Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have known each other for a long time and we have been really close friends for most of this time. We started dating a little while ago, and he moved again shortly after. So far we have been visiting each other, texting, calls, etc. But he wants me to move in with him (3 hrs away). I have always wanted to get out of this city but I haven’t been very impulsive in my life…I have a work contract keeping me here till November… After that I’m moving up with him… Do you have any advice on how to go about preparing myself for that? I find it both exciting and terrifying.
– Conflicted in Cornwall
Dear Conflicted,
The first place to start is with lots of talking so you know what to expect. What kind of house rules do you both usually have? I know that might seem like common sense, but it is a good place to start. Do you think the dishes need to be dealt with before bed or do you use that time to relax? Is it ok to have friends over spontaneously or do you both expect to be notified? Is it ok for family to just drop by or do you prefer them to call first? Is it ok to dry your underwear in the bathroom, who takes care of which chores, how often do each of you expect to have sex and do any of your favorite TV shows clash times? Just talk! No question is too small. We are generally terrified of the unknown; if you have a good grasp of what to expect you’re less likely to be paralyzed by nervousness.
Secondly, have a backup plan. It’s not pessimistic, it’s practical. Know what you’re going to do and have the resources to do it in case for some unforeseen reason this new arrangement doesn’t work out. That too should put some of your fears to rest.
Life is an adventure, good luck with your move.
Dear Miss U,
So… Mine is very complicated. We were in long distance since the age of 17, but then there was no communication for up to four years so I moved on. Only for him to say I cheated because we didn’t break up. I was confused because obviously, he must have been seeing other people for those years. So we got back together, we were both 21 at the time and had just seen each other after four years so all the feelings came back and nothing else mattered. But four months into the long distance relationship, I made a huge mistake. I got pregnant for someone and had his baby. So my long distance relationship was over ‘I thought’. But then, three years later, he came to the country and it was like starting off from where we left off. But the issue of me cheating always comes up. Though he also cheated, but mine is worse because it resulted in having a baby.
I feel like I should let him go because it’s just too much to take; but it’s so glaring that we love each other and want to be together. There’s just too much pain involved. I feel like I am being selfish if I go on with him; but then I don’t want to lose him because we have a really really strong bond. And now, it’s still long distance so the issue of trust does affect us a whole lot.
– Philly
Dear Philly,
Let’s get one thing straight right now: You did not cheat on him. This isn’t what cheating looks like. He didn’t speak to you for four years. FOUR YEARS. That’s not a relationship and he can’t pretend for even a minute that it is. You need to actually be in some kind of contact, be playing a role in each other’s lives, or have something other than a vague memory to connect you to each other. It doesn’t matter that neither of you broke up with the other. The relationship doesn’t need to be declared over to actually be over, in the same way I don’t need to say “The sky is blue” for it to be so. Facts don’t change based on our verbal acknowledgement of them. You were not in a relationship with this guy, he was not in a relationship with you. The evidence is insurmountable. It makes absolutely no sense that there would be a fear in your current relationship in regards to cheating, instead I should think the concern would lie in whether or not one of you will just disappear from the life of the other for years on end.
The second instance of cheating you site, I am not clear on whether you were in a relationship with your SO at the time of conception or just the time of birth. Because you can’t do both in a four month period. So which was it? If you had sex while actively engaged in a relationship with your long-distance partner, then yes, that is cheating and you need to look at why you decided to cheat and maybe get some counseling so it doesn’t happen again. But if you were with your SO in name only, he wasn’t part of your life, wasn’t speaking to you, and you weren’t actively dating at the time you had sex with someone else, only at the time the baby was born, that’s not cheating.
In the event that you were actually cheating on this guy, which I’m not convinced you were, your cheating isn’t “worse” because you had a baby. When you have sex you risk it resulting in a baby. He took the same risk when he was having sex with other people in the relationships he was having when he wasn’t in your life. He committed the exact same “crime” you did and doesn’t get to lord it over you just because your actions resulted in a new life.
Speaking of which, now you have a child your highest obligation is to care for that child. To keep it safe and raise it in an environment where it feels loved and respected. How can you meet that goal if he is in your life, looking at your child like its birth blemished the relationship, if he looks upon your baby as evidence of some wrong doing rather than a person in its own right? You can’t. That’s not at all a healthy environment to subject the child to. And yes, the conception may have been an accident, but the birth wasn’t. You chose to follow through with the pregnancy, you chose to keep the child rather than giving it up for adoption – so that isn’t an accident. And that’s the important part.
Meanwhile, he disappeared from your life again for another three years while you tackled the challenge of new motherhood alone. No matter how angry he might have been, that reflects poorly on his character. He abandoned you when you needed him the most. Tell me why exactly you want to make something work with this guy? Because love is not enough. Love is not, and never will be “all you need” no matter what the movies tell you. You need support, respect, and security as well, and he isn’t and won’t give you those things.
You are not being selfish by continuing your relationship with this judgmental and immature young man, but you are doing yourself and your child a disservice. Find a partner who will actually stand by you, who will show you love rather than just saying he loves you. Someone who loves your child as well, rather than looking upon him/her as a burden. You owe yourself and your baby that much.
