A Measure Of Success

Dear Miss U,

Cindy

Dear Cindy,

People measure success differently and strive for different lifestyles. It sounds to me like whilst you’re both great people you are aiming for vastly different things. It’s clear to me that you don’t have a great deal of respect for the arts as a career path, which isn’t uncommon or necessarily wrong, but if both of you can’t see eye to eye on this it might very well be a deal breaker. It’s time to discuss the vision of shared future you’re both working towards and what you’re both willing to do to get there.

I’m seeing this from a different angle because in my relationship I am the artist. I’m a freelance journalist trying to make it in the writing world and most months I make enough money to pay for my phone bill. My partner currently pays for absolutely everything else and that wasn’t an easy decision for us to reach! Let me tell you a story:

There was a time he was just starting his career, fresh out of school and taking all the underpaid contracts he could find. He’d go months with no income when there were plenty of other jobs around because he wanted to do the work he’d studied for. Meanwhile, I was working a job I absolutely hated, a dirty and physically demanding job that first world countries seem to reserve for their immigrants. Unskilled labor, bottom of the barrel. But I paid my share of our bills, and it infuriated me that he thought unskilled labor was beneath him. We fought over it, and when we didn’t fight there was a lot of disrespect and snide comments.

Eventually, he had to get an unskilled weekend job to work alongside the career jobs he picked up. Sometimes he’d work every day for months and we wouldn’t see each other, but at least I knew he was aiming for the same future I was. Other times he couldn’t get career work and we were both grateful for that backup job.

Meanwhile, I was a poor girl from a poor family, I hadn’t studied at all, and when the opportunity came I threw it away to move to him. I’d always dreamed of writing. Of being a paid novelist, on the best seller list, doing book tours… yeah, pretty naïve, I know. Periodically I would have these bouts of depression about my lack of career, mostly after another long day at that job I hated; or when he’d come home and tell me about his career achievements. It was hard not to be jealous.

I was crying to him one day about it and he was like, “Write when you get home! Why can’t you just write in your free time?” because everyone looks at the arts as a hobby, not as a real career. And I said to him “If I asked you to work at Boston Pizza for the rest of your life and just do your computer stuff in your spare time and without pay, how would you feel? Because that’s what you’re saying to me. “Give up on your career, just do it as a hobby.”

The thing is creating, be it art or writing, is work. It’s hard, time-consuming, stressful and we want to actually get paid for that. We don’t want whatever we slaved over to sit in the back of the cupboard to be brought out as a curio for dinner guests, we want to share it with the world and leave our mark on the future.

He got it then. And he promised that if I kept working that job I hated and kept paying his share when he couldn’t the day would come where his career would make a lot of money. Enough that he could support me while I went to university or while I sat at my keyboard hour after hour pounding out the next great American novel. It was a big leap of faith. We were basically kids playing house; I don’t think we were even engaged at that point. But I kept my word and he kept him, and whilst I haven’t written that bestseller yet we are both on career paths that enrich us because we talked it over, made a plan and have both worked together as a team to see each other become happy and successful.

I recognize it’s harder in your situation because you’re both older than we were and that creates its own stress, but maybe there is a compromise to be had here if you both mean enough to each other. If he wants your happiness as much as he wants his own, and you want his happiness more than you want your own.

Forget his career path a moment and look at his actions. Does he have a good work ethic? Is he spending eight hours a day, five days a week, working on his art career? Is he actually busting his arse, finishing projects, networking and striving for that big break or is he calling himself an artist, getting stoned and playing computer games? Is he treating this like a real job and putting his all into it, or is he just honest-to-God lazy? What does he have to show for himself at the end of each day?

I would say that if he is working hard, even though he isn’t gainfully employed at this point, then he might still be a keeper. Maybe you can talk to each other and find an answer that isn’t breaking up.

Speak to him about how you’ve been carrying this relationship financially and the toll it is taking on you. Gently mention how there are nice little gestures and visits that you’ve been going without in your attempt to be understanding but that this is not sustainable in the long term. Ask him to make a plan with you, to find a compromise that works. Assess what work happens between you and how you each nourish the relationship. You can be supportive while asserting your own needs; just as he can focus on his career without neglecting his obligations to you.

If he understands where you are coming from and takes action to make this relationship fair and more fulfilling for you, that’s a great sign. He likely won’t pause his career to get a stable job, but you should see a difference and start feeling his gratitude for what you do. If however he talks a big game but nothing changes at least you will know you didn’t give up on an otherwise great guy without putting in a fight.

Sincerely,
Miss U.

Long Distance Relationship Forum

Browse our forum for support and advice from other people that are in long distance relationships.