Dear Miss U,
I had to move from where I have lived with my boyfriend of 8 1/2 years because the town did not have the doctors that I needed to see for my health problems. My boyfriend and the father of my 2 daughters decided to stay there. He says it’s because he did not want to start over somewhere new. So we are doing the long distance thing and I really don’t know how to handle this situation. It is making me feel like he doesn’t care about us at all. What should I do?
Karen
Dear Karen,
It absolutely boggles my mind that he thinks this is ok. This is not ok.
To me personally it seems very low and selfish of him to expect you to make this move alone and care for the kids alone knowing that you have an ongoing health complaint that requires medical attention. Furthermore, as a parent myself, I am floored that there are parents out there who would willingly let their children move away from them if there was another choice. I can’t imagine a situation wherein my partner had to move where I would even think not moving was an option, or vice versa. I feel that you get to a certain stage in a relationship where you are no longer just two individuals with kids; you are a family unit.
I am of the opinion that a life partner needs to be able to step it up in times of need, not back down and opt out. I expect my partner to go the extra mile to support me – especially when I am the victim of something beyond my control – not abandon me to my own devices while I sort it out alone, especially not to save themselves inconvenience. Now, if he had a contract that he couldn’t break or some other obligation that he had to finish before he could join you, I could understand splitting the family, but from what you’ve written that isn’t the case. He’s just being lazy.
I can deduce from the fact that you have written to me that the long distance thing isn’t working for you; so I would start there. Open a dialog with him and let him know that you wanted to be ok with this solution, but now that you’ve tried it you aren’t ok with it and together you need to make a new plan. Tell him how you feel (using “I” language rather than “You” language, to avoid sounding accusatory) and what you need, then go from there.
I can’t tell you what cause of action to take because there are always more factors than what can be presented in a letter, but I can tell you to value yourself and know it is perfectly alright to ask for what you need in a relationship and to be honest. You have been together long enough that you shouldn’t have to be afraid.
It is quite possible that he just didn’t think it through, and didn’t realise what his lack of support would do to the family on an emotional level. Hopefully once you enlighten him, he will pick up his game. If not, all you can do is look after yourself and the kids as best you can, get your health back on track and sometime down the line access whether this man is really a keeper. Is this the kind of man you want your daughters to date? Because what they see builds their perception of what is normal and ok. Perhaps ask him that question as well.
It might not be a bad idea to outsource some support as well, particularly if you don’t have friends or family in your new town. You can find groups online for people tackling the same illness, or just a mommy group to have coffee with to battle the isolation. Remember always to be your own best friend.
Good luck.
Dear Miss U,
Lately my boyfriend and I have been having some trust issues since we left for college. Things have been happening at my school and he’s worried about me constantly. All these guys talk to me and he doesn’t like it, but he’s been hanging out with all these girls at his school. It’s serious déjà vu from a previous relationship I was in. Is there anything I can do to make this situation better?
Anna
Dear Anna,
Roughly 50% of the population are going to be the gender you are not. This is true for most people. Throughout your whole lives people of the gender you are attracted to are going to talk to you. And some of them will be ridiculously good-looking, funny, wealthy, smart or generally tempting. You both just need to get over that. It’s not going to change. It’s not going to get better. And that’s why we need to trust our partners, and find partners that trust us.
Neither of you get to choose the other’s friends or acquaintances. At best, you can respectfully ask each other never to be alone with a friend of the opposite sex, particularly if there’s some kind of sexual history in the friendship, but even that is skirting the boundary of being controlling.
If he can’t bring himself to trust you, if he accuses you of things you haven’t done, checks up on you, doesn’t take you at your word and/or uses guilt to try and control you, that makes him the kind of person you don’t need to waste the rest of your life on.
Unless you have actually been unfaithful to him and are still earning his trust back, there’s no need for him to be worried about you. There’s no need for him to be putting pressure on you, or to be acting all jealous.
You can’t change him, all you can do is point out his hypocrisy and if the problem persists let him become an ex too.
