Dear Miss U,
Corey and I have been together for a little over 4 yrs. I have a 6 year old from when I was married… Corey and I have a 2 year old and are expecting a little girl in September.. We’ve spent the majority of our relationship apart except for 1 year when he came here and lived with me.. We decided we wanted to take the boys and move back to his hometown in Missouri (our youngest was 16 months old at the time).. His grandparents offered to help buy us a house once he had stable work so he moved back and went to live with his grandparents while he looked for work.. He finally found 2 good jobs this year but his grandparents aren’t making any effort until July/Aug when Corey gets hired on a permanent basis.. We thought we would try looking for apartments in the meantime, but they are too small for a family of 5.. It’s been a tough pregnancy for me raising 2 rambunctious boys and not feeling well.. We really miss each other and he misses the boys immensely.. I don’t know how much more I can take.. I’m an emotional basket case.. We’ve talked about him coming back here but it wouldn’t be worth him missing a year of our family and his first born growing up just to give up and be back at the same situation we were in when he left.. I’m overwhelmed, tired & all around full of sadness.. I’m getting to the point I can’t control the tears.. Any advice for me to maintain what little bit of sanity I have left? I’m lost and heartbroken and need help :'( I don’t know how to go on any longer..
Shawna
Dear Shawna,
Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m sorry to hear that this time is filled with stress and hardship instead of the pregnancy journey you’d probably rather it be. Your situation is a tough one, but I will do my best to look at a few ways you can work through it.
Personally, I’m not a supporter of breaking apart the family for any reason, even if it’s the practical or financially sound option at the time so for others reading this and considering dividing to conquer in this way, I implore you to seek other options even if they take longer. Family is life. There’s nothing more important than the people in your micro world and the experiences you can have with them. Time is the one thing you can’t get back; so it’s a resource that should be spent wisely. I’m not at all saying “you’ve done the wrong thing” Shawna; what I am saying is that I believe it’s too great a sacrifice to make. Or, in LFAD terms: It’s not worth it.
Ideally then a plan that would bring the family back together would be the one I’d recommend focusing on. You’ve stated that apartments in your price range are too small for a family of five, but I’m encouraging you to re-access your opinion of too small. Look at what you need rather than what you want, because the apartment would only be temporary – at worst a year – until your husband goes permanent and you’ll have assistance buying a home. All you really need is a two bedroom place; it won’t harm your boys to share a room for a little while (and wouldn’t they prefer that to not seeing Corey?) and SIDs guidelines encourage parents to babies six months and under to room-share for safety anyway, so your newest addition doesn’t need her own room.
A lot of the time when people say they can’t find a home big enough for their family they don’t actually mean the members of the family won’t fit in the space, they mean their belongings won’t. And to that I say “it’s just stuff.” You’re going through some financial hardship and could use the money so perhaps it would be a good idea to downsize. If you’re lucky, Corey’s grandparents might also be willing to store some furniture until you can move into your house as well.
If right now you’re looking at the screen going “No Miss U, I mean we can’t afford anything bigger than a studio, we honestly can’t move to be with Corey!” then you have to ask yourself what you need to get you through the last part of this hurdle. Be honest. What options do you have? Is it possible to move in with a family member or friend, or have them move in with you, so you’d have a bit of help with looking after the boys and keeping the home in order? Is outsourcing an option for you? Do you have a spare room you could offer to an au pair, perhaps? Can you find ways to reduce your workload, such as hiring a cleaner, investing in childcare or having groceries delivered? Is your six year old taking on age-appropriate chores? Delegate some work where you can. Parenting is extremely hard, especially when you’re going at it more or less alone and whilst growing another human. Don’t be afraid to ask for help! And do look into your community resources. Different areas offer different things, but there are usually some good programs and community initiatives you can take advantage of.
It’s also important that taking care of yourself physically remains a priority. Good nutritious food, adequate sleep, finding time for leisure (hard with kids, but not impossible. They have to sleep sometime!) and getting enough exercise are key. Find thirty minutes a day to be active; just walking is enough. Getting outside and breathing deeply has proven to alleviate mild depression. I know when the world is falling apart around you the last thing you want to do is eat broccoli, meditate and work up a light sweat, but they truly are the things that will help you become yourself again.
Like you have said, you don’t want to just throw away all the effort and suffering you have already endured. You don’t want to feel like you are taking a step backwards. So don’t. You’re obviously a tremendously strong woman and I believe you can do this. You can hold on just a little while longer. Sadly there is no “how”; I can’t tell you how to get through and by the end of it you probably won’t know how exactly you managed to do it, but you will. Each day is another day closer.
Remember the mother’s mantra “This too shall pass.”
