Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for nearly 2 months and I feel as if we are already reaching that dreaded 3 month period. My boyfriend works 12 hour shifts a day and goes to bed pretty early because of work too. We talk in a chat room with a couple other people that we have known for years but, we only seem to talk on the side…just the two of us for maybe at the most 30 minutes a day. We text sometimes when he’s on his lunch break at work and then we don’t talk again privately until he is about to go to bed which is around 8-9pm. Communicating with him seems kind of forced. I’m not sure if it’s because he feels as if he has nothing to talk about or if he’s just tired from work. I had gone to see him November 14-18 and the next day our communication seemed to change dramatically to what it is now. He had told me at the time that he wanted to cut back talking while he was at work because it made him think of me and that frustrated him. So, we cut back but, we seemed to cut back communicating altogether. We’ve always usually talked on the phone once a week because I don’t have many minutes to use monthly. I asked him tonight before he went to bed if I could call tomorrow and he literally said “eh. I have things to do. But sure.” It’s like he doesn’t like talking to me anymore and that he’s only talking to me because he knows I want that. Am I being too clingy? Am I being unreasonable for wanting to communicate with him whenever we have the chance?
~ Kayla
Dear Kayla,
Hold up girl! It sounds like a case of “too much too soon” here. I think thirty minutes a day is pretty damn good for such a new relationship. It’s not at all unreasonable or unusual for you to want to communicate as often as possible and for great periods of time but that can do more harm than good.
It is curious that so early in the relationship he’s asking to cut back on the contact, especially right after a visit, but as you said, he works an awful lot and he needs to sleep too. It’s altogether possible that between work and sleep he’s having trouble finding time to do all the other things he wants to do and he’s just trying to find a balance.
You mentioned that your conversations seem forced and perhaps he feels he has nothing to say. This isn’t really a great sign if it isn’t related to tiredness because there’s no way you could have talked every subject through already in such a brief time. Is he just as disinterested on his days off? That can be one way to gauge if his mood is related to fatigue and work stress. If he is lively (or flirty) in your conversations on a weekend, it’s a good bet he’s just overwhelmed.
All in all though, try not to worry and focus on making the conversations you do have enjoyable rather than worrying about how frequent they are.
Dear Miss U,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year now. I love him so much, but I am so confused. I want to be with him and make it work. However, I have so many doubts. He left September for college and ever since he left, we fight like crazy. I feel like he does not put the same effort I put in. He calls me every couple days. He doesn’t text me as much. On the weekends he is out till 7 in the morning with his friends. He swears that he is not cheating on me, but he has lied to me before. During summer, I found out he hung out with this girl I did not like/trust whatsoever. He lied to my face, but when I checked his messages I saw that he did hang out with her. She asked him if my bf liked her more than a friend. And he answered, “Well I will let you answer that for yourself.” He said it was because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so I stayed with him. Now that he is away, I am afraid he is lying. I want to trust him, but I have so many doubts. He gets mad at me for not trusting him, but I don’t know what to do. I cry so much lately because I am so confused. A part of me wants to end it, but I cannot let go. I feel so torn! I just really need advice from someone who was/is in a long distance relationship. I feel like no one understands me. Your advice would be super helpful. Thank you!
~ AZ
Dear AZ,
There’s a lot I need to cover in your letter.
Firstly, it isn’t really ok to try and choose your partner’s friends, regardless of how much you don’t like or trust them. The idea is that you trust your significant other enough to counteract whatever that third person might come up with. It’s his business who he hangs out with, and I feel that he might have lied simply because he thought he’d get in trouble from you if you found out. You might need to find a way to express these kind of concerns to your partner (him, or whoever you date in future) without coming across as accusatory. You might say, for example “I’d prefer it if you hung out with
Secondly, if you accuse someone of cheating often enough, eventually they are going to just go and do it. Why? Because if they are already receiving your ire for something you suspect they are doing, and it’s obvious since you keep asking that you don’t believe they are not doing it they may as well just go and do it because there is no benefit to them for remaining faithful. If you’re going to get in trouble for something, it may as well be something you’ve actually done.
Thirdly, people in long distance relationships are not statistically more likely to cheat than people in near proximity relationships. It’s completely a myth. Generally, if you’re going to put in the effort and suffer through the heartache of a long distance romance you’re not going to jeopardize it by cheating unless you’re the sort of person who would cheat regardless.
With that said – your boyfriend seems very shady. I can clearly see why you don’t trust him, and I wouldn’t be inclined to believe what he has to say either. Unfortunately, relationships can’t survive without trust.
Personally, I would cut my losses on this one. Long distance is hard, and it becomes unbearable if you’re not in it with someone you trust 100% You need to know that it’s going to be worth it in the end; that the relationship is going to survive so you can enjoy a future together. You don’t get that if you’re in a relationship that you don’t really want to be in anymore. There’s no point. And, while you’re tied down to this guy, being faithful to him while you’re sure he isn’t doing you the same courtesy, you could be missing out on someone else who you could love and trust without fear.
Breaking up will hurt, but I feel at this point it’s inevitable, so you may as well get it over and done with so you can start healing. If you decide that breaking up is not something you can do, you need to be able to treat him as though you trust him, until such a time comes where you either do trust him, or you leave, because constantly bringing the subject up will only damage your relationship further.
