Dear Miss U,
I met this guy on a game app almost a year ago and we’ve talked nearly every single day. We’ve both fallen in love and feel for each other something that neither of us has ever felt for anyone before. We’ve talked about everything and how we wanted to meet one day and eventually be together. A few weeks ago, I discovered that his “niece” is actually his daughter, and that he still lives with the baby’s mother. I also found out he lied about his age. Anywho, I confronted him, and he eventually told me the truth. They have stayed together for the baby, but he’s never loved her and they aren’t like a couple. He said he never lied about his feelings for me and he still wants to be with me. The problem is that she pays for everything and he’s financially unstable at the moment. He said he will make plans to leave and move with his parents while he saves money to be able to come meet me and eventually get his own place where I live. I’ve forgiven him, because I always kinda knew he was lying about the baby and his age and I understand why he lied (because he thought I wouldn’t talk to him in the first place if I knew the truth), but now I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by giving him another chance. I’ve been hurt so badly by all of this and I never thought something like this would happen to me, but I love him so much and we feel like we’re meant for each other. I’m trying to be patient and not get my feelings hurt, but this is hard and I don’t know if I should stay or go.
– So Confused
Dear So Confused,
The best thing for you to do in this situation is to get out of it as fast as you can. But you probably already know that, don’t want to hear it, and are writing to me for other options.
If you are going to stick it out with this liar, you need to verify his new story. The best way to do that, of course, would be by talking to the mother of his child. This way you can find out if they are indeed broken up or if she believes they are still in a relationship. Because honestly, if he’s willing to lie to you, there’s no guarantee that he isn’t simply cheating on her and/or using her for money. Qualities you don’t particularly want to have in a prospective partner of your own.
He has contradicted himself in what he has said to you, and that bothers me. They have either decided to stay together for the baby, or he is planning on moving into his parents place – not both. I suspect the latter was bought up to smooth over the situation with you, not because it was an option he was considering prior, and that is a red flag.
I think this relationship only holds deceit and heartbreak for you and that both you and the mother of his baby deserve better. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Dear Miss U,
My significant other and I met in north Carolina and fell for each other instantly. To Continue his culinary education he was accepted into an apprenticeship in west Virginia. The first few months were ok we missed each other a lot but it seemed to be working. I realized I was willing to leave my family, friends, and job to come to wv to live. I was only there for a month before I realized I wanted to come home (not bc the relationship was failing but bc I was alone a lot bc he was working and there is absolutely nothing out there) so a few months later we take a trip snowboarding and he dislocated his shoulder and had surgery which allowed him to come home for the holidays. We grew even closer and now he has recovered and back in wv. It has been 3 wks since we’ve seen each other. We are doing great but I miss him and it’s all I think about. Here at home all my family and friends know him and know how a part of me left with him. None of his friends where he is has ever met me and to the girls who are hitting on him at work I could be made up for all they know. I’m having serious problems trusting him even though he has never given me a reason not to. I’ve been hurt before by someone who lived in the same house, how can trust a guy 300 miles away? I’ve only recently had issues with this bc he is telling me about girls at work hitting on him and he tells them he taken. I believe him but to avoid my imagination run wild should I tell him to stop telling me about these things?
– Hanna
Dear Hanna,
I believe he is doing what he thinks is right by being super honest and it’s backfiring. If you need to tell him you can’t handle that level of disclosure, there’s nothing wrong with that.
But give him your trust until he gives you a real reason not to. I understand your dilemma about being hurt locally and thus finding it bizarre to trust someone who isn’t there, but the fact is he is a different guy and hopefully one more worthy of the faith you’re putting in him. Never fall into the trap of punishing your current partner for the sins of the one who came before. That was a different relationship, a different time in your life. Learn from it, but don’t let it bog you down in the future.
Of course, next time you’re visiting I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt to visit him at work looking completely fabulous!
