Miss You Issues: All or Nothing - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

Today was my first month with my boyfriend. We have been through a lot to be together before even dating. So although it might sound cheesy for some I was really excited about today. He is usually very sweet and caring so I thought he was gonna remember the date but he didn’t. Anyway I didn’t remind him of the date either but still sent him a cute message sharing my feelings. Among the words I said I mention that “I never thought I was gonna love you this way, I truly feel you are the guy I have loved and cared about the most” so then he replied and he told me “I should take it easy and control myself” and it really hurt me because all I doing was being sweet with him. I’m a very loving person, I have always been this way and him telling me to be less expressive really hurt me. I understand he might have freaked out but hey, he is my boyfriend? I don’t think it is excessive expressing my feelings towards him especially since they are true. Again, he has always been sweet and caring and I know distance hasn’t been easy on us especially since we are both very busy people. But it made me doubt s lot. Perhaps he is not as much in love with me as I am with him; otherwise I don’t see the reason why he got annoyed or freaked out by my actions. Especially since we always sweet talk to each other. Please help me out I’m hurt, and very confused. Was I really being excessive?

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

I personally think that “month anniversaries” are ridiculous. The word anniversary comes from “annual” meaning year. To me keeping track of the exact amount of months a relationship has been going is a little strange, perhaps because time passes so quickly. I’ve always been of a mind that it’s better to wait for real occasions to celebrate. So in a nutshell; yes, I think it’s a bit excessive to expect someone to notice the date and yes I can see why even in a relationship with a bit of history that kind of message could feel too fast or too full on.

With that said, I can relate to how you feel. I once visited Mr. E, my now husband, when we’d been together about six months, but we’d been very close friends for many years. It was an expensive international surprise visit. Everyone was rather impressed with my effort and luck, considering I was just a poor student and everything. Everyone except Mr. E that is.

Mr. E acted very strange for a few days until I called him on it, demanding to know what the problem was. It turned out that he didn’t think I should have come. He didn’t think I should have spent the money on him instead of more practical things. He thought I should have waited another four months until his visit to me rolled around. “But I love you!” I protested. “Well I wish you loved me less,” he replied.

I was shattered by that. I will probably always remember how horrible it felt to hear those words. And even now, having a better understanding of the pressure he felt to make me happy and the fear he felt that his adolescence was coming to an end, I can’t forget what he said.

What I’ve learned since is that just as we don’t mature all at the same rate, our feelings within relationships don’t always progress with the same timing. It took Mr. E a lot longer to be as fearless in love as I am. It took him longer to get used to the idea of settling down. It wasn’t easy for him to throw himself into romance and everything attached to it. But, just like with the distance, he was worth waiting for and I’m sure on levels I don’t even realize exist he has waited just as patiently for me.

What isn’t ok here, and what you need to address with your boyfriend just as I had to take Mr. E to task over it all those years ago, is how he spoke to you. His words were needlessly harsh and hurtful. It is he (in my opinion,) that needs to control himself! So have a conversation together about vulnerability and how to support someone in their feelings even if you don’t feel the same way. Talk about how this situation could have been better dealt with, and if necessary provide examples of kinder ways for him to express his caution.

It’s ok for him not to be as full-on gung-ho infatuated as you are. It’s not ok for him to be an arsehole about it.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 years since I was 15. I went away to university when I was 23 years old and we ended up breaking up in my second year. It was really tough, he wasn’t dealing with it very well and made me miserable. I couldn’t study as I should, I couldn’t focus on my work and so we broke up. When I completed my degree and returned home we got back together. We love each other, that never changes and we know we love each other. Now, he has moved to the US and the positions have changed. He is now where I used to be (away) and I am where he used to be (home). I’m really feeling it this time and I believe its cause I don’t really have much to focus on for eg… school. So I have more idle time. I really miss him and I sought of resent him for moving at this point. We’re 30 and I feel like we need to settle down and that seems to be a challenge from a distance. I don’t want to lose him but this long distance for the next five years of our lives is eating at me. I feel like I want to give up before giving it a try, since he just moved. Please help me figure out what I should do. I love him and don’t want to spend the rest of my life without him but I don’t want to miss out on having a close relationship at this point in my life. I’m ready for it all and I want it all and I don’t want to wait much longer… married, kids and all that.

JayCee

Dear JayCee,

Was his move discussed before he left? Did he say he wanted to take this opportunity and you agreed to support him, or did he just decide this was what he was doing and off he went?

If you had a chance to weigh in on this decision and you weren’t honest about how you feel, then I believe you need to deal with the consequences there. If you were not honest, and are now regretting that there isn’t a whole lot I can say to you. If however this was not a decision you made together as a couple, which I feel it definitely should have been, then I would advise you let him go and begin searching for someone whose life goals are more compatible with your own. After 15 years I truly believe that only the most serious scenarios should be enough to separate a couple over long distance (such as a family member being ill or a partner being a member of the military,) and certainly not for half a decade.

I can’t help but think that after fifteen years together if he’s willing to just up and move to a different country without you then he isn’t likely to reach a point where he’s going to be interested in getting married and settling down. Five years is huge. To know he was going to leave for that long and not make any arrangement for you to join him tells me this guy isn’t forever material. It tells me this isn’t a guy who is going to put family as his highest priority.

Frankly, his actions tell me you can do way better.