Dear Miss U,
Here’s my situation -I live in a household with a Dad, Mom, and two little brothers. My parents are the type who have “no girlfriend” rules. I’ve already tried talking with them about it–hoping to come to a compromise–but it didn’t work. They basically tell me no relationships until I’m 18. And I’m 16 now (almost 17). For years I’ve been going through emotional pain because I see all my friends in these great relationships, and I see myself as being left out. So I joined (secretly) a dating/gaming site and met the girl of my dreams. (: Since we first met each other, we’ve both discovered that we love each other DEEPLY. Problem is our relationship is very limited as we are 1500 miles apart. I’m hoping that one day I can go to college near where she lives so I can spend time with her, but until then I’m struggling to find ways to keep our relationship pumping. I can only call her on Friday afternoons through Sat/Sun afternoons (because she has no phone access until then), and when we do talk it’s always at 3am in the morning when my parents have gone to bed (which is really stressful!) During the week, we email/IM via the dating/gaming site, but that’s even limited because my parents have an internet filter on that blocks access to the site at certain times. We’ve been at it for 2.5 months now, but I feel as though we are slowly drifting apart and it makes me nervous. I know our situation seems hopeless (and I get depressed sometimes about it) but what can I do? Please help!!
– Jordan
Dear Jordan,
It’s a bit of a worry if it’s already on the decline in 2.5 months, no matter how tricky it is to talk. A relationship with a future tends to display better staying power. It’s normal and healthy to want to talk often and spend time together, but it’s pretty rare in the beginning for that to be possible or practical for both long and short distance relationships. I’m not trying to make you feel hopeless, but if you’re going to make this work you need a good head on your shoulders and a side serve of practicality.
I’m sure for starters you can find other sites to communicate through, and you can write letters – don’t underestimate letters. You can get a part time job and use that money for a phone with a data plan so that you can Skype from your phone, somewhere other than home at 3am. Do your research, make a plan.
From years of being young and in a LDR not that different from your own, I can confidently say that a nice slow relationship can still be fulfilling and that in this stage of your life romance does not need to be your main priority. A year of a very slow relationship would do you more good than harm, and if she’s not willing to wait your parents’ rules out for a mere year, she’s likely not worth the effort. A year is nothing.
Dear Miss U,
I really need help. I am in love with someone who lives in Nebraska, I am from Illinois. I may be young but I have never experienced love like this before. It is very hard to see one another since we can not drive. We have to wait 1 year 4 months and 15 days to have fate in seeing each other. It is really hard and love like this will not come my way again. My friends have been saying to forget about him, but to be honest I cant. He was willing to get multiple jobs at *16* for us to be together, he wants me to run away with him, but I can’t. I really love him and want to be able to see him what should I do?
– Young love
First up, Young love, talking about running away to be together is needlessly dramatic and is a sure fire way to stop people respecting your relationship and treating it as though it’s serious, so you should nip that in the bud. Aside from that at 14 years old, where are you going to go? It’s HARD to get a lease underage, and I’m not sure of the law in your area but in many places you can’t even hold down a job at 14. What are you going to do, live with his parents and risk getting them in legal trouble? No. You might think your love is super special and unique, that nobody has ever felt this way before and nobody will understand, but that’s a very common misconception for people in love.
Secondly, it’s naive to say you’ll never find love like that again. You have no way to know that for sure, nothing to compare it to and limited life experience. Don’t limit yourself by convincing yourself this is your one and only shot, because that does you an injustice.
A year is nothing. I know personally several people who waited as much as five years to meet for the first time. What does that patience cost you? Nothing. It gives you plenty of time to build a strong relationship foundation based on each other’s personalities and compatibility. Its great news that you both want to work hard to be together; and you can. But you need to act and speak like an adult if you want the privileges of one.
You can start saving money, even if you’re too young to legally work. You can save birthday and Christmas money, lunch money and do work for your neighbors (babysitting, mowing lawns etc) . Have a look at buses and flights; know what you need to work towards to make that first meet happen. But, unless you’re one of the few very lucky people whose parents would support young online love, you’re just going to have to tough it out and wait, and honestly, if you’re not patient enough, dedicated enough or your relationship is not strong enough to survive that, then it’s not a relationship that you want to be in. There are a lot worse things in the world than a mere couple of years of online dating.
What you need to do is be realistic, make a plan, save some money and just enjoy being a kid while you have the chance.
