Dear Miss U,
I have a girlfriend who lives in other part of the world there is almost 12 hrs difference. We have been dating for almost a year now. She recently met a guy in her country and now she is thinking twice about our relationship. She says, “If we have to continue, you need to give me reason to stay with you in future.” I really love her and want to be with her. I just can’t find the proper way to convince her. Although I earn enough to take on the responsibility she is still not convinced. Please help me to find out the reason and way to convince her. I really don’t want to lose her.
Thanks,
Tensed
Dear Tensed,
Honestly she doesn’t particularly sound worth keeping. I’m going to let you in on a little secret though: most women don’t particularly care what you earn. Yes, you need to be a hard worker not a lazy bum. And yes most women (and men!) are likely to show caution joining finances with someone who has huge amounts of debt; but overall the stereotype that women just want to secure a good meal ticket isn’t based on much. We can earn our own money now. We don’t need a man with a nice car, we work hard and buy our own nice cars. Unless she has specifically stated this is a requirement for her, then likely it isn’t what she is focusing on.
What she is focused on, however, is anyone’s guess. I’d go with asking her flat-out. If she won’t tell you, thinks you should already know or otherwise plays games with you then it is probably a blessing in disguise that this other guy is taking her off your hands.
People need to be responsible for communicating their own needs within a relationship. She needs to be clear about her goals and desires, as do you. I can’t tell you what some woman I’m never going to meet wants from you, but I can tell you that if she won’t disclose the information you shouldn’t waste your life trying to jump through hoops.
Dear Miss U,
I met him randomly like 5 years ago, we spent a beautiful weekend together, and since then I came back to Mexico, and he went back to Middle East for work. That happened 3 years ago. We only do emails maybe once a week, I’m still in love with him, and I’m afraid of keeping my hopes up for so long that blinds me to reality… He is working so hard (that’s what he always said) that we can’t even do video calls, or so, nothing but updates email once in a while, he said he has plans for us in the future and that he loves me, but I don’t even know when he is coming back to America every time I ask something in regards to spend some time together he reply a new email with a different subject.
Ms Hope
Dear Ms Hope,
Everyone needs to decide for themselves how long is too long to wait for someone. Personally it doesn’t look like this relationship is going anywhere; I’m a firm believer that you can’t live solely for the future and he isn’t really giving you anything to hold onto in the present. By all means stay in contact if it brings you joy, but I don’t recommend pinning your hopes on this man.
Don’t put all your eggs in the same basket.
Hi there,
My SO and I we’re kind of going up and down. This past few weeks, too many stuffs changed us. Like, when she has to go somewhere with friends or workmates to bond or hangout. I always tell her that don’t forget the stuffs we talked about. I’m kind of saying that I don’t want her to wear clothes that were too revealing and if chilling out. I don’t want her to drink too much as I care for her. And then everything is okay but when her friends started to say stuffs like: just this once, like swimming; she’ll wear 2pc which I don’t want her coz I don’t want any guys checking her out. After all that, we are having some serious conversation about it. I feel upset, coz I thought we’re okay but then we’re not. And last week, we started to distant away from each other. Coz she was saying, she doesn’t want to hurt me, disappoint me by making the same mistakes over and over again. I told her, “It’s okay. We’re not perfect, no one else does.” And she even told me, she still loves me but she lost herself by doing it. I don’t even ask her to be this image of perfection, but she always thinks she needs to be one. And even said she love me more enough to let me go, so that she won’t have to hurt me of her choices.
I love her, inside and out. I cannot also promise we won’t hurt each other. But that’s the part of accepting and growing up. Is it that hard to sacrifice and to follow boundaries on a relationship? If not, what am I missing?
Yours truly,
Dehnn
Hi there Dehnn,
The thing you are missing is that she is her own person, not your property, and you don’t have a single speck of right to dictate what she can and can not wear or drink. Moreover, she is a subject not an object – that is to say, she isn’t a thing to be acted upon, or looked upon by you or other men or even other women. She doesn’t exist to be beautiful or pleasing and she is in no way obligated to cover her body in any way that she doesn’t wish to. It’s hers. Not yours.
More over why does it matter if other guys check her out? As long as she is comfortable in her body and she is happy… these are the things you need to concern yourself with, not “is she wearing a one-piece?” And don’t for a minute try to say “it’s for her protection” because women get raped no matter what they are wearing. Men aren’t such animals that they can’t control themselves around a bit of exposed skin, and victims are not responsible for the crimes acted upon them. Don’t go there.
Basically, you are asking things of her that you have no right to ask of anyone. You are asking her to change to suit your narrow view of the world. That’s not ok. Either love her when she’s drunk and in a bikini, or go out and find a girl who never drinks and is concerned with modesty for her own reasons.
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