Hello,
I’m 18 years old and I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for two years now. We grew up and went to high school together back home in Kuwait, where we built our lives around each other. Now we’ve both moved to the US to start college- I’m in Connecticut and she’s in New York. I’m been in love with this girl consistently for three years, and now for the first time I feel like I might be falling out of love. It’s really tearing me up. I’ve been going through really bad depression ever since I started feeling this way and I’ve been having a lot of anxiety attacks which I’ve never experienced before. The thought of me not loving her makes me sick. I really want to love this girl again and I don’t want to give up on this relationship. I’ve talked to my girlfriend about it and she’s understanding about it but she’s obviously very upset about it. At first we tried taking a break, but that really didn’t work for me. I didn’t miss her but I was scared that a break would make me forget about her and possibly me move on. But I don’t want that to happen. At first I thought I was going through depression because of adjusting to a new country and lifestyle and that was causing me to lack emotion for her, but now I think that it’s me possibly falling out of love that is triggering this depression. I really want to feel the same way I used to about this girl, and I don’t want breaking up to be an option. Your advice would really mean a lot to me.
~ Omar
Dear Omar,
I won’t say this happens in all relationships, but it happens to a lot of us at some point. Some people would call it the third-year-hump others would say you’ve reached the end of the honeymoon period. Or you might very well have fallen out of love. But if you fell in love once, there’s absolutely no reason you can’t fall in love with her all over again.
Being an all-or-nothing person myself, I recommend planning a romantic get-away together, even just a weekend. Instead of simply visiting each other go somewhere exciting and do something you’ll both find fun. I feel that fun is that spark that helps us remember why we love a person. Fun and cuddling – fun to release endorphins, cuddling to stimulate the love hormone oxytocin. This might be the kick your heart needs to reboot.
Sometimes love is a choice. You decide you love someone, you treat them with love, you build your life with them (though not necessarily around them) and you rest on the knowledge that you’re a team. You want what is best for that person, and you’re comfortable. That alone can build a new lasting kind of love. If intense feelings of being in love never come back, are you going to want to keep sticking it out? Are you giving yourself a time period, after which you will call it quits? I don’t think there is any wrong answer, but it may give you comfort to have made that decision.
When the honeymoon period ends, the way we experience love with our partners changes, is it possible this is happening to you? Do you still feel some love for her, maybe a softer family-style love rather than the heady in-love feeling of before? As our relationships mature, the butterflies tend to die. The mystery and excitement are gone, replaced by real trust, comfort, a sense of security and deep abiding friendship. It’s easy to mistake that lull as a lack of love, and it’s very normal to miss that first-rush of love stage but it is quite normal.
If you don’t want to give up, you don’t have to. Look back at your good memories together and see if either of you have let something slip since the earlier days. Have a visit or that romantic getaway and see if being together in person has the desired effect and if all else fails, try counseling.
Dear Miss U,
I’m 6 months pregnant with my fiancé’s baby… When we found out I was so nervous because we’re both in college and it was not our plan to have a baby yet… He assured me everything would be fine and that he would be there to support me every step of the way.
We have been in a LDR for almost 3 years now and had finally got the chance to close the gap and attend college together. But when we found out about the baby he decided not to join me for school. He said he needed to find a job to support me and the baby…
After 3 months he still hadn’t found a job, or even applied for any, and he suggested the military. We discussed it and I told him that I needed him to be with me and not gone right now, at least until the baby was born. He agreed and two weeks later we got in an argument and the next day he joined the marines without telling me and after everything we discussed.
He stopped calling and texting me unless I bug him about it, even then he’s very short and distant. He’s missed all but one dr appointments.
He still hasn’t been shipped to boot camp and refuses to come be with me until he leaves… I understand he’s scared, but so am I. And I don’t know if I can depend on him anymore… Advice?
~ Growing Alone
Dear Growing Alone,
It sounds like he is having a hard time coming to terms with the ways your lives are about to change and his expectations of himself. He might even be struggling with depression, but because he doesn’t want to make you feel bad he’s not discussing it with you. There’s not a lot you can do other than let him know you’re scared too, reiterate your desire to get through this together and prepare for the worst – going it alone.
Sadly, that’s a reality most women have to be aware of – the chance that our partners will abandon us with our offspring for whatever reason. Statistically at least, it’s much less likely to go the other way.
I recommend making a plan that assumes you can’t depend on him. Look at your resources and your options. Do you have other support from family or friends? Will it be possible for you to continue studying (maybe part time, or doing some modules via distance) after the baby comes? Do you have savings in case the financial support he’s promised never materializes? Start asking questions and building a support network with other mothers due at the same time as yourself.
Other practical things you can do is be prepared for the first few weeks of the baby being home, especially if the support you have is minimal. Cook and freeze a bunch of meals in advance because you’ll desperately need the nutrition and you likely won’t have the inclination to cook even if you do have the time. Perhaps you can budget a little money for a house keeper to come once a week for the first month to help you not stress over the housework while you recover from the birth and get in a routine with your little one. Also invest in a good sling or baby carrier so that you can still get things done once the baby arrives.
Though the situation isn’t ideal, and is causing some strife in your relationship, I still want to say congratulations. I hope good fortune follows you on your pregnancy and parenting journey.
