Dear Miss U,
I need help FAST. Please help me. I am very depressed because of this situation and I need help fast! Please get back to this question as soon as possible. Thank you.
Me and my LDR boyfriend have been broken up for a couple of months now. I really want him back, but he has a girlfriend now. He always tells me that she hardly talks to him. Today he told me that she hasn’t talked to him for 6 days straight, not even saying good morning, or goodnight. I want him back more than I ever did before. The only reason that I broke up with him in the first place was because all of my friends made fun of me, and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was the worst thing that I have ever done. He was the only person that I didn’t feel social anxiety around. I hope to meet him in person one day, or send him a gift, but I need him back first. I love, and trust him more than I do my own mother. I know that it sounds stupid, but it’s true. He is the only person on this earth that doesn’t judge me. Please help me. I need him back with me.
– Jessamine
Dear Jessamine,
I do apologize for any delay. When letters come to my desk they all look exactly the same, and I open them from the oldest to the newest because every person who writes to me probably thinks their question is more important than all the others.
I can tell you one thing, and that is that even though you’re reaching a stage where you probably don’t see eye to eye with your mother she’s likely the only one on earth who would willingly die for you. She would give up anything for you. Her heart breaks when she sees you hurt, she nearly bursts with pride every time you succeed. There really is no force on earth that matches the love a parent feels for their child, but until that time comes where you have your own, you’ll probably just think I’m old and stupid. My point is – She would give her life for you, this boy wouldn’t. You might think he cares more and understands more than your family but that’s an easy illusion to hold on to for a person you’ve never met and have known only a little while. I don’t want to be rough with you because I realize you are very young, but if you’re going to enter into the world of dating, you need to keep a bowl of reality by your side and sprinkle it over everything before you take a bite.
In the meantime, be patient. It is statistically highly unlikely that he’s going to stay with this other girl forever; and his assertion that she never speaks to him only adds to my belief this relationship of theirs won’t be long lived. Continue being his best friend, and you’ll still be there when his time with her is done.
Lastly, you don’t need him. You don’t need any man. You are complete and wonderful all by yourself, and if you don’t believe that is true, take some time away from dating to work on yourself. A romantic partner is not the icing on your cake, it’s the ice cream on the side. Find someone you pair well with, but if you can’t hold your own by yourself look inward instead of trying to find someone that will make you palatable.
Dear Miss U,
I met my Chinese boyfriend two years ago during a short-term study program in China. We had a long-distance relationship for two years, where I was in China for six months but not in the same city as my boyfriend. Recently, I flew to his city to meet him. He had said for months that we would meet his parents and they were very excited to meet me. I was very happy to see him again and be able to speak to him well in Chinese. However, then his parents called and said they like me, but I am American so it would not work well. Thus, they did not want to meet me. I think they want him to get married soon because he is four years older than I am. I am confused about why this happened, because I thought he really liked me and his parents wanted to meet me. Could you offer possible insights into this situation? Thank you very much for your time.
– Confused in China
Dear CiC,
There are many cultures with strong traditions that exclude foreigners. Whilst I have not extensively studied Chinese culture, I have known people to have similar experiences to yours, where traditional families could not get past a superficial difference between themselves and a prospective mate for one of their family members. Sometimes this is a religious issue, sometimes people exclude others based on race, or sexuality. At its heart, it’s a tightly held form of discrimination that many people still hold to and find acceptable. His parents might like you fine as a person, but not as a potential spouse for their son. It is completely unfair for them to judge you without knowing you, but it certainly isn’t unheard of anywhere in the world. Some cultures also hold the rights of parents to such a high standard where if the parents did not approve of a match, they would break off contact no matter how much they loved their significant other. It’s sad, infuriating, and in no way makes this ok, but that is my best guess as to what has happened here. I’m sorry he wasted so much of your time and has left you heart broken. I don’t think he likes you any less, and that everything he said to you was real at the time he said it, but that he doesn’t feel able to rebel against his parent’s opinions and desires.
