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He doesn’t make the effort to see me
August 5, 2008
I’ve been in a long distance relationship for a year; he says he loves me; he says he’s miserable when I’m away; a mutual good friend of ours who’s there with him he is crazy about me. However, I feel I’ve made all the effort — he hasn’t made the effort to come see me and it seems like I do most of the calling. Now, in his defense, where he lives is my hometown and it is much easier and convenient for me to go there but I would think if he was truly interested he would have made the effort/would make more of an effort. When we are together it’s wonderful. How do I know if he’s really interested and it’s worth the effort?????
Yolanda
Michelle says…
Yolanda, I know exactly where you’re coming from. Let me explain… So Frank went to school in NY, 12 hours from my home in ME. I go to school in Maine but can live at home because my university is a 25 minute drive away and I commute. Frank however was 6+ hours away from his home in MA. So in our situation, I’m the one that did the traveling to go see him most of the time to his home in MA and to his school in NY. This was because when he’d go home during his breaks from school, he’d want to spend it with his family, and it wouldn’t be right to make him choose between coming to visit me over spending time with his family that he had been away from for months. I also took the bus, which is more convenient than traveling the whole way in my own vehicle since I was able to sleep and relax (when obnoxious people/creepy people weren’t being a distraction).
There were times where I would get upset that he didn’t come up to see me more often. I hate traveling on the bus. And I had the same thoughts that he wasn’t putting in the same effort as me. My family would even mention how they never saw him and made notice that it seemed that I was the only one making an effort to see him. I had to remind both them and myself his situation. I got to spend a lot of time with my family, and he didn’t, and I wouldn’t feel right to take that away from him. It was definitely more convenient for me to travel than for him to.
Though less frequent than me, Frank still made the effort to see me as often as he could on his longer breaks and during the summer when he wasn’t in school
Now in your situation, I understand both sides. Your boyfriend probably thinks it would be an unnecessary hassle for him to go see you when you could just go see him since he lives in your hometown where presumably you can visit your family and him at the same time. I don’t believe that this means he doesn’t care about you or isn’t interested in you. He has probably gotten used to you coming to see him, so he thinks “why change?” So that on top of it being easier and convenient, it’s hard for him to understand why he should travel. This goes for his infrequent calling as well. You say that you do most of the calling, but by now, he probably expects this of you, and doesn’t bother calling because he knows you’ll call when you’re ready to talk.
Most certainly, you should express your feelings about this with him without accusing him of being uninterested in you. As convenient has his situation is, by living in your hometown, he still should show some effort. Suggest that he at least go to see you x number of times, less frequent than your trips to see him, but enough to make you feel satisfied that he is putting in the effort. Another option is to suggest that he help pay for you to see him, whether it be to pay for half your gas, or half your plane ticket. That way he can at least put in some effort to see you without necessarily making the trip himself. This could be a compromise.
If he doesn’t make either compromise then you can begin to assume that he does not want to make the extra effort to be with you.
However, from what you said, he does sound interested in you and he does sound like he cares about you. He may just be set in his ways and used to the good treatment you give him and doesn’t see why anything should change, especially where he has it so easy.
Michelle
Frank says…
I can see his point of how it is easier for you to travel to your hometown. However, I believe that the travel to each other’s house has to be split. I know I would be very upset if I was the one doing all the driving, or flying, to go see Michelle, and I am sure she feels the same way as she did a good amount of traveling so we could see each other.
Now, when you are traveling to see him, I hope you two share the cost of the travel evenly. If you are doing the traveling, and spending the money, that is not fair either. You are in the relationship together, so you should handle the costs together. If you split the price, I see no honest reason why your boyfriend can not visit you.
Speak to him. Let him know that you feel that he can say he loves you and is crazy about you all he wants. Until he makes a visible, physical effort to see you at your house, you can not feel that he totally loves you. Poets write of love making you travel hundreds of miles by foot to see the one they adore. He doesn’t have to walk, but he really has to come see you. Even for a few days. That little effort will probably mean everything to you, and you will know that he really does care and is worth the effort. Be straightforward when talking to him, but not too harsh when telling him your problem. I think this will help you in getting him to come.
Frank
Comments 15
I wasted so much of my valuable time with guys not willing to visit me.
1) I would pay and travel 2 hours every two weeks for 6 years. There are reasons, (I live at home rent free and a student, he lives in a nice area and has an apartment to pay for). But the time and cost resulted in me not having enough money for little/basic things for myself. It started to add up. Before him I took great care of myself, hair/makeup/clothes. Then I spend money (and time…get exhausted after 6 years) on travel, doing activities he likes (movies, restaurant, dancing, etc) that I had not much left for beauty, so that started to slip and he dumped me because I was not keeping myself looking super nice with nails, perfect hair,…. Ha! He had lots of time/money to take care of himself and I was catering to him! That's why.
2) Another guy calls all the time. We talk. But the convo is ALWAYS me visit him. Never him visit me. Me move to him. Me leave school and work here. Go find school and work there. When I'm good here. He has work that can be done here too, I cannot. Double standards.
I think (usually) women are too agreeable and we need assistance in learning how to stand up and say no. No can be for whatever reason. We don't want to. It is not fair. It is a red flag. Anything. Also, how to end relationships so we don't get sucked down by these unfair people.
I’ve been seeing my significant other for over 5 years. He lives 45 minutes away and I travel every weekend to see him. He never comes to my house. I have to pack all my stuff, the dog’s stuff and make the trip. Then a unload my stuff and carry it in the house. When it’s time to leave I have to pack it all back up and come home.
I just can’t do it every weekend anymore. When I told him I couldn’t come every weekend he said he understood. But he’s not called me since. I didn’t break things off, I just told him I couldn’t do it every weekend any more. I have no time for myself or to do the things I want to do. I guess he’s done. He does have a my way or the highway attitude.
My bf of 3 yrs lives in the UK. And in the beginning he said he would visit but i was also in the middle if a divorce when we met. Since the divorce has been finalized he has gone back and said he doesn't want to visit me anymore that i have to visit him, not only that move over there all in one go. Here's the big twist i have 2 kids that absolutely adore him already call him dad. Love him to pieces. So Instead of us meeting first, the discuss moving. He just wants us to drop everything in america and move over there. I love him and he loves me. He talks about marrying me all the time and loves my kids as they are his own. But will never visit me. Im just frustrated with it all.
I've let a man rule my emotions for nearly 16 years now, he only lives an hour away so it's not long distance. I don't have a car or the income to travel to see him. So I rely on him to come and see me but he's always and i do mean ALWAYS busy. He has a high powered job and two daughters who have left home but he feels an obligation to be there for them. Fair enough but he chooses them over seeing me every time he has a spare weekend.
He never sends a card or gift for my birthday or valentine Xmas etc And never knows when he can come, he constantly says he has to find out about work commitments. I've seen him about six times in 16 years. He says he wants to make a go of things but I now know he doesn't mean it as the actions don't show it. Anyway we can't when we don't meet.
We text and message but it's not enough. He likes to talk sexually a lot and I know he fancies me but we can't get to know each other well enough for more than the superficial, although I think I've fallen for him. I'm 59 and should know better. I have gone on other dates but seem to be hanging on to something that's never going to go anywhere. But I am ending it now. it is so hard after such a long time of being connected to someone for so long, even if it's in a non committal way from his side, it doesn't help that I have just moved and have no friends and dont go out socially. Even though I am friendly, I am stuck in my ways. And in winter it's hard to be motivated.
I know I need to change my reliance on these miniscual moments of hope so that I am not as reliant on this man who doesnt seek the same and only wants a meaningless fun type relationship.
We all deserve to get what we need and want in any relationship. So we can value ourselves and not feel we have take the 'scraps' in life.
Sometimes we think that a scrap is better than nothing but I'm really not sure that it is…………it just makes us feel we aren't worthy in life.
I just broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. He lives 1 hour and 30 minutes from me (or 100 miles). He has graduated college, but I still have two years left. His brother just moved in with him too, and he dog is a giant hassle to be around. On top of all of this, his parents do not like me because I am younger than him by 7 years. Anyways, he job requires to be up early and to manual labor outside in 100+ degree weather. He is usually beat when he gets home, but texts me a little bit if he thinks about it. He says he only wants to see me when there is a free weekend, which I am fine with, but this means that I would not be able to see him for over one month. If this was a super LDR, then I would be more understanding, but an hour and a half drive is not hard to do for one day. I have done it for him, and I want him to do that same for me; but, he says he will be too tired to do so and that it would be an inconvenience. Everything was great before he moved away for work, and now not seeing him and me putting in all the effort to drive down every weekend to see him is frustrating. My family lives in the same city as he does, so I saw them too, but I want him to come see me. I know he's trying, but he's choosing not to see me and hanging out with friends instead. He plans everything first and then squeezes me in to the best slot he has available. He says he's not meaning to do that, but his actions are giving off that impression. Did I make the right decision? We have been fighting for months, and I have not gone a weekend without crying. I love and miss him, and this breakup is very hard, but he understands why I did it. He does not need to see me. Calling and texting can hold him over long enough to see me. He has free days but does not come down to see me. I want someone who can do that. He said he could try, but he said it would be an inconvenience. Help.
I am 65 year old woman, in great shape mentally and physically. I met a 64 year old man two months ago on a dating site. He too is in great shape mentally and physically. We quickly took it to phone calls. We've been talking since 6/27 /17 every day hundreds of hours to date. He says he loves me wants to make me his wife. Continues to tell me he wants to court me when he get all his chores around his places done before winter. He lives less than 200 miles away from me. He says he loves me and will definately make me his wife after a short courtship. But yet, he still has not made time to drive the 3 hours to meet me. He has very good transportation to do so. Please, any mature feed back would be helpful.
I have met this man about four years ago .we spend time with each other for about one year. I had to return to the west coast .we stayed in content for a few months then know content at all so one day I was on Facebook i had have a message and it was him the guy. I left the place were we met cause my family need me at the time and I told him . he seem so happy to hear from me so we started talk everyday on the phone send pic texts up until now.something jus not right .he calls every two days sometime not a all .i text him it takes him maybe two or three days to text back or if he call me it's very short .but this the man that tells me that he miss me and he wants a life time he's stable now and ready for a relationship. So me I agree to be that woman .the only problem is that he lives in the east coast and I'm still in the west coast. But I'm Willy to move closer to him .but I need to no if he really want me in his life .i told him to come here to the west coast he tell me he will think about it …so say to him I will come to see u we go half and half he say ok now I don't hear from him .every time I ask him to help on the trip for me to visit he jus stop everything text call .and every time he ask me for something I make my business to accommodate him whatever he ask of me like nude pics .please tell what to do i really like him.long distance love
PLEASE HELP ME 🙁
my boyfriend lives 6000km away from me and we just see each other at summer in our hometown. So we didn't talk for a week because there were a struggle but all good now. He's coming with his friends to the netherlands for 5 days. And the netherlands are 2 hours away from me.So when he told me that he's coming with his friends I was shooked. I asked him if he wants to meet me because we didn't saw each other since summer. He said I don't know because I don't want to destroy the plans my friends made! So at this moment I get mad becaue how could you do that? I mean 2 hours away 200miles and not 6000 miles! This is so dumb. I asked him if he still wants us to be together and he said of course. I shouldn't act like that but let him enjoy his vacay. For real I can't understand this.. Can somebody help me please? I'm freaking out.. I mean when you love someone and you are in a long distance relationship and didn't see each other since summer why do you act like that?
what happened at the end? are you guys still together? I'm in a similar situation..
So I have been with my boyfriend for a few months now and I just recently moved 2 hrs away from him. He currently doesn't have a car anymore and I just don't know what to do, I'm trying to be patient, we even looked at bus routes for him to come and it was like craziness of 26 hrs and something which is ridiculous so he is trying but it's just not enough. Do I continue to be paitent because I do love him but it seems like my guy friends put more into seeing me than my own Man??? Help 🙁 please .
Hi,
I am in a long distance romance two years, but my guy wants me to come out to be with him but I can't right now. I thought over the summer I would be able to go, but I could not because of work, I am a Lawyer I am swamp with a lot of work. Now he tells me if I do not give a date when I am coming he does not want to speak to me on the phone or no texting or emails. He says he is tired of online and he wants a real relationship and not on the phone. He thinks I am fine with this I am not. But I tell him to be patience. I love him I do not want to give him a date and then I would not be able to make it. I think that a immature way of handling things. He called the other night he only spoke to me for 10 minutes. We are in different countries and I notice he is limited the time now when he speak to me. we went from speaking a couple times a day every day. To barely speaking now, so I have been reconnecting with friends and going out to Plays, dinners with friends. So he said to me I am doing fine without him. He tells me how much he loves me and misses me. It difficult for him to come here because of visas it would take a long time it easier for me to go to him. I don't know what to make out of this?
Ladies…please read "He's Just Not That Into You". It is a very insightful book that helped me years ago. I don't know why we as woman always try to figure out these men who blow us off and don't treat us well. The truth is right there yet, we don't want to hear it. We would rather try and pick their brains and dissect every phone call. Once you realize you are worth much more than the crumbs someone is giving you, you will be the one to blow those type of men off and chose someone who will respect you and treat you how you REALLY want to be treated. 🙂
I'm in the same situation .
I met a guy through a date site and it was last yr in may I have visited hI'm
Four times in 10 months we been together I also bought him four roundtrip tickets in which he never got on.
They were non refundable he has once visited me .
So should I assume he not interested in me.
I AGREE WITH YOU PAUL.
sorry dude is a waste of your time, a real man goes to get his woman.