Dear Miss U,
About nine months ago, my lovely girlfriend and I began dating. Over these nine months, her parents split up and I was there for her throughout it all. We became unbelievably close and have had virtually no problems. I love this girl to death. But, my girlfriend is incredibly talented and has left our hometown in BC, Canada to go to school in California on a full ride track and field scholarship. The contract is for 5 years. Luckily, she comes home for winter break (a month), for spring break (roughly a month) and summer break (3.5 months). While she is down there I have to stay up north for 2 years at least for school. For the first year, I can’t come down to visit due to limited money and having no where to stay down there. We’ve talked about it a few times and she really wants it to work. My main concern is that she will lose interest in me due to the distance and find someone else. She keeps saying I could never be replaced and how she could never love someone as much and she would do anything to make it work but I’m still concerned. Is there any way to make this work? I love this girl to death and will do anything to make it work, is there any advice you can give me to help me make it work??
Concerned in Canada
Dear Concerned,
It sounds like you have a really good thing going, I just wanted to reassure you that yes, of course it’s possible for this to work out. Whilst it’s perfectly normal to worry that your partner is going to find someone else, the reality is that the heart doesn’t work that way. You can be, and likely are, just as much a part of her life when you’re in different countries as you are when you’re together. When someone has their heart set on another person, it’s true that others around them just don’t compare; so whilst she might get lonely, she knows that you’re what she wants, and you’re worth waiting for. A guy who is ready and willing to support her education, dreams and goals is a blessing that I’m certain she’s thankful for every day. It’s good to realize that she likely has the exact same concerns – she is probably worried that you’ll start to feel abandoned or neglected and you’ll look elsewhere! Comfort each other and remember you are in this together.
Besides, think of the time she’ll be home for breaks – that’s roughly five months out of the year – nearly half a year. As far as LDRs go, that’s quite a bit of visit time.
The best advice I can give you is the same I’d give any other relationship. Communicate honestly and openly, even if it’s not as often as you might like or in the manner you prefer. Put each other’s needs before your own. Keep the relationship fun, don’t let it stagnate.
Love will find a way
Dear Miss U,
I have been in a committed relationship for almost 3 years now. For 2 months me and my boyfriend were together abroad but last minute, I had to come home early due to college exams. When I got home, I decided to blow off steam with some close friends one night and because I hadn’t been drinking much while we were away, I got really drunk. To make a long story short, when I was going to hug one of my oldest friends, I kissed him – it wasn’t a huge make out session or anything like that, it didn’t mean a thing because I was missing my boyfriend all that day & evening, immediately after I stopped the kiss I said I didn’t know what that was and I was in love with my boyfriend, I was shocked at myself. So was my friend, he didn’t understand either. I have absolutely no feelings whatsoever for this guy, he is like my brother, and has since said to forget about what happened, I was a mess and it wasn’t a big deal. I have huge morals and always felt that not kissing others was a very big deal to me, I would never have done anything like that. Since it happened, I have been suicidal, and my family have organized for me to see a counselor, my life has fallen to pieces. I adore my boyfriend-anyone who says this mistake can’t be made if you love someone that much clearly hasn’t been in this situation before. He is back home in 2 weeks and I have written him a letter to explain what happened, and a letter every day since. Will he ever be able to forgive me, can I ever forgive myself?
Troubled
Dear Troubled,
As far as mistakes go, it sounds like you made this one with the best possible person – someone who cares about you as a friend and realizes that you were just really trashed. Now, I personally don’t think drinking is an excuse for anything, but here’s what I see – here’s the perspective of a completely neutral third-party:
You were plastered.
You were surrounded by great people who you love (as friends), trust and are grateful to have in your life.
You were emotionally vulnerable, and perhaps quite in the habit of being more physically demonstrative than usual as you’d just spent a lot of quality time in close quarters with your partner.
You’re obviously a physically affectionate person.
You stopped yourself, showed immediate remorse and confusion, and obviously did not have any sexual intent towards your friend.
What does this equal to a completely neutral third party?
Not a big deal.
In most cases I do not think that one drunken kiss is enough to end a relationship over. It’s a kiss. It’s five seconds where your brain has fritzed out. It’s unplanned. It doesn’t lead to anything. It’s not like you went back to his place and kept kissing him.
In your case in particular I think this one kiss is even less of an event. Certainly not anything worth ending your life over.
I don’t know how your boyfriend will react, because I do not know him. I don’t know what he considers cheating, nor how reasonable he is generally. But I think it’s likely it will take you longer to forgive yourself than it will take him to move past this. Learn from this mistake, because that’s all any of us can do, we can’t erase the past, and in future severely limit your drinking if your partner will not be present.
