A Drop In The Bucket Of Your Forever

Dear Elizabeth,

These things take maturity and emotional intelligence, two things that will come through persistence, his own desire to change, and your ability to meet him where he’s at.

Some people need time and space when they are hurting, and those of us that don’t need to give them the grace to deal with their emotions in their own way. I’m not saying it’s cool that he creates all this distance, but you both need to take into account each other’s method of dealing with things. For example, he needs to be able to say, “I’m really struggling right now, I’m going to take a short break,” yet still remain in civil contact, at a less intense degree. In the very least he should still let you know he’s alive and ask how you are, even if he’s not ready to talk things out. And you need to be able to not bug the shit out of him while he processes things. You need to show him that he can withdraw a little without having to disappear entirely to get the space he needs.

Over time he will see you as a safe and stable person who won’t over-react, and as he becomes better at dealing with his own emotions he’ll likely bring you into his confidence. Explain to him how you feel when he won’t talk through issues with you, and how damaging a lack of communication is to a relationship in the long term. Honestly, a lot of the letters I get would never have come to pass if both partners were willing to talk to each other, compromise, and work as a team. You can tell him I said that. Lack of communication destroys relationships. Even if things are hard to say, or hard to hear, the words need to happen.

I noticed you said it creates breakups. I’m going to give you one of my super-secret dating tidbits: Breaking up is not an option, because breaking up is forever.

I see this too much. I’m not even going to say “with younger couples” because full-blown adults get caught up in this ridiculousness too. But it has to stop for you to both take this relationship seriously and make it through the distance. So take breaking up off the table as an option.

Never threaten to break up either, because that’s bullshit. It’s manipulation.

When you constantly break up and get back together you set a precedent. You’re training yourselves not to take each other seriously when honestly, there really isn’t that much to break up over. As Dan Savage says in his “Price of Admission” talk, you should be able to count your deal breakers on one hand. They should be big things.

For example, at your age my deal breakers were:
• Smoking, drinking, drugs.
• Not wanting children / not being willing to care for own children.
• Moving offshore forever.
• Cheating.
• Making me change my religion / not letting me raise children in my faith.

Now my deal breakers are:
• The religion thing, still.
• Smoking. Excessive use of alcohol or drugs.
• Feeding meat to my children.
• Harming my children in any way.
• Moving offshore forever.

Big things! Your deal breakers are things that you absolutely can’t deal with. Notice cheating is no longer on my list? That’s because if Mr. E wanted to go outside of our marriage, or if he started having feelings for someone else, I know he’d talk to me. It’s not something that would break us anymore.

Do I hate how he leaves his dirty clothes piled on his side of the bed? Yes. Does it annoy me when he doesn’t do his chores and my house stinks? Yes. Do I wish he’d stop trying to be funny, or stop trying to fix my problems when I’m just venting? HELL YES! But those are small things. We can talk them through. We can improve ourselves. I annoy him too, I bet he wishes I'd get a damn license already. But compared to our love, those things are nothing.

So figure out what matters to you. What really matters. And don’t throw down the break up card if the issue's petty. That’s something you can both start right away that will strengthen your relationship: take breaking up off the menu.

I know it is hard being a teen. I hated being a kid. People telling you what to do, what to eat, when to eat, who you can see. Not having enough of an income to be independent. It blows. But you’re so close to being past all that. Remind him of it. The future is so much better that you can’t even imagine how great it's going to be. Long distance is worth it. Marrying someone and making a life with someone who you really bond with on a soul level is worth a few hard years. It’s a drop in the bucket of your forever.

You can get through this.