Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I were dating two months before he went to Austria to work two months ago. He will come back to Germany in May. At first everything was all right but suddenly over the Christmas days he didn’t communicate with me at all and the same on New Year’s. Now today he told me he wanted a break in our relationship until he’ll come back in May. He said we haven’t been dating for long and everything went too fast for him, although I never talked about a future or pushed him into something. My question is now, what do you think is the right thing to do? I want to give him space by not talking to him and leaving him alone at first but I am afraid he won’t miss me and break up when he comes back. I don’t know how to use the break time to improve our relationship, although I am thinking of doing something for myself like sports and getting things sorted meanwhile. Do you think our relationship has a chance?
Nancy
Dear Nancy,
I’m personally almost certain that the true purpose of breaks is as a prelude to a break-up. It is rare, in my experience, for a relationship to survive one in circumstances like yours. It is possible however that because it’s a new relationship he didn’t feel that the sacrifices of long distance were worthwhile, and will be happy to pick up where things left off when he returns. Long distance itself takes a lot of commitment; it is serious right from the start, so there is some pressure there with very little compensation.
My advice would be to discuss exactly what this break should entail, the rules – if you will. I would be wary if he wishes to cut contact however, if you can’t maintain at least a friendship then the outlook isn’t very good. Your idea of using the time on yourself is very positive and I agree with doing that.
Every relationship has a chance, so I wouldn’t say that yours is doomed. It is just at this point in time he’s not ready for the style and intensity of the relationship you do have.
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I have been together for just over 2.5 years. I have proposed to her and she accepted after a year. I send her money to help her and her 2 little girls every two weeks. My problem is, that she was supposed to move to where I am living and working over a year ago, and keeps putting it off. First it was a sick great aunt, then wanting to go back to school, now she is saying just 6 more months so she can finish school! Last year she was supposed to go back to school and I was able to get into her email and found one that when sent to the school stating that she did not plan to attend. I really do not believe her this time!!! I have sent her over $25,000 since we began dating and though I know it was wrong to get into her email (which I did tell her about and confronted her about some other things I found there)I am conflicted! I do love her, but am tired of waiting for her. What is your take on this?
Justin
Dear Justin,
I’m pretty sure she is using you, and if you cut off her funding she would soon cut off the relationship. Of course there is an easy way to test this. At any rate, she comes across as being dishonest and having little intention to move to you in the near future. I would advise you stop wasting your time on a woman you don’t feel you can trust. Love is certainly not all you need!
Dear Miss U,
He and I have been acquainted about a year, but started talking daily on FB for the last 5 months. We have not yet Skyped or spoken on the phone. Part of our difficulties are because live in different countries. He needs a new camera, too. We both have only cell phones, so we can’t even talk on the phone!
We clearly like each other very much and both show care and attention. My difficulty is that we’ve gotten past the staying up all night and typing to each other for hours on end. I get very impatient waiting to hear from him. I know enough not to bug him or ever sound down or complaining when he is there. I know he’s busier than I am and it’s my responsibility to have a full life.
Other than being completely miserable and impatient with just messages, he and I have not set even a rough timeline for meeting. He uses phrases like “for the time being” and “in due time” when I ask about topics related to being apart or together, respectively.
How can I figure out what we are, if there is a “we” or if I’m just entertaining him at his computer? Sometimes I think even I can’t know if we should be a couple until I meet him, but planning to meet requires belief that it is a relationship. It’s a bit of a catch-22.
I try to just enjoy talking to him, but I really wish i knew his expectations or limitations.
Any advice on dealing with uncertainty would help. I’m going nuts when I see he’s online, but hasn’t said “hi” to me.
Closer
Dear Closer,
It doesn’t do us any good to try and guess another’s intentions, so just straight up ask him what he wants from this relationship/friendship. Be prepared though, he may not feel as deeply about it as you do or might not be as invested as you are. Don’t let hurt feelings make you withdraw or give up completely, rather go into the discussion with an open mind and stay calm. No pressure; just asking for his views, needs and opinions. It’s ok to express your feelings too – especially the conflicted ones. Likely, he’s had the same thoughts. Work through it together rather than playing guessing games.
