Dear Miss U,
Can I have some help on how you guys managed to see your other, I’m really in love with her and well I don’t have a job at the moment but am doing training next month hopefully will end up in me getting a job as a lifeguard. By the way I live in England and her Colombia. I can tell my parents will NOT help me in any way get there (Brilliant) so I’m on my own. How do you suggest I can make this easier for myself? I want to go there for a month just me and her in an Apartment. Just general advice on how this can be easier for me as we are getting really stressed out.
Thank you,
Daniel S
Dear Daniel,
Finances are one of the most stressful parts of life unfortunately, so your parents are actually doing you a favor by letting you learn to manage this alone. I personally had no help from parents either.
For me it was a matter of making a very small amount of income go a long way and saving every cent I could. Hard-core saving takes dedication. I packed my lunch every day for work/college rather than buying food, as food is one of the biggest drains on your finances, and I stopped going to social events that would cost money. That is: no nights on the town, no cinema, no coffee dates, no theme parks – you get the idea. I became the single most un-fun friend on the planet. If it wasn’t a picnic, study date or the rare free event, I didn’t go. I learned some new skills too. Likely as you live with your parents you don’t need to budget food and meal plan, and if you are paying rent I’m going to guess it’s quite a lot less than what you’d be paying if you were out of home, so consider those things a blessing. Your parents are helping you, just not in the way you’d like. Another skill other than meal-planning that I picked up to get me through was sewing. You can save a lot of money by repairing your clothes or altering them once you’re sick of them/they start getting holes rather than replacing them. Sewing, by the way, isn’t just something women do. There are many famous fashion designers that are men, so don’t think your pride will suffer from picking up a needle and thread. I more or less stopped buying things entirely, but if you have to buy something, try to find it used.
Good luck with your potential life guard job. Having an income is key, of course, to making visits happen. To supplement your conventional income you can do odd jobs in your neighborhood: washing cars, babysitting, dog walking, washing people’s windscreens at the traffic lights etc. It’s surprising what other people will pay you to do if you just offer. You can also sell items either by having a garage sale or online. You can part with pre-loved books/DVDs/games/figurines on EBay, or market your creative skills over Etsy. You can find one-off cash jobs on Craigslist (or whatever similar website is popular in your locale). There are also various places online where you can make money by taking surveys. Generally this method of earning money is ridiculously time consuming for a very small reward, but if you have the spare time you may as well be using it to earn something!
You might look into a high-interest savings account that could help you reach your goals sooner. This can be very helpful, depending on the rules and economy in your country. For me, this was a viable way to help the little funds I had to grow stronger, but for Mr. E it wouldn’t have made a difference. It’s worthwhile looking into what resources you have on hand though.
Ask people for money instead of gifts for holidays or your birthday. Let them know how important this relationship is to you and that the best gift possible would be one that got you closer to your next visit.
Most importantly, be realistic. You might like to visit for a month and stay in an apartment, but that might not be financially viable if she doesn’t have her own apartment already, as accommodation is generally the most expensive part of traveling. Figure out who in your lives would be willing to help you reach your goals, and don’t turn your nose up at the option of staying with friends or relatives even if it’s not ideal. Even if you had to stay in a back-packer hostel near her home, isn’t that still better than not being able to spend time together in person?
There isn’t really anything that will make it easier. Nothing worth doing in life is easy and long distance relationships are no exception, but you can make it less stressful by planning carefully, breaking your goals down into manageable steps and having a sense of control over your finances. Knowing that you are both doing everything in your power to make a visit happen can make a huge difference to how you both feel while you wait.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve known my Fiancé for almost 6 years now, and up until recently we haven’t ever been more than that; we decided to take our friendship to the next level. After about a month we decided we had waited long enough and he bought me a plane ticket to go see him for January 6th and he said he had a BIG surprise for me. On the day of we were both ecstatic to finally just see each other. After 7 hours on a plane I arrived in Seattle, and made my way through their rather large and confusing airport. When we got back to his place he gave me a notebook that he had written in every night since we were together and on the very last paragraph, he asked me to marry him. Clearly I said yes; followed by the best week of my life he bought me a new return flight just to have me around for a little longer. I almost did not go home on my return flight. In the airport he begged me to stay with him, to not go, but I couldn’t do that to my mom. My parents do not know about the engagement, and I was hoping on a few tips on how I could tell them. Along with the engagement we have been talking about moving in together but reading up on it, it is very difficult to move across the border as well as I am scared we might be taking things too quickly, we have known each other for 6 years but have only been together for 2 months. Should we rush it and get married to make it easier to move across the border? Thanks for reading and thank you for any help you can offer!
Kelsy
Dear Kelsy,
Congratulations on your engagement.
Whilst I recognize and don’t at all discount your having known each other for six years, you must realize there is quite a difference in the dynamic of a romantic relationship and a higher level of responsibility from that of just being friends. As there are these differences, I encourage you to spend some time actually being in a relationship and seeing how you work together in these new roles. I have a few really great friends who I’ve known a long time, but I know it wouldn’t be a fantastic idea to go from being mates straight into marriage. The playing field and rules are completely different. So at the very least, get some couple’s counseling, marriage counseling or take a weekend retreat together (you can find relationship building ones) before you legally tie yourself to him and go moving countries.
It would make no sense to rush into marriage for your visa and could potentially damage your relationship with your parents. Instead, let your parents know you’re engaged as soon as possible. Whilst they will be surprised and maybe apprehensive that you have not dated long, you’ve known this guy for six years. Surely you have mentioned him to them on a handful of occasions, or they’ve been around when you’ve spoken to him on Skype or sent him a text. If he’s as an important part of your life as I assume must be for you to marry him, they will at least recognize his name when you say it, and will know he’s a part of your world. I would advise that both of you break the news to them together (he can join you over Skype) as they are less likely to have an immediate negative reaction or try to influence your decision with both of you projecting a united (and happy) front.
For the visa, sit down and do your research. A lot more goes into the visa than marriage. Most importantly, you need to have evidence of a genuine ongoing relationship which at this point you likely do not have. Part of having a genuine ongoing relationship in the eyes of the law is that the people in your communities believe that you have such a relationship. You may need legal statements or statutory declarations from family members or friends who have met both of you and can attest your relationship. You will also require photographic evidence of your relationship, particularly you and you r partner with other people who are important to your lives. You need a selection of letters, invitations, postcards, bills, proof of joint purchases, bank accounts etc in both your names. Evidence of any premarital counseling could stand you in good stead here. You may need to prove that one or both of you has a specific level of income or savings, have back ground checks and medical checks performed or any number of things on top of your marriage certificate, so there is no point in rushing. Marriage will not fast-track your application in any way.
It is quite a daunting and time-consuming process, so in the meantime build up your evidence, have a couple of visits, spend time as a couple, perhaps throw a big engagement party to catch your family and friends up to speed (and get lots of photographic evidence). Best of luck; life is exciting!
