Dear Miss U,
I am in a long distance relationship. I live in Ohio and when we met he was in Michigan. His dad made him move out to California. We really both like each other and he is the sweetest guy ever. Since he moved to California, we have not gone one day without talking. He makes me so happy and I tell him all the time. Well we met online technically. Only 3 people know that I told. And I worry about people judging me, especially my parents. How should I go about telling them?? I doubt they will be happy about it but I don’t care. We both like each other but I will eventually need to tell them and I don’t know how to do it. I need some advice! Please help, and thanks.
Samantha
Dear Samantha,
People are always going to judge you. They will judge you on everything you do for the rest of your life. They will unfairly comment on your clothes, hair, career choices, what you name your children and yes, even your relationship. It’s important to learn how to assess what people say to you, take anything of value from their critique and ignore the rest. You can’t avoid judgement, you can’t control other people’s reactions; the best you can do is present your case in the best possible light and hope the people in your life care more about your happiness that their own sense of what normal should be.
How does one go about presenting their case in a favorable light? Firstly, don’t give the impression that you think meeting online is abnormal or wrong in any way. If you sound uncomfortable and guilty you open yourself up for people to exploit that fear. Come from a place of confidence – even if your confidence isn’t truly genuine. Secondly, you’re an adult, so remember that when addressing your parents. You’re not asking for permission, you’re including them in your life, so don’t ask “Is this ok?” say “I want to share my good news/happiness with you.”
It’s early enough in your relationship where you don’t need to make a big confession, like you would if you’d been dating for six months and then decided to let them in on the secret. Instead I recommend dropping his name casually a couple of times. If they ask who he is you can say it’s a guy you’ve just started dating. It depends how you met online, of course, but if you met on a forum you could say “We met through [our shared interest]” or if he’s a friend of a friend’s cousin, you could say “I met him through [person your family knows].” This way you’re not being dishonest, but you’re not making online dating the first thought your parents have about this guy. If your parents don’t ask who he is from your causal name dropping, wait a week or so and then try “Remember how I said I was talking to [name] about [whatever you mentioned the other day]? We’re seeing each other now. He treats me so well, I’m very happy.”
Of course, these conversations don’t always go exactly to plan, but think it through, be as prepared as possible, don’t get defensive and remember that even if their reaction isn’t positive at first it’s likely because they love you and want the best for you. In time once they have the chance to know him, their opinions are likely to come around.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend’s parents are really overprotective and don’t like it when he texts me. He can’t Skype me or call me because of them and we don’t get to have conversations over texts because of them. Also, he spends a lot of time skiing over winter break, which also reduces the amount of time we can spend talking since he’s skiing all day for several days.
I hate not being able to talk to him and I think it’s ridiculous that I’ve reached the point where I miss texting him. It hurts me so much that we can’t communicate.
What can I do?
Maria
Dear Maria,
That is ridiculous, you have my sympathies. I wonder exactly what his parent’s problem is with him speaking to you, and if there’s more he could be doing to get some freedom. He’s nearly an adult!
Sadly, other than trying to talk to them yourself and showing them you’re not a threat, there’s not a lot you can do from your end.
Would he be willing to write letters to you? He could write in the evenings after skiing, and even if he can’t send them right away, they would be nice for you to have when you get lonely. You could also write back. If his parents are likely to disallow you sending him mail, I’m sure he has a friend or reasonable family member who would let you use their address. Could he possibly buy a calling card (you can get great long distance rates on these) and contact you from a public pay phone? Service stations, 7eleven, travel agents, backpacker hostels and some supermarkets stock them, and you can probably also buy them online.
It’s impossible to have a relationship if you’re not in contact, so remind him of that and ask him to find a way to make this work for both of you.
Dear Miss U,
I just want to ask, why he need to change himself. After our graduation, he is not sweet as he is before when we are together. He is not giving that much time, effort. He is not always talking to me, but he always saying he also don’t know what is the reason why he became like that. But I just want him to come back like what he / we used to before. Help 🙁
Keisha
Dear Keisha,
Perhaps he is just too comfortable in the relationship and that is making him lazy. If he knows this is an issue (and it’s obvious you’ve spoken to him about it) and isn’t attempting to fix it, that is a bigger problem.
People do grow and change constantly throughout life, which is why it’s important to never stop courting each other. It’s essential to keep putting that effort in so every day the new you falls in love again with the new him. Ask him if there’s anything you can do to help him want to put in the required effort, impress upon him that you do need more from the relationship and if things still don’t change then you need to ask yourself if this relationship has run it’s course.
