Dear Miss U,
I have had feelings for this guy since 2008 while I lived in California and he’s in Nashville. He’s remained a constant in my life we have talked, texted and skyped on the laptop. Every time he comes around I get excited but when he’s busy with school months go by. And when we talk again sometime later those feelings come back all over.
I’ll be attending the same college as him in the spring but, I’m scared. Should I approach him or should I wait until I have made some friends of my own and a space of my own before I confront him? Should I tell him that my feelings for him never left and now that we are closer can we try to have a relationship?
On a few occasions he has told me that he has feelings for me but, he doesn’t want his feelings to get caught up because he feels like we will never meet. He’s not my only reason for attending school I have goals and dreams I want to reach for myself but I want him by my side.
He has this disarming smile that even at the times when I’m pissed off at him he can smile at me from skype and my walls come down. I don’t know what the future holds and that’s alright I’m just scared to take the first step my mind is up and down about it I just dunno.
– Nashville Heart
Dear Nashy,
You need to make it a priority to meet this boy; even if that means picking up an extra job to raise the money, because realistically it looks like that is the only thing that is stopping this friendship-with-feelings from blossoming into full-blown romance. He doesn’t want to invest his feelings in a fantasy, and that’s all he’s going to let you be until you show him you’re willing to put the effort to be in his life physically. So there, steal his heart. He’s already told you he wants you to come get it.
I know, that isn’t what you asked. I don’t think it really matters which comes first, confessing your feeling to him or settling in and making friends, because there’s no reason you can’t do both concurrently. Even if you were dating, you couldn’t (or at least shouldn’t) spend all your time together. You need to have friends and interests of your own, and he’ll want to continue doing his own thing with his friends as well. All healthy relationships have to find that balance. Go get him!
Dear Miss U,
Isn’t it natural to want to know what your significant other is up to? That they’re ok?
Normally we’re pretty good with communication and keeping each other informed. Occasionally though, when he’s out late with his mates he won’t reply to any of my texts. I’m not saying he needs to reply straight away but even when he’s home he won’t reply. I could chalk it up to him being tired but he doesn’t reply the next morning either! The only reason I’m not worried is because the msging program we use lets me know that he’s read the text but just hasn’t replied so I know he’s ok. Eventually later in the afternoon he’ll reply, apologize but say he hates how I make him report all his actions. It’s not about reporting, I just want to know he’s ok.
I think he feels smothered by me and every once in a while he’ll accuse me of being too stalkerish. It’s not like I can see him in person except once every few months. With such limited means of staying close isn’t it normal that I want to know what he’s up to? That he’s ok? It happened again last night and I just feel miserable. If he has time to update his Facebook pic then he has time to drop a text and let me know he’s ok.
I guess my question is if I really am acting too much like a stalker? If so, how do I give him more space without losing the closeness I need?
– Needs to know
Dear Needy,
Simply put, yes, you are being way too overbearing. Yes, it’s natural to want to know what your significant other is up to, but you already know what he is up to: He is out with his mates. That’s all you need to know. You don’t need to know what bar they are at, what he’s wearing, if he danced with anyone, what he’s drinking/eating or what they are talking about. And it’s rude of you to expect him to be chatting with you on his device rather than being mentally present with his friends. It puts him in a bad position when you’re messaging him when he’s out. He doesn’t want to ignore you, but it would be very impolite of him to be focusing on a conversation with you during a social event with someone else.
This is, in fact, really the only problem I have with the way technology influences our lives – people are no longer truly present in their day. I can’t count the amount of times twitter or email has interrupted a coffee date with a friend because they can’t resist the jingle in their pocket, and that gives me nothing so much as the feeling they would rather be with someone else, doing something else. That they don’t care about what I’m saying or our friendship. You only need to walk past the local park to see this is true. Count how many parents are staring down at their phones while their kids yell “Hey, watch this!” ignored. It’s sad.
It does sound a lot like it’s about reporting, which can lead to him feeling like you don’t trust him. Let him go out, undisturbed, and then when you talk next ask him about the highlights/lowlights and have a nice normal non-invasive conversation. Let him share his experiences with you, rather than feeling like he is obligated to account for his time.
Think about it, when you can see him in person, you’re still not going to be there on his boy’s night out, or with him at work, or when he’s off doing his hobbies. You’re still not going to know exactly what he’s doing right at that moment – and that’s ok. That’s how it is supposed to be. It’s good for your relationship not to be in constant contact. It is healthy for your development as individuals to have freedom.
He is ok. The likelihood that something bad is going to happen to him isn’t really that high. But, in case it does, have him put your name and phone number in his wallet on a piece of card that says “In emergency contact…” that way if he isn’t ok, you’d know about it. And if no one has called you, you know he’s fine.
When he’s out, limit yourself to one text, and make sure it isn’t a text that requires an answer. One text along the lines of “I’m going to bed now, just wanted to say I’m thinking about you and hope you’re having a great time. Say hi to the guys for me” is fine. Any more than that is too much when you know he’s busy.
The easiest way to give him more space is to be going out yourself. If you know in advance he’s going out, go out yourself. Ask him to warn you when social events are happening so you have time to make plans; I’m sure he’ll be willing to cooperate if it’s going to give him a bit more freedom. You will be much more likely to think up wild scenarios if you’re home alone and bored, so go see a movie or have a long phone call with your mom.
Other than that, it comes down to self-control, which luckily is a skill anyone can develop. Likely you will find that the quality of the connection between you will thrive and he’ll begin to want to share his adventures with you once it stops being a chore, and thus you will still enjoy the connectedness your heart needs.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I love each other very much. We express it a lot, and text or skype each other every day. However… sometimes when other people are in the conversation he’ll mention other girls he knows that are hot or attractive. It’s not that I care that much, because it’s obvious there are plenty of attractive girls in the world and I think its ok to recognize it. I just don’t know how to respond or react or what to do. He also makes up for it at one point or another, like saying I’m hot too afterwards.
What should I do so that it doesn’t look like I’m completely awkward or hurt in a way I’m not?
– Awkward Girlfriend
Dear Awkward,
Good on you for not getting needlessly jealous or upset. He’s not blind, you’re not blind. That’s great. I think this kind of openness fosters honesty in the relationship. I also think that he’ll grow more tactful with age, as he’s quite young, and will learn not to put you in awkward situations. It’s possible he doesn’t realise that you might be uncomfortable, because he just thinks you’re that cool.
If you know who he’s talking about, I suppose you could offer your opinion. You could single out a feature you find attractive and compliment her too, or say “Yeah she’s ok, but [some other lady] is hotter.” That’s often what I do in my own relationship. If you don’t know who they are talking about, silence is probably your best answer. If someone mentions that they think you are hurt or offended you can say “not at all, I’ve just never seen her so I don’t have an opinion.”
My significant other comments on other good-looking women in my presence too, and at first his friends thought I might be hurt or awkward about it, but over time they figured out that I don’t care, either by asking me or just by observing my reaction. I figure just being my honest self and responding with what I’m actually thinking will be enough. Occasionally if Mr. E or one of his male friends makes a comment I think is a little too derogatory or sexist about another woman I will say “I’m sure she has a lovely personality” and they tend to realize that perhaps they should tone it down, but most of the time I’m taken for one of the guys, and I like it that way.
If in doubt you could always go with, “I’m sure she’s good looking, but probably not as hot as the old spice guy!”
