Dear Miss U,
My bf and I have been in a LDR for half a year now because I’m on an exchange program – we video call each other every day, text each other whenever we can, he’s really sweet and supportive.
So, the guy that I cheated with is one of the instructors. Although he’s around 20 years older than me, I’ve fancied him since the first day we met. It’s not because of his physical appearance (not extremely good looking anyway), but I was attracted to his knowledge – he’s taught me a lot, told me things that I never knew… I was so inspired by him.
Yesterday, we went out for drinks (with other students and instructors as well), but we were the last ones to leave, and I ended up sleeping with him…
I know I can’t blame anyone because deep inside I knew that I was attracted to him since the first day – and I’ve always had fantasies about being with him.
But right now, I feel horrible… after all that, I feel like I’ve made the worst decision of my life. I want us to go back to the “teacher/student” relationship, I feel nervous when I see him around, I don’t know how to react…
What’s worse, is that my bf have always been so loving and sweet – this makes me feel even guiltier, I really shouldn’t have done it…
What should I do next? It’s like one of my fantasies came true but it’s not what I’ve expected at all. I feel so dumb for not thinking about the consequences… This guilt is killing me…
– Em
ps. I don’t plan to tell my bf, because I don’t want to hurt him.
Dear Em,
I’m glad you’re not planning to tell your boyfriend. This is your mistake, your guilt to bear. Confessing it only shares some of your misery, and he doesn’t deserve that. I think at this point, what you do is learn from your mistake and don’t do it again. You now know that if you put yourself in a tempting situation you’re not strong enough to back out. Thus, you make sure you don’t put yourself in those situations. Right now, you make yourself a promise that if you ever cheat on him again, you will leave him. Because he deserves better, because you know better, and because the second time you can’t tell yourself it was a mistake.
Maybe I’m just old, but I think at some point everyone cheats. Not always for the same reasons or with the same outcomes, but I do think it is a lesson many people have to learn the hard way and a symptom of greater problems for others.
Chalk it up to life experience, suffer your consequences gracefully and move on. What else can you do?
Dear Miss U,
My high school sweetheart we grew up in a small town and both moved away to go to college he recently dropped out because of a DUI and I moved to Medford, Oregon. It seems that we fight a lot when we are apart but when we are together it’s PERFECTION. He prefers me to not go out so I don’t meet someone else and jeopardies our relationship. We are both veryyyyyyyyyyy jealous. I know it’s a bad thing but we can’t help it. We plan on moving in together this December. He is expecting me to give up everything move to him and start school all over again just for us, and I will but it’s not fair he is not giving anything up. I’m so nervous. I don’t want to push him either but he is sick of being long distance he says and doesn’t want to be together if he has to do long distance for another semester. We are constantly talk about marriages and babies we both want it in time. I want kids soon and he says we should wait…well last weekend he decided on his own we should try for a baby. How should I be feeling? Should we wait? Is it a positive thing? Do you think we are crazy? I’m confused and lost. I do love him though with my whole heart I’ve never felt this way even with an ex I was with for 3 years. Are we pushing things to quickly?
– Young & Naïve
Dear Young & Naïve,
It takes nine months to gestate a baby. You’ve been together less than that. This should tell you something.
From reading your letter I’m very worried that this relationship is not the best thing for you, and here’s why:
- He’s dropped out of college, but instead of moving to you expects you to give up your education and move to him.
- Instead of supporting your future career and dreams, he’s pressuring you to give up the progress you have made and start over – or give up entirely for the next few years if you do have a baby.
- You have given up your social life through pressure from him, for fear of jeopardizing the relationship, and yet unless you lock yourself in the house forever, you’re inevitably going to meet new people. Lots of people meet and fall in love at college, at work, at birthday parties or weddings they are attending for same-gendered friends, and even at crazier places like the supermarket or the bus stop. You can’t avoid it and no one has the right to curtail your freedom because they don’t trust you. No one has the right to choose your friends.
- He is expecting you to give up everything, with no sacrifice of his own, and apparently has no issue with that.
- He wants to start trying for a baby that will change you forever, that you’ll be left holding if he decides this is all too hard and that neither of you have the finances to support because neither of you have completed post-secondary education.
It looks very bad, as I’m sure you can see. If he can’t handle another semester of distance, he should move to you. Or you could discuss transferring schools so that you don’t lose the progress you have made. About kids, well I sympathize with you. I wanted kids when I was 18 too. I wanted them so very badly. I got a kitten instead and then in my late twenties when I finally had my first child I sighed in relief about two things: That I didn’t have children with the guy I was with when I was 18, and that I was older and had better coping skills and more life experience than I did at 18.
Everyone is willing to tell you how hard it is having kids. How hard pregnancy and birth can be. Everyone will say that it changes you, that it’s sacrifice, that it’s the hardest but best thing you’ll ever do. But all these words, they don’t mean anything. You’re never going to get it until it’s too late to back out. You don’t understand “hard” until it’s 3am and your nipple is bleeding, the baby is crying so loud you can’t hear yourself think, your partner is yelling at you and you’re yelling back because neither of you really have a clue about what you’re doing and the only reason you have not smothered this child with a pillow is because you have a healthy fear of the law. And somehow when the screaming stops from all parties, the love still needs to be there – which honestly is easier said than done.
People will say to you, “wait to have babies, enjoy your youth, you won’t be able to party anymore…” and you’ll probably say the things I did “I don’t party anyway, I don’t want that lifestyle.” There are a lot of things you can’t do after having a baby, and partying is at the bottom of the list in importance. All you will really want is for your SO to vacuum the floor, bring you a cup of tea and to be able to shower alone without hearing any crying. You’ll want to eat your meal while it’s still warm. You’ll want to leave the house without smelling like baby vomit. Hell, you’ll want to leave the house! (Some days it’s simply too hard.) Sometimes it’s nice just to be responsible just for yourself, not a tiny life that needs you to provide for it the best you can.
It’s great to have dreams. But it’s better to live those dreams after you lay down the foundation for success. Make sure you have the resources to live comfortably, to provide your family with food, shelter, and medical. Have training you can both fall back on so that if one of you can’t support the family (illness, injury, long-term unemployment) the other can. Be complete in yourself, have a life that if yours outside of the interests of your partner, so that you never feel you need another person there to make you whole. And do your research. Learn about pregnancy, birth and parenting so when you get there you can make the best choices for yourself and your child.
Remember, if you love each other and you have a lifetime together in your future then there is no need to rush into things right now.
