Dear Miss U,
I’m in love with someone that lives over a thousand miles away, and we won’t be able to meet for 5 years. I know for a fact he is the only person that I will ever love and will ever give me the time of day to love me. Is a 5 year distance relationship…impossible? What’s the longest time for a long time relationship before it becomes too long? We have no way to meet each other other than through Skype as of now. Is that enough, or will he end up moving on because of the length of time?
– Time and Distance.
Dear T&D,
You need to ask him these questions, I can not tell you how long he is willing to wait. I personally know a few successful couples who dealt with five or more years of long distance; some of who, like you, had never met in person. But I know just as many people who would not be willing to wait that long.
You need to know how long is too long for you both personally.
I also see that you are both adults. There’s no reason in five years you can’t both work and save up the necessary money to have a visit if you talk it out and make it a priority.
The important thing is that you both meet each other’s needs within the relationship to the best of your ability. If you are both happy regardless of the distance then five years won’t be insurmountable.
Dear Miss U,
My bf and I met about three years ago. Our relationship started off immediately as long distance, myself living in Europe and him living in the US. We kept it together for more than 2 1/2 years, visiting each other for about a month during Christmas and summer holidays.
We closed the distance in July: he moved to Europe with a one-year visa and we moved in together.
Since then, we have been fighting constantly. Every day, several times a day. Over big things: what to do when his visa expires, finances (which are tight), his inactivity (I feel like he isn’t really looking for a job), his not learning my language, my need for an impeccably clean and tidy apartment, my need to have things done my way… Over small things too: getting curtains or not, getting one or two mattresses, what internet provider to choose… Anything and everything.
We used to be so happy together during these one-month long visits! Obviously, something went wrong in the way we transitioned from LDR to NPR, but I am clueless about what that “something” is. And I know that if we don’t change, we will be breaking up soon because neither of us is happy right know…
Is there a “recommended process” to transition from LDR to NPR that we didn’t follow? Is it your experience that this transition is usually rough?
Is there anything we could do to “smooth it over?”
This website helped us a lot while we were in a LDR; I truly hope you can help us get back on track.
– Fey
Dear Fey,
It’s easy to expect life will be beautiful and perfect once the distance is out of the way, but you’re definitely not alone in experiencing the opposite. There’s no set formula, because all couples are different, but there are a few things you can both do to get a handle on this before it’s too late.
The first of which is to recognize and validate each other’s feelings. As much as you’re probably mighty pissed off at each other right now, try to let that go and think about how the other might feel. He, for example, might be home sick, he might be struggling with the language (and not knowing the language probably limits the jobs he can apply for), he might feel alienated if his only friend there is you and he might feel that things are uneven because he was the one to move and he’s waiting for you to make that worth it (Which I’m not saying is fair, but it’s a common emotion in the person who has moved if they find themselves unhappy in their new country). Meanwhile you are probably feeling taken for granted if you’re working to support both of you and you don’t even get to come home to a clean house. Talk (or write) to each other and get a grip on the other person’s emotional climate. There is a huge risk something he will say will hurt your feelings, or vice versa, but you need to go into this exercise realizing this isn’t about that. You’re not trying to hurt each other, but to get past this you do need to know where the other stands, so agree to accept what each other says without becoming angry or taking it personally.
Because he’s unemployed I’m willing to bet you are seeing way too much of each other too. Living with unemployed people can be a real drain on your patience, because they are always there, often making a mess and you can never truly relax in solitude. It can lead them into depression too if they are not getting out of the house enough. Perhaps there is an inexpensive way he can give you some time to unwind a couple of times a week? Examples of places he could go would be the library, free-roll poker, free public events/shows/concerts, or he could even just take his laptop or a book to a nearby café for an hour. Have you ever heard the saying “How can I miss you if you don’t go away?”
Ok, let’s look at your arguments. You’re fighting a lot. That tells me two things: you need to pick your battles better and lower your standards.
To pick your battles, before a scathing remark comes out from between your lips, ask yourself if it really matters. Is this a deal breaking issue or is it just annoying because there are so many other issues that are compounding right now? Mr. E does a lot of things that really aggravate me, for example: he leaves skid marks on the side of the toilet bowl and he never puts his dirty clothes in the basket. I’ve asked him I don’t even know how many times to do these simple things, but it doesn’t happen. And you know what? It’s both faster and less stressful for me if I just do them myself. It takes me maybe 30 seconds per task, while if I take it up with him again I can say goodbye to twenty minutes and then we’re both going to be upset. It’s not a battle worth fighting. Of course there are going to be things you really can’t live with, but at least some of those battles can wait a while. Deal with them sometime later when you’re not already at each other’s throats.
Secondly, lower your standards. You’re never going to have a pristine house when you live with other people. Personally, I absolutely hate the way Mr. E does the dishes. I abhor it. If I think about it too long it will send me into a fit of rage, and no I’m not kidding. I also know one in five loads of laundry are going to come out fluffy because he “didn’t notice” that towel he put in there. But I don’t want to do everything myself, so I overlook the imperfections in his work. Sometimes it has to be enough that you’re getting help at all, and honestly people are more likely to pull their own weight if they feel appreciated and less likely if they are going to get in trouble regardless of if they do it or not. Wouldn’t you rather be chewed out for something you didn’t do than to be told your effort wasn’t good enough?
Sometimes even though we mean the work wasn’t good enough, the other person will hear, “You’re not good enough,” and then it gets messy. Another important, but irritating, thing to note is that he truly does not see the exact same thing you see. Our perceptions are not the same. To him it still looks clean long after it’s been grungy in your opinion. You can, in some instances, show him what to look for to help him recognize dirty from clean, but in other instances you are going to have to tell him that something is dirty, because no matter how much we wish they could see that these things need to be done they don’t get it.
For example, one time Mr. E and I were lying in bed. I looked at his bedside table and there was so much dust on it that there were clean shiny fingerprints on the lamp where the dust was disturbed. I pointed it out to him in horror and he said, “That’s because it’s a touch lamp,” as though the problem laid in the disturbance of the dust rather than the filth itself.
Another thing you can both implement starting now is showing your gratitude for the things that are going well. Even though Mr. E lives here and I expect him to carry his own weight, I still thank him for doing the dishes, I let him know I noticed the load of laundry he hung on the line, I’ll say, “Hey, that looks really good,” when I see he’s vacuumed the carpet. People like their work to be recognized. They enjoy praise. Each night, the person who didn’t cook thanks the person who did. If we both cooked together, we still thank each other, or point out something the other did particularly well. At the end of the evening we will tell each other that we enjoyed playing games together, or say we’re glad we could share that new TV series. It sounds lame, and a little bit Brady-bunch, but it goes a long way towards neither of us feeling like we’re taken for granted. Start focusing on the good things.
And lastly, find ways to have fun together. I know having fun on a budget is challenging, but it’s a must. I personally believe that keeping the fun in a relationship is as high a priority as maintaining a healthy sex life. If you’re not having fun together it can be hard to remember why you like each other at all, so do something, preferably out of the house. Geo-cashing might be the place to start. It’s free, it’s a good team-work exercise and it will get you out of the house.
The big issues, like what to do after his visa expires, are still going to be there, but they will seem less daunting when you’re not already at odds. If you can spare the time, drop those issues for a month and focus on repairing what you have now instead of focusing on a future you won’t have if you don’t.
To re-cap, the steps you can take are:
- Understand each other’s perspective, even if you don’t agree.
- Make sure each of you has “me time” alone in the house a couple of times a week.
- Pick your battles.
- Lower your standards.
- Look for the positives and show gratitude.
- Bring the fun back into your relationship.
I hope that you share this letter with him and that you can work as a team on these steps. If each of you go into a relationship expecting to put in 75% of the work, neither of you will find yourselves disappointed.
