A Sense Of Justice

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I dated for 6 months and then he had to leave to another country for work and we decided to do LDR. I love him with all of me. We had a lot of issues about happiness. I met a guy and we hung out a couple of times and the third time, we kissed and had oral sex. It was the worst experience of my life because the only other time I have done that was with my boyfriend and it was intimate and lasted forever. But with this guy it was just a quick way for him to get off.

The next day I tried breaking up with my boyfriend and he fought for me so I told him I only kissed the guy and that it meant nothing but I cheated and he said it was ok. I know it was a mistake and I believe when he comes back we will be better than ever. just wondering if it would be better off to break up with him?

- Trello

Dear Trello,

I can’t think for the life of me why you would break up with this guy. Has he done something wrong? Does he treat you with kindness and respect? You said you believe things will be better than ever when he moves back. That doesn’t sound like the kind of guy you should be breaking up with.

Do you think you’ll somehow feel less guilty if you break up? I know there are scores of books and movies where the whole plot is based off “I’m not good enough for him/her, I’ll break up even though we both love each other,” but that’s fiction, and this is real life. In real life, we don’t play games like that, or dick people around.

What you need to do is find a way to deal with your guilt. I’m not going to suggest you tell him, because I don’t think he deserves that. And I don’t think you do either. When you tell someone you cheated, you burden them with the knowledge for selfish reasons. You can’t handle something horrible you did, so you share the pain with the person who least deserves it? I’m not alright with that. Yes, honesty is great, but honesty should have stopped you cheating in the first place, so now isn’t a time to get virtuous. Spare him the pain.

Better would be for you to take that guilt to the grave. Let it motivate you and keep you away from temptation in future. That’s why we make mistakes: to learn from them. So learn. Do better. And get therapy.
I’m a big advocate for seeing a good therapist and unpacking all your issues so you can evolve into a better human and move forward with your life.

Treat him like a king, Trello, and when you have issues talk to each other. Get counseling or do a premarital course to learn how to strengthen your relationship. Nurture your relationship and each other. Take courses. Don’t punish him for your mistakes.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend recently moved with his family 700 miles away from me. This move caused me anxiety and depression just from the fact I would have to go months without seeing him. His parents make him pay for rent, food, and basically everything they can take away from him. He wants to move back up here, but keeps making the excuse that staying long distance would be better for our future. If he moves here, he'd have to pay for everything; a car, insurance, gas, phone bill, etc. The kicker is, he continually tells me he isn't happy there and he wants to move. I would do anything to get him to move back here. Long story short, am I just selfish and he is right that it would be better if he stays?

- Kylie

Dear Kylie,

He’s an adult; of course he has to pay food, rent, and utilities to live with his parents! To live with anyone, even. Do you think they didn’t give him enough in the years of his childhood and adolescence? Why in the heck should he get a free ride? There’s nothing there to complain about.

And like you said, if he moves back he’ll pay for so much more, so... why are we angry with his parents again?

Personally, I’m a strong believer that short-term suffering is often the key to long-term gain. That’s if you have a solid plan. If he’s just living with his parents to have lower expenses, but he’s not actually saving that money and using the time to work his buns off, then it’s a pointless exercise. But if he’s putting that money away; you have an end date in mind; you both know what roles you need to play and where you’re going from here, then yes, taking advantage of his parent’s generous nature is a smart move.

The transition to long distance isn’t easy. It isn’t fun. But honestly it isn’t the end of the world, or even the most difficult thing you will face as a couple.

Talk to him about restoring your faith in the overall plan, and fast-tracking his time long-distance. Be honest about how challenging you are finding it. Perhaps you can even make a count down and a savings tracker, so you have visual representations of progress toward closing the distance. When it feels more like you are working together and less like you’ve been abandoned, that helps you mentally transition and focus on what needs to be done.

Good luck,

Dear Miss U, We are in a transcontinental LDR we have grown close over the years and grown to love each other. I found that I struggled a lot with being lonely at times when I felt he was detached in the relationship. I also struggled with not being intimate with my partner since we had only seen each other once in the two years. I stepped out on our relationship… I used protection but somehow ended up pregnant. I was only with the other guy briefly and have no attachment with him now besides the baby I’m carrying. It killed me to keep the truth from my partner so I came clean about everything… [read more: I Cheated, Now I’m Pregnant.]
Dear Miss U, Now that I know the sweet taste of living together, being in a LDR doesn’t satisfy me anymore. It hurts a lot to lose those days, and I have started to wish that we could just break up now and get back together in two years (that’s when we’ll be able to close the distance), but who knows what’s going to happen in two years? I want to stay in this relationship, it’s really special, I can’t think of my future with anyone else and nor does he. But it also hurts a lot. How I can I keep going? How can I survive all this pain for two years? [read more: Make it Count]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.