Miss You Issues: A Man's Decision - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U

I will be glad if you will help me with my situation. I have a girlfriend from Germany she loved me so much but there was a time I couldn’t give her attention. She suffered very much. I just found out she’s now cheating but she told me she did because I wasn’t there for here when she needed me much. Her current boyfriend was there for her when I was busy for some few months. I told her to quit the relationship but she said she can’t because the guy was there when I wasn’t there for her. She says she still loves me but before she will come back to me she has to break up with the fit which was hard for her because she feels something for him though she still loves me. I requested for a secret dating to try to win her back but I don’t know if its a good option to take. I need an advice.

Love Deep

Dear Love Deep,

I’m not 100% clear if you found out she was cheating and then she admitted she did OR she came to you and confessed her cheating. If it is the later, and she then refused to stop seeing this other guy I can only think she confessed in the hope you would break up with her. If it’s the former, perhaps she never intended to tell you and was content just stringing you both along for attention.

Whilst I understand that cheating can be a symptom of something wrong in a relationship and I don’t think that people who cheat are demon spawn or anything, there were other ways she could have addressed this, such as coming to you and telling you she needed more from the relationship or breaking up with you so that she’d be free to find a partner who could give her the time and attention she needed.

The fact that she’s not willing to break up with her other boyfriend tells you everything you need to know, and that is that you missed your chance with this girl and need to leave off. She can say she loves you all she likes, but love doesn’t cheat and lie and then refuse to stop doing it. And you can say you love her too, but love makes the relationship a priority. Neither of your actions are speaking of love, so learn from this mistake and move on.

And no, a secret relationship is not a good option to take. Aside from the fact that you’re more or less telling her you think cheating is ok, you’re doing this other guy and your soul a huge disservice. He might not even know you exist. Do you want to wear the shame of playing him for a fool, just as she has played you for a fool? No. You’re better than that. Or, I hope you are.

When you part ways you can tell her you still love her and would like a second chance to make a relationship work; that if her current relationship falls apart she can contact you, if you like. But I wouldn’t recommend waiting around pinning after her. You both might learn your lessons and desire to salvage what was lost, but there’s a good possibility that she’s already moved on and just doesn’t know how to end it with you, and so you should gather up the pieces of your shattered heart, take time to heal, and move on too.

Dear Miss U,

I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend’s parents seem like they don’t like me, they never want us to see each other. Every time we try plan to see each other they interfere. Or make him cancel when I’ve already paid. They are always saying that he should be studying and that he has to make a future so he can earn loads of money but… How is that more important than his happiness right now? We were supposed to be seeing each other in a couple of weeks but they have black mailed him saying that if we see each other then, then we can’t see each other in summer just because they don’t like it 🙁 I can’t keep doing this, it hurts me so much. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

That’s pretty terrible logic. If happiness right now is more important than the future then it is best to eat the cake and the pizza and go to the pub instead of the gym. If happiness right now is the most important thing I should go on a cruise rather than putting that money toward my rent. Sadly, life doesn’t actually work like that. They want financial freedom for him because they want him to be safe and happy when he is no longer in their care, because life without money is hard and stressful and society tells us money will make us happy even though it doesn’t (though it sure helps!)

With that said, no, I don’t think they hate you. I doubt they even consider you as a person with feelings and a future of her own to work towards. I feel that they probably just hate what you represent; that is that their little boy is nearly a man. He will very soon be a legal adult and they will send him out into the world, no longer able to make his decisions. I believe it is that change they fear. They are uneasy about his coming independence and the shift their own lives must take. As a parent it is hard to let go, even if that is the ultimate goal.

What they think of you is a small matter however, because regardless of whether they like you as a person they are sabotaging your relationship and that’s not ok. He needs to put a stop to it. He needs to stand up for you and your relationship. It would make sense if he waited to do that until he was legally not their responsibility, so if his birthday is soon I would hold out for that.

I must say one thing though: people will tell you “you’re not marrying his family, it doesn’t matter what they are like” but that’s a load of rubbish. As long as you are with him these people will be part of your life. If he can’t advocate for you (or even himself) and protect your relationship from them I wouldn’t advise sticking around. People who have power over you don’t tend to willingly relinquish it. His parents aren’t going to suddenly back off of their own accord. This issue won’t just go away without being confronted. He either needs to fix this problem, or you need to say goodbye before this whole situation destroys your confidence in yourself and breaks you apart. You deserve better.

I really feel for you, and I hope that he will defend what you have together. I’d like to think that in time they would grow to love and respect you, once they realize that your boyfriend is a man who must choose his own path.