Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me because he said the distance was too much for him to handle. We have been in long distance for a little over seven months, but I would make trips on my college breaks to see him, and he even asked me to marry him a few months ago. Everything was going well and I have been working on going to college down there so we wouldn’t have to be apart anymore, but I’ve noticed the past few weeks he started acting distant and irritated. He started stupid fights with me and even once completely ignored my existence for almost five days. I finally asked him what was wrong and he said the distance was too much and he didn’t want to feel alone and like he was living a lie. He said if I get to college back there next year we could work on getting back together, but for now it was over. I haven’t spoken to him since. I am totally heartbroken and don’t know what to do. I feel like after everything we have been through and after everything I have done for him and for us, he just threw away everything. I really thought he loved me enough to stay by my side just a few more months and then we could be together every day, especially since he asked me to marry him, but I was wrong. Part of me still wants to finish college down there close to where he is, but everyone is telling me I am wasting my time. I would go for more reasons than just him, but he would be the biggest reason. Any advice for me? Thank you!
~ Broken Hearted
Dear Broken Hearted,
This is a tough one. I can understand the allure of following through with the original plan of moving down there to be together and attend college, but two reasons make me want to say that it isn’t worth it. The first of which is, as you are no longer speaking to him you have no way to know if he hasn’t moved on nor can you be one hundred percent certain that his motive for breaking up with you was honest. Generally I try to assume the best of everyone, but ignoring you for five days doesn’t exactly scream honesty to me nor does it tell me he has the skills to hold a marriage together under stressful circumstances, which is the second and most pressing reason I’m cautioning you against moving. It’s true that long distance is difficult, but it isn’t the hardest thing a couple can face, especially not considering that you’ve had at least two visits in the past seven months (you said “trips” and that’s a plural), you’re not facing immigration and don’t have children or other dependents holding you back. You had a plan in action to overcome the distance. Overall, that really isn’t so bad.
If he doesn’t have what it takes to make it through the distance; doesn’t have the communication skills or the decency to talk it over with you instead of disappearing and then giving up, what makes you think he’ll put a better effort into your marriage when it gets difficult?
With that said; a year is a long time. Perhaps he will get back in contact with you closer to that time and you will choose to give it another go. Perhaps once some time has passed he will realize having you in his life but not seeing you often is far better than not having you at all and he will apologize for abandoning you rather than standing by your side when the going got tough.
Most importantly as you make this decision focus on your education. If your degree will not suffer from moving and when the time comes you are still driven to give it one last shot, then do it. But don’t sacrifice anything for this boy because chances are he wouldn’t do it for you.
Dear Miss U,
I need advice, guidance, something…
I’ve been in this LDR for a little over two years now; we live 373 miles apart and it takes 6 hours to travel to visit one another. We take the time to visit as often as we can but it’s difficult sometimes.
In the beginning he was all about moving here to be with me and to make a life together; now if I bring it up he always comes up with an excuse on why he can’t. It always ends up with me feeling like he doesn’t care at all. He shows me that he cares for me. I love him and I’ve told him this but I never get a response. He never tells how he feels.
I don’t know what to do. I need help; advice…
Do I continue this relationship or should I end it? I can’t take the not knowing any more on how he feels or if we will ever be together in the same zip code.
I also should’ve mentioned that I’m a single mom of five wonderful kids that he treats as his own when he’s with us. They are the reason that I cannot move to be with him.
Please help…
~ Teresa
Dear Teresa,
What’s that old saying? “Actions speak louder than words.” What do his actions tell you?
Some people really struggle to verbalize their feelings, and this may be the case for him. Though if he has never once told you that he loves you, that is quite worrying. I wonder too if his excuses are real hurdles on the track to closing the distance or if they are just that, excuses. Sometimes it can be hard to tell.
All you can really do is sit him down for a talk and impress upon him the importance of the discussion. You’ve been together long enough to be able to safely do this without falling into the trap of being needy or moving too fast. He should feel comfortable enough with you that he can be honest if he feels pressured or just isn’t ready. There’s no need for excuses. Tell him that you want to know how he feels and you’re willing to sit there as long as it takes while he gathers up the courage to answer you (make sure you have plenty of time, just in case!) and that you want to know where this relationship stands, what it means to him and if those things are positive, put in place a solid plan to end the distance. Let him know that you’re not willing to just talk about it, and that if no progression is made you won’t wait around forever. The conversation should give you the answers you need. Understand also that if he won’t talk about this with you, that’s also an answer – one that tells you it might be time to move on.
Dear Miss U,
We are both from the Dominican Republic, but my family and I lived in NJ, I came back to the DR for medical school, alone. Ever since we started dating in 2008 I wanted to move back to NJ, and in August 2011, he received an offer to do a PhD in NY so we decided to move to the US. He is very attached to his family, they depend on him emotionally, and I know it was not easy for him to move, but he basically did it for me. About 6 months later, I traveled back to the DR and had to stay ’cause I have to wait for my American residency here, his parents asked me to live with them meantime. We have been apart for 1 year, 1 months and 2 days now. So far, everything was going perfectly, he came 4 times last year. We got engaged for x-mas and he left Jan 12. About a week after he arrived in the US, I noticed he was distant, I asked him about it and he said he was fine. Today it had been like 5 days since he last told me he loved me, so I decided to write him an email explaining what I felt. He said he needed a break. He said he felt annoyed and bored with life, and that he wasn’t sure if he was bored with me and hated himself for that or that he was bored with life in general. He doesn’t know if he loves me anymore, that he needed to “miss me.” I don’t know what to do! I know he’s sad by himself and it kills me, but I’ve truly done everything to keep this relationship going well. Please help me! I’m going nuts! Should I let him have his time or make him fall in love again?
~ Lonely Girl
Dear Lonely Girl,
The advice I should be giving is “he needs his space, leave him alone” but honestly, I think that’s a bit much to ask. I don’t think I could leave five years just hanging in the wind and not fight for it, so I can’t very well tell you to do so. Give him space in ways that you can, such as by not texting or calling and not relying on him for anything. Don’t give in to the urge to contact him every day, or even every second – but do find ways to remind him that you’re too special to lose. Remind him that you’re fun and thoughtful. Send a small humorous gift one week, a love letter the next. Have the radio station he listens to on the way to work broadcast a message and dedicate a song. Have a florist deliver a gift basket if you know something important is coming up for him. If you can, show him you’re not the boring part of his life, and once you’re talking again, perhaps instead of planning a visit to each other you can plan a getaway together instead.
The key to this is not to overwhelm him and not to become a creepy stalker. Set yourself a time limit though, for example three months (no more than six!), and after then if things aren’t on the mend you’ll need to cut your losses and not let him become an obsession.
Best of luck.
