Miss You Issues: A Matter Of Culture - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

You have advised me before regarding my relationship and it was amazing advice. Thank you so much.

I come from India and my customs don’t really approve of falling in love. My parents were looking for a groom for me for past few years and I felt like I was betraying them by not telling them about my SO.

I told them about him and everybody freaked out. I had told them about him before and I was told that if he gets a good job they might consider it. Now he has joined a reputable college for MBA and I thought that should be enough for my family. But my parents were not even ready to hear about it. I tried explaining to them that he was a great support during hard times but they took offense saying that I mean to say that they weren’t. My father kept on asking me things like, “He is not good-looking so why do you love him?!?” “What if you earn more than him?!? ” You are not his first love, how do you trust him?!?” “He is your age how will you adjust?!?”

It made no sense to me, finally after a lot of persuasion he told me that if I cut all contact with him for next 2 years and if he still loves me , my dad will think about it. It seemed really stupid, but I said I would try. But today morning my brother told me that my parents have no intention of letting me marry him, and they are hoping that I will forget him in 2 years. I feel so betrayed!!

On top of all this my mother won’t talk to me and they feel that I have done something wrong.
What do I do???

In Despair

Dear In Despair,

I fear I won’t have such good advice this time, but I can offer support and sympathy. I completely understand your feelings of betrayal, and am just as perplexed as you are at why your father even cares that your boyfriend isn’t “good looking” by his standards. Honestly, I’m on your side, and I wish I could tell you “to hell with your parents, follow your heart!” but I understand we are from completely different cultures; it might be too hard or even impossible for you to carry on this relationship without their support.

I recommend telling them you know they have no intention of upholding their agreement to support the relationship after two years of not talking (I agree that this is a stupid thing to ask too! Wouldn’t it be better to ask you to stick it out with your boyfriend the extra two years to prove you can make it?) And explain to them that in the event you do earn more than he does it will not matter, as you will be a team contributing to the same future – the same financial pool.

Beyond that, I would look to the law and to securing your own independence from them. Can they legally force you to marry someone else? It is best if you have a full grasp of your rights so that no matter what they try you won’t be pushed or tricked into anything. Becoming as independent as you can is also a good goal. It will be much harder for them to manipulate you if you’re not relying on them for anything.

I feel that your mother will come around in time. It may be hard to believe, but your parents really feel like they are doing what is best for you. They love you, even if they don’t understand why you are rebelling against their tradition, and even though the way they are trying to show that love is harmful.

It’s also possible that they fear for their own future. I know in some cultures there are rules for which children will look after the parents in old age. If that’s your role, perhaps they feel if you abandon the tradition of having them select your husband, when the time comes you will abandon them/ your obligation to care for them. This might be far-fetched and not apply to your situation at all, but sadly I don’t have a complete grasp of Indian culture, so I thought I’d throw it out there for consideration. If it does apply, some reassurance may be in order.

Remember that this is your life and you must live it for yourself, no matter who stands against you. It will not always be this hard, I promise.

Dear Miss U,

Almost 900 miles separate us, and thus far it’s not too bad. I just can’t wait to close the gap. I know most young relationships don’t last, and adult LDR relationships are rare enough as is. Would it be possible that my significant other and myself would be able to hold a long distance relationship successfully? Both of us are willing to put the effort into it, but we both are worried about the possibilities.

Thank you!
Grace

Dear Grace,

I do not know you. I do not know him. All I know is what you have written here. You are young, in love and long distance. I’m not clear how exactly you think I’m going to be able to deliver a forecast of your relationship’s future, but I do know this: Other people have done it. From a young age. From greater distances. From different cultures, religions and even different languages. If they can do it, there’s no reason you can’t also succeed, if indeed yours is a good match (and I can’t tell you if it is, of course!)

Don’t let it worry you. If you enjoy the relationship and each other’s company you’re on much better footing to go the distance.