Hi Miss U,
I am in a long distance relationship. We met on a blogging site called EP and since then we have talked every day. We love each other dearly, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I was single for six years before I found this hidden diamond. Anyways everything is going great all things considered. I live in Utah and he lives in Florida and we have met 2 going on three times. I am curious though, how often should internet sex be happening? I could go without it way more than him, seems like he is always wanting to do it and me I just feel strange on the internet I guess. I want to do it for him, but sometimes I just feel like I am not giving him satisfaction enough so I wanted to know how often is considered healthy? How much is too much? What is reasonable? I know these answers are subjective depending on the people involved, but considering that I have a lower internet sex drive how much should I push myself to satisfy him? I am cautious because I once pushed myself too far in the past and felt resentful. It wasn’t with a long distance relationship, but it effected my emotional view of the relationship, I started to feel more rebellious.
Thanks for the help.
Chan.
Dear Chan,
How much is too much to you, how much is not enough for him, and where is the halfway mark? It’s great to know each other’s needs and expectations, even if that means you need to have a little awkward conversation to get there. Sometimes, it’s as easy as compromising. In any relationship there’s going to be a little bit of sex you didn’t want, just as there will be no sex some days when you can really think of nothing else; but I don’t need to tell you this. It’s obvious you’re pretty realistic about the whole situation.
Honestly, I don’t know what the averages are for how much internet sex people are having, but that’s not really important because you don’t have to live up (or down) to the standard other people set for their relationships – you just need to find what makes you both happy.
Perhaps, seeming the amount of internet sex he seems to want is higher, you could gently point him in the direction of pornography and he can take care of himself a couple of nights a week. If porn makes you uncomfortable, you could try making your own for him (Though it’s always best to keep your face and any identifying marks off screen just in case things get nasty between you in five years’ time.) or sharing some erotic literature instead if you’re both into that. If you’re aroused but you’re just uncomfortable over the internet, could some of your sessions become phone sex instead? (You can get handsets that plug into your computer if using an actual phone isn’t a viable option) If you don’t want to masturbate it could be fun to put on a little show for him instead. You could invite him to watch you having a sensual bath or you could put on a strip tease, for example.
Be honest and talk it out; making love in whatever medium shouldn’t be a chore. His satisfaction is not your sole responsibility (unless of course you refuse to let him take care of his needs without you there) and it doesn’t make you a bad partner if you want to do it less.
Dear Miss U,
I really do love him but I think it would be for the best if we took a break. He lives in England and I live in Ireland, I know it’s not the furthest distance but it’s just so hard. I think it would be best for us if we took a break for a while, until things settled down a bit – I know my mum would have a problem with him being 3 years older than me. I hate not telling my family about the relationship in fear that my mum wouldn’t allow it so I think it would be best to break it off till we are older ( if it’s true love he’d understand right? ) I know it’d be hard on him. I don’t know how to do it though, he tells me every (most) days he loves me and says I saved his life and that I have his heart and it’s honestly put so much pressure on me. I do love him so much but there’s just so much stuff going on right now. It’s the right person, just not the right time……. would should I do?
Thank you,
Emma.
Dear Emma,
Usually I’m against breaks, but in your case it really does sound like that would be what is best. Talk to him, and explain it to him just how you explained it to me. All you can do is talk to him and take it from there. Establish rules for this break so you both know what page you’re on, and perhaps when the time is right you can revisit this relationship.
