Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend, and I just met. He is currently living in Germany while I’m in USA, he is from North Africa. Egypt was having some rough times, that’s why he moved in Germany without any documents that can allow him to live in Germany permanently. It’s hard for him honestly plus the language as well, we have talked about visiting each other I know for sure if he have to be the one coming to visit me it will take almost forever, at this point I’m confused because I’m the one who have to make sacrifice to visit him or else I lose him, and the relationship for how many years we gone wait for each other? On the other hand I have family and friends who are not gone to agree with the idea of me traveling seeing a man. I don’t know but my inner self tells me that he is worth to travel for and perhaps I’m not gone to regret anything at all but I do want to put out there that my parents are very controlling parents. I don’t know how I’m going to convince them, it’s such a hard situation for me, because I love the man God has brought into my life; the feeling of ever thinking to lose him is killing me. What should I do???? I told him in summer of 2016 I will try my best to visit him in Germany if everything goes well, but there’s so many obstacles before actually seeing this dream become a reality. Please help me with ideas!!!!!!!!
Melinda
Dear Melinda,
You just met. It is way too soon for you to be planning to visit him. He is a complete stranger at this point and that would be ridiculously dangerous. For the time being, put visits out of your mind and just get to know the guy. Really getting to know someone takes time; it is very easy to lie to someone and fool them over the internet, especially when you haven’t had a whole lot of contact with them yet. This time next year if you are still together and you have met him and some of his friends or family in a video call and your intuition isn’t screaming at you that something is terribly wrong, THEN start planning a visit – but not before then.
I’m sure a year seems forever away, but it is a drop in the ocean that is the rest of your life. If you are really truly going to get married and be together until death then you have the time to build a slow solid foundation now. Rushing in can put your life in danger, and thus if he is putting pressure on you to visit, take that as a warning sign and steer clear.
You tell me that your parents are controlling but your age indicates to me that you are a legal adult. If you are living alone, earning your own money and just generally being an adult, it isn’t your parents’ business where you choose to holiday or who you meet. However, if they are supporting you, then they do get a say in what you do; even with money you have earned, because chances are you’re not paying an adult share in the household. Generally speaking, to be treated like an adult you have to be acting like one. The amount of control over your adult life people have is the amount of control you give them.
Visits do take some planning, but not nearly as much as moves. Remember, people take holidays all the time. As long as you have a return trip booked, can prove you have ties or ongoing commitments to your home country and you’re not a criminal, there’s no reason you can’t visit him when the time comes. Immigration is a lot harder, but if you get your information directly from the government’s website and break it down into many small steps, that too can eventually be done. I won’t lie to you, it is hard and expensive, and the relationship has to be something very special for you to go to the trouble. But it can be done. If he is ever going to sponsor you to move there though, he will need to clear up his illegal status.
Dear Miss U,
I am writing to you because I think you will understand me and how I feel. My boyfriend and I love each other a lot and our dream was to meet when I travel to his country to study.
Two months ago my University professor planned a trip for us to London, which is very close to where he lives. We were beyond excited. There was finally a possibility where we could see each other, kiss, hug and be together like every couple wants to. We started making plans and in a few weeks both our hotels were booked and seats confirmed (his coach, mine airplane).
Both my attempts at getting a Visa were refused. I will not be seeing him in exactly a week like I thought I would. I can’t apply again because there is no time. I shouldn’t have been denied the Visa (since I meet all requirements) and I can appeal but it will take weeks to straighten out.
Basically – I will not be seeing him like we planned.
We feel extremely upset and depressed. I honestly don’t know how to cope with this. I am desperate to see him and be with him. I have another year of University left before I can apply for my studies near where he lives.
Please advise me. How can I cope with this sudden loss of hope and excitement? There is an emptiness inside me I can’t fill. We talked and decided we need to be strong, there will surely be many hurdles ahead.
Many people talk about how difficult it is to wait, but I need to know how I can recover from such a huge opportunity that was denied to me.
Thank you so much.
Loving from Arabia
Dear Arabia,
I feel for you. That is devastating and frustrating. It’s unfair and awful. But it is not the end.
I would try phoning the office from which your visa was rejected, as phoning can sometimes be quicker and produce miraculous results. It’s worth a try.
Beyond that, sometimes there is no “how”. There isn’t a method to follow, or specific things you can do to ease the pain and move forward. Sometimes you just cling to life, going through the motions, doing only the things you absolutely must every day while the time passes and the hurt and anger fades. A great deal of the time, moving on is not a choice. It is that time and our lives continue to progress regardless of how shattered we feel inside and we still have to do the things we have always done because there isn’t another option. We still have to go to work or university. We still have to eat, sleep and excrete. We still have to attend family gatherings and at least pretend to care when our friends call us up with dramas of their own. We can’t opt out of life and while we’re busy things change. When you’re not thinking about it the hurt melts into determination. The failures turn into lessons. The hardships turn into a romantic tale that one day you will tell your grandchildren (“In my day lovie, we didn’t have teleportation or intellichips under our skin. We had to get visas and FLY places. Why, this one time…”)
While there isn’t a how to recover from the denial of this opportunity, I can assure you that you will.
And I’m confident that you will meet too, in time. Sometimes it takes years. Many years. It did for me. There were many nights I was heartbroken, frustrated and spurned just as you are now. I cried and did the math over and over, wondering how I would ever get that much money. Fearing the visa process and the power these strangers had over my life. Many times it felt hopeless.
But it wasn’t. It wasn’t hopeless for me, and it isn’t hopeless for you.
But if you are blinded by the tears and rage, if you shut yourself away in your home and you give into the despair you might not see the next opportunity in time to take it. Pick yourself up and go be busy doing all the things you must do. The busier you are, the faster this year will pass.
You are stronger than you know.
