Dear Miss U,
Me and my crush live 1500 miles away. Well we met at school in UK, where I go almost every month for couple of days and stay at boarding school. Now it’s about 1.5 year since we first met, and about 1 year when he asked me if I want to grab a cup of hot chocolate in town (we can pretend it was our first date). So since we first met 1.5 year ago, we keep in touch: chat on Facebook when we have time (every 2 weeks), Skype call (if we have special occasions like New Year) and we wrote each other a letter through the summer. Also we spend time together when I’m in UK (it’s cuddling, watching films since it’s boarding school and grabbing hot chocolate in town). Everyone in that school thinks that we’re going out, but we’re not, also we haven’t spoken about our feelings nor mentioned that we’re friends. I don’t know what we are. We write ‘xxxxxxxxx’ in our every message on Facebook, and we use ‘<3'when we're saying our goodbyes... I miss him so much, and he writes me the same. Today I finally admitted for myself that I fell hard for him, but I don't know how he feels. I have no idea if I should live my life at home since here are a lot of guys that fancies me (and I don't). I'm going to move to UK after the summer and we both are turning 16 in two months... It's so hard to live so far from each other and no one understands me because 'it's not a long distance relationship, stop complaining about it'. I hope that you are going to help me 🙂 )) ~ Teenager
Dear Teenager,
Do you really need to know how he feels right now, or can you just enjoy this for what it is without shaking the apple tree? Because right now it seems like you have a beautiful thing; a beautiful unnamed thing. I had a beautiful unnamed thing myself once, when I was younger, before society started telling me I needed labels for my relationships, or before life started demanding some sense of stability. And it was exciting! I thought he felt the same as I did, but I could never really be sure, and that kept me on my toes. I loved the thrill of the chase, I loved how things between us didn’t get old and boring because we took everything so slowly. Every little touch, every letter, every call was so much more thrilling.
It’s easy to get comfortable and then lazy when a relationship is clearly defined, but before then I feel like couples try harder. They give their best, they get a little vulnerable, they remember to bring flowers or chocolate… they remember to shave because they are still trying to impress you. It’s a beautiful thing.
You don’t need to be in an official committed relationship to miss each other or for some days to be hard and you want to complain. You don’t need to over think this either. The time will come when one of you will want to define the relationship better, or when one of you can’t hold the feelings in any more and confesses; these things come naturally. My best advice is to have fun, enjoy the ride, make the best of it and just see where it takes you.
Dear Miss U,
In 2010, I met a boy who I never really thought would become my boyfriend. We met at school (a school for children of military & gov’t personnel). We became best friends from the start. Everyone said we’d end up together and they were right. In June 2011, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Having been so young, we didn’t really understand what it meant to be in a relationship, we also had to hide from our parents. Of course, they made us split up. In June 2013 (coincidentally) we reconnected. It has been 7 months since we’ve been back together. I’m so scared though. I really do love him. The relationship we have is indescribable. He truly is my best friend. I know there’s not a great chance of this lasting so long, but I want to love it while it does. How do I make the most out of my first love and stop worrying so much? Is there any hope for us?
~ A Wishful Teen
Dear Teen,
Of course there is hope for you! There are some really wonderful love stories out there that are so touching and fairy-tale like but are in fact the lives of regular boring people like you and I. The vast majority of relationships might end or survive in a land of mediocrity, but that’s no reason to assume yours can’t be fantastic, so give it all you’ve got. How to stop worrying is harder. Some people are more prone to worry than others, but if you’re not naturally laid back you can work towards that by being conscious of your thoughts and words. Think and speak positively. If you start to fret over things you can not control, acknowledge that is what you’re doing and make an effort to stop. Distract yourself or chose something more positive to focus on. It will become easier with practice.
By all means, be realistic and talk to him about back-up plans for if things go wrong, how you’ll overcome obstacles, how you’d solve hypothetical problems in the relationship and such but remember not to borrow trouble from tomorrow or from other people’s experience. Live your life, and let it be beautiful.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve been dating this guy for about 5 months now. He’d been after me all summer last year, but I kept turning him down because I was getting over a breakup. He was very persistent until I finally allowed myself to give in and go out with him. There’s one problem though… He lives 3 hours away.
I’ve done a LDR before and was fine with it. This time though it’s a little different. We have a stronger connection and I feel different with him.
The other day I was doing a school project, making a list of what qualities I want my Mr. Right to have. I mentioned it to him and he asked how many qualities he has on my list. When I was done, I compared him to it and he was spot on with it except for two things.
1. He won’t call me. He’s afraid that it’ll be awkward and he doesn’t want to sound stupid. I’ve told him countless times that it’ll be alright, but he’s still nervous about it.
2. He won’t come see me. I always have to go see him. Now I don’t really think that 3 hours is too much. I think its rather close. He hasn’t given me any good reasons as to why he won’t and it honestly makes me sad. Every time I go visit him we spend every waking moment together.
I would really like a call sometimes, and a visit for at least a day if he would be willing to make the drive. How to I convince him that a phone call isn’t as scary as he’s thinks? And how could I get him to at least tell me why he won’t make the drive to me?
He claims he loves me, but how can I be sure?
Thanks,
M ‘n M
Dear M ‘n M,
You know he could easily turn that question around don’t you? “She claims to love me, but how can I be sure when she wants to change me?”
Firstly, ask him straight out why he isn’t willing to come visit you, and tell him you’re not budging until he gives you an answer. It might be something that is easily fixed, like he needs new tires because his car is currently unsafe but he actually really wants to see you, or it could be something that time will fix, like he’s nervous about meeting your family. You won’t know until you talk about it, and he won’t know how you feel unless you tell him. Perhaps he would be willing to meet up half way some time, if there’s a point of interest between your town and his. Sometimes it is worth it to take small steps or seek a compromise on the journey to a bigger goal. It’s important for him to understand that visits benefit both of you, and that if he enjoys seeing you he needs to put the effort into making the trip himself some of the time, as that is only fair.
The two things combined suggest to me that he’s lacking confidence in some areas and that avoidance is his method of dealing with that. Alternatively, he might not be as invested in this relationship as you are. That’s not to doubt that he loves you, but it’s possible to love a person and not be ready for certain aspects of traditional relationships. For example, girls frequently will say they are not ready for sex but would be hurt at the suggestion that was because they didn’t love their boyfriend, and rightly so because not being comfortable within yourself to do something is not dictated by whether you love another person. It’s about yourself, your personal development, your limits.
Some people are very uncomfortable on phones. Everyone needs one, because it’s almost impossible to get a job if you don’t have one, but for some people that is as far as it goes. If he’s not calling you, but also not calling most of the other people in his life, then chances are it’s nothing to do with you.
Again you could compromise. You could start with Skype calls, turn the voice feature on, but give him the option to type his replies if he prefers. Or you could just call him. Block your number if you think he’d be too scared to pick up, and have a very short conversation with him. Call to tell him you love him and then say “Well I’ve got class now/have to go do whatever” and let him off the hook. A few brief positive experiences could be the confidence boost he needs.
Overall if he ticks every other box I don’t think these two things are a deal breaker. In five years when you’re happily living together, it won’t matter if he doesn’t want to phone you because you can walk to the kitchen and find him drinking milk straight from the carton. The visits are a bigger issue, because for him to be involved in your world he needs to take part in it, and he can’t do that if he won’t make a simple three hour trip, but that problem will be easier to overcome once you discuss it and start working together on a solution.
