to each other. What would you suggest I do?
Miss V
Dear Miss V,
There are no rules to when you should have sex (aside from laws relating to such), and whether you have sex early on or later in a relationship doesn’t define the quality of the relationship that you will have nor the kind of person you are. You don’t need my permission, or any one else’s opinion to tell you if you should have sex with your boyfriend. However, in a normal relationship you would think 4 months was too soon. So in a relationship where you’ve never even held hands I’d consider four months to be, by that standard, way too soon.
I do think it’s strange that he wants to have sex on this visit because he’s afraid by the second visit you will have lost feelings for him, and thus it may not happen. It sounds a lot to me like “I don’t want to miss the opportunity to have sex” more than “I want you to be my first” which there’s nothing wrong with really, I’m just the kind of person to see a duck and go “It’s a duck!” captain obvious style.
Personally, I’m a big believer that popular media and culture make virginity out to be this big special glorious holy thing that it in fact isn’t. In contrast to the low importance I place on virginity, I do think sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship. It’s right up there near the top.
What it comes down to is: Are you ready to have sex?
Do you have a decent education on the subject? An understanding of safe sex, STIs, reproduction and the general mechanics of fitting tab A into slot B? Are you of strong enough character to stand up for yourself and your best interests? Can you trust yourself to say no and be honest if things move too far too fast for you, or are you going to lay there suffering and drowning in regret? Have you spoken about what happens if you fall pregnant? Because there is always a risk, no matter how slight. You need to be on the same page about your beliefs and values concerning this. If you’re going to spend three weeks out of every month panicking over pregnancy scares, then that’s a really good indication that you’re not ready to have sex. On the other hand, if you’re already pro-active about your sexual health, and the idea of talking to your doctor about birth control or pap smears doesn’t mortify you, you’re probably more likely to cope well with a sexual relationship.
I would suggest that you prepare for all eventualities, but that you make no promises. If you end up waiting an extra year to have sex, no harm is going to come of that. If you fall out of love with him, you’re certainly not going to regret saving your virginity for someone else, and if you’re still going strong it will give you something to look forward to. Understand too that there are a lot of wonderful intimate things you can do together that aren’t intercourse. One thing to note is that you can’t miss something you’ve never had, and the added pressure of missing that sexual connection is occasionally too much for people. Once they discover how great sex can be, they sometimes don’t want to put this new wonderful thing on the shelf and go back to having cybersex for a year.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years, and he just recently moved almost 20 hours away. I am struggling a lot with this distance, but he seems to be dealing with it much better. I understand that he handles things like this better, and I am way more emotional, but why doesn’t it affect him like it does me? I am always texting/calling him, because that is what I need to survive this type of relationship. He just does not seem to give as much effort, but then when I finally break down and get upset, he either says “everything’s fine, just try to relax” or something that makes me feel annoying for trying to talk so much. Every night I find myself so worked up and emotional about it, and he seems to be busy and not missing me. Honestly, I feel like crap and it is exhausting. I love him with all of my heart, and I know he feels the same… so why do I have to feel so lousy? What am I supposed to do? I can’t just bottle up my feelings and try to avoid talking…. I wish so bad that this would get easier. I wish so bad that he would constantly show he cares and reassures me. He is the one who moved away, assuring me it would work between us and he would do everything to make it work. I would never give up on us, so I just don’t know where to go from here. I am sure many people feel this way while in this type of relationship, it is a very discouraging feeling. Thank you for taking the time to read.
~ Con
Dear Con,
I think it was the second time I visited Mr. E that he wrote a letter for me to read on the long journey home. He wrote “I don’t think I’ll cry” and talked about how he wasn’t distressed that I was leaving. He’d even gone to work on that last day we had together, like he didn’t feel anything at all. That kind of made me angry, or it would have if I could have thought about it through my tears. Instead I cried all the way home, listening to the same sad song on repeat for hours. Years later, he confessed that he cried every single time after a visit, and that his family would avoid him for days because he was so agitated and out of sorts.
The point of this story is, sometimes we assume our partners are doing better than they are, simply because they deal with things differently to us, or because they are trying to be strong for us. I can not even count the times I have shouted at Mr. E “You don’t even care!” only to be corrected. In fact, often he is very worried or upset over whatever it is, but he’s trying to “be strong” for me. Many guys (and some women too) think they need to be this unshakeable rock, when really their partners would prefer the validation that would come from them suffering a little more visibly.
Put plainly, it doesn’t affect him like it does you, because he isn’t you. And because, seeming he just moved and is adjusting and making new friends he has a lot to keep his mind occupied so he doesn’t start moping. Being busy really does help you get through the days; a lot can be said for a nice colorful distraction, so I would recommend filling your days so that you also don’t have time to wallow in sadness and check your phone twenty times an hour.
Contacting him constantly is also counter-productive. You’re not giving him the chance to contact you first, and he may feel that he has nothing to talk about on the phone if you’ve been texting all day. I think it would be best if you had a conversation about how much contact you’re both comfortable with. A general guide would be an hour conversation on the phone each night and a handful of texts (that is, no more than five) during the day. You could have a longer phone/Skype call on weekends/days off. He makes the commitment to have free time for those calls, you make the commitment not to blow his phone up constantly the rest of the time while he’s busy. Freedom can really enhance a relationship. It gives you both the chance to grow your own independence and to pursue your talents all within the safety net of a loving relationship. You don’t have to, nor should you, bottle up your feelings; but that doesn’t mean you can’t find a better outlet for them. Start a blog or journal, take up painting or some other creative pursuit, or write him old fashioned love letters.
In time, you will be able to remind yourself you are loved even when you’re completely by yourself and alone. You don’t need to be in constant contact to be connected from your hearts. He can’t constantly show you he cares; that would be exhausting, and if that weren’t enough, after you’d heard the same reassurances for the hundredth time you would start to doubt his words. We all have to take responsibility for our own happiness, and make the best out of what we have to work with.
Long distance doesn’t typically get easier, but you’ll both get better at it in time and it will stop having the power to ruin every day in succession.
